So much for trying to be assertive. I just made things worse. He won’t listen because he knows that I am the problem; he knows I know I am the problem. I just wanted to make things better for everyone. I just wanted to help make some people’s lives less miserable and I fucked up and ruined his instead.
I have to see him EVERY FUCKING DAY. I fucking stood up to him, to his condescension, because it drove me fucking insane and it hurt those that I care about very dearly. But you know what? I STILL FUCKED UP. I STILL FUCKING RUINED EVERYTHING.
I criticized him for putting people down, and even in my best attempts to make it kind, I did the same to him. Now he feels bad like I did all because I had to “BE ASSERTIVE” and “BE CONFIDENT”.
You know, he and an old friend completely demolished my view of myself, and I listened to them and forgave them for being harsh. BUT HE IS NOT ME! I did much worse than he did, and I deserved the comments I recieved. WHY AM I PRETENDING LIKE I TOOK THE FUCKING HIGH ROAD? I RUINED WHAT WAS LEFT OF OUR FRIENDSHIP, AND NOW HE HATES ME!
I figured I’d try out being more brave, being assertive, and sticking up for myself, but what’s the point? It just makes me and everyone around me feel like shit! I should have just left things alone! Why can’t I ever let things be? Why can’t I let things go? Why am I so fucking sensitive?
And you know, I think if I was meant to be on this planet, I’d be able to live like everyone else. I’d be able to handle my problems like a normal human. I’d be able to have friends. But NO, God forbid I learn how to deal with those who put me down. You know, normal people can fucking deal with this without wanting to end their own life. Normal people can fucking breathe without fearing that they’re going suffocate on that next desparate gasp for air.
But not me. Not me. Because we all know that I was not meant to be here. I was an accident from the beginning. I should have died in the womb. It would have been easier for everyone if I had. No one would have to deal with an overdramatic drama queen piece of shit, then. But no, I had to go ruin everything by fucking around. I mean, if I was going to have to be alive, I should’ve at least learned to be less of a dick. AND I USED TO THINK HE WAS A NARCISSIST.
What a fucking *****! God, I fucking hate myself. I should know by now that everything I am advised to do is a lie. Everything they tell me is a lie. I knew that, but I still fucking believed them! How much of a fucking dumbass am I?
I can fix all of this by dying. I can show everyone that suicide is not the answer by doing it myself. I can end it all right now and finally benefit those around me instead of being a WORTHLESS, SELFISH **** for once in my GODDAMNED MISERABLE LIFE.
SO, to myself, the biggest condescending, narcissistic dick face out there:
FUCK YOU. KILL YOURSELF.
So, to the last person I expect to read this, if you’ve stumbled across this, this wasn’t your fault. It was mine. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
1 comment
Frankly you did good for yourself. You finally stood up to an a*shole after years of abuse and ypu finally get the chance to be rid of the people who hurt you. Trust me, your feelings are completely natural. Severing ties with a narcissistic sociopath often hurt at first because they tend to suck everything around you and tend to destroy you by isolating you from your peers but it will get better in time. The only mistake you did was you didn’t do it sooner. I’m in the same boat as much as you are but the only thing I didn’t do id stand up to them. Now I’m in shambles because I let people take advantage of me before I could tell them to their face “F*ck off”. You should be glad you did. Now he’ll have second thoughts picking on you.