Enlightened

Emotional trauma is such a ***** when all you remember is the pain. I’ve recently sat down with my mom and learned some horrible truths to things i haven’t understood throughout most of my life. Although these truths are shocking, they allow me to finally understand myself and who I’ve became. These revelations allow me to fully process these memories for what they actually were.

I still remember seeing my oldest brother on the kitchen floor crying and frightened by my dad’s beatings. My dad would beat my brother in front of me and my other older brother every once in a while at night when no one else was watching except us and my mom for some reason. I remember not understanding what was going on and just feeling scared….It has been many years since my dad has laid a hand on my oldest brother like that. But i still can’t get that memory out of my head. I couldn’t even tell if this memory was a  real memory or just a dream i had when i was young but my mom confirmed this to be a past reality. I found out it was true when i brought it up recently and she started crying almost instantly. She said she didn’t think I’d remember but i do. My dad is trying to change and he’s changed lots but the earliest memory that i have of my father is the kitchen memories. So I’m naturally scared of my dad, and I’m surprised that my brother who would get beat has already forgave him. My oldest brother is strong but i still can’t bring myself to forgive my father. My father has never attempted to talk to me about it ever. And until he does and until he changes his ways i cant be part of his life and that makes me sad because i know he has demons of his own that wont allow him to be the best he can be. I wish i had a normal dad. All my life me and my brothers have been afraid of him. But now i know why i have a hard time trusting people. This revelation has helped me process this memory better. But now im wondering why dad has never talked to me about it. I know i wont ask him about it. He owes me an explanation as well as an apology. For my brothers sake i hope my father at least apologized to him. Me and my brothers have been silent victims all our lives because we thought this was normal. It didnt feel right but we didnt know what a real father was then, we were just dealt bad cards i guess. My oldest brother got it the worst but i myself have been a direct victim as well as my younger siblings. These days he doesn’t really lay a hand on us but its more verbal. But i can see how its depressed all my brothers.  I just want to leave AZ and forget about all this. I wanna start fresh on my own some day. I wanna leave all the bad memories behind and all the places that bring back bad memories. One day im gonna raise a family of my own and im gonna do it the right way. I hope someday dad will talk to me about this. As much as I’m afraid of him sometimes, I still love him because he really is trying to change. He’s changed a lot but he’s still not there. He still abuses my younger brothers verbally and that aint right. I call him out on it too and he gets angry but I stand my ground because its the right thing to do. I wont let him be like that to my little brothers. He’s shaken my younger brother once really badly like a rag doll all while screaming in his face and cussing him out. And all this just cuz he failed his math class. His actions say a lot more about him than his apologies. He isnt being truthful when he apologizes if he keeps this shit up. I have every reason to wanna keep my distance from him. I shouldn’t feel guilty.