Freshman Year: Happy, Carefree, Feeling Confident In My Major, In A Relationship, Feeling Hopeful About My Future, Energetic.
Now: Miserable, Depressed, Broken Even Though I’m In Therapy, Constantly Crying Myself To Sleep, Trying To Attempt To Get My life Together When Its Just Falling Apart, Single and Alone After So Many Failed Attempts, Little To No Money Left For School, Filled Out My First Professional Job Application, Everyone In My Family+Friends Acting Like They Give Two Fucks About Me When I Know They Seriously Don’t, Just Feeling Hopeless About My Future.
Honestly, If Someone Gave Me A Gun Right Now I Would Happily Rest It Against My Temple And Pull The Trigger.
If It Gets Worse From Here I’m Seriously Considering On Ending It All.
One Less Fuck Up That Everyone Has To Worry About.
A 9th Attempt Never Hurt Right?
3 comments
I’m sorry you’re going through this, my friend. I totally get that and it’s sad to think of how it used to be vs now. You need to make some kind of change, I think maybe you’re not surrounded by the right people?
It sounds like a lot of your troubles are coming from your thoughts.
“My friends and family don’t care about me.” Try to sit with this thought and the emotion it brings. Be mindful of everything. This way when you have this thought again, you can turn your attention away from your thought and back to what you’ve set your attention towards (like your school work).
Do this with other bothersome thoughts and feelings too. Even when you have a thought about suicide, treat it the same way. You’re probably going to have lots of urges and thoughts for suicide since you’ve tried it so many times. That’s just your mind’s default way of thinking. The mind is not very creative; otherwise, your default thinking would be new solutions to your problems.
I can relate a lot, as I’m about to start my senior year of college. I wasn’t necessarily happier as a freshman, I am just smarter now. I was a little oblivious then too. You grow and you learn, you understand more, and realize this horror of a world. It’s inevitable.