I’ve recently posted about a parting ways with a friend of 3 years. It was the result of one of my worst qualities. During times of turbulence and turmoil in my life I have a way of destructively alienating myself. Everything I read, every person I am close with, and the groups that surround me begin to cause a claustrophobia of sorts, and I start lashing out at everyone. This leaves my social life shredded and in tatters.
Since the blow up with my close friend, and what seemed like the end of our friendship, the person came back around. It seemed we reached a place where we could communicate and laugh like we used to. A week later I was blocked on all the applications. I was cut out with no explanation. I just honestly was dumbfounded. A few days later the person solicited me to see if I could listen to their problems and be a shoulder to cry on. I was sleeping, and missed my chance to help her out.
Later after we started talking again I was feeling resentful of the inconsistent contact, and the mixed signals. I told the person to stop talking to me. I explained the mixed signals were driving me crazy, and leaving me in a constant state of bewilderment.
After that and a few days later, the most recent infraction between us, I saw her outside the texting apps. We got in a bit of a tiff, and it made me realize that wherever she resides is a place I can not be a part of. She is better acquainted with my friends, which leaves me being the odd man out. I can’t control her, I don’t want to control her, but I also have a hard time controlling my emotional reactions to subtle things. Subtle things like feeling inadequate as a person when I see her warming up to new friends. The times I see her laughing, and seeing the shifting sands of her relationships with other people. Seeing her become closer with some, and blocking others out. All the while I am sitting and observing this stuff I get the toxic clarity that I can’t get used to not having her as a friend, and even worse, I can’t sit in a place with all of the people I’ve known for such a long time because she’s there. I can’t ask her to leave because the people I know and love would quickly follow whatever direction she wants, I am going to be alone regardless of what I choose. The worst part about all of these realities is to know how circumstantial our friendship was, and that I will never have anything like it again. Even worse I will never be able to salvage the friendship that I honestly cherish more than any of the things listed above.
I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be in an emotional uproar, and I also don’t want to reset my life while I shoulder the burden of attempting to fit into a new group. I have no social agility, and rejection really wears on a person when it become cyclical.
Fuck me, and fuck this life. Fuck mental illness and all the other garbage I am too cowardly to share here.
2 comments
Yikes. Does this person have some kind of, like, Greek Siren powers that make all your friends (and, sort of, you, still) drop whatever’s going on and follow her blindly? Hey, I’m not saying she doesn’t have that quality–I haven’t seen everything in this world– but I’m just trying to get a little clearer on why it is she can be so horribly awful toward you (and, hey, if she’s awful toward you, you can pretty much bet you’re far from the only one [and if I’m bizarrely wrong on that one, you can bet you won’t be the only one very long])—where was I? How is it that she’s so enchanting or whatnot athough she treats you as I wouldn’t even think to treat my annoying, bitchy neighbors. (Seriously, no exaggeration there. But I just give them as much benefit of the doubt that I can muster. Who cares, anyway, but, yeah–whoa, I do get that this person in your life is somehow really stop, in significant ways, treasured by you—though she’s so seriously messing with your mind. (And of course I imagine your mind already has enough to deal with.)
Hey, is it possible you’re selling your real, actual friends a tad short here, though? They’d surely never abandon you to blindly follow this bitchy prima donna, I’d wager.
If there’s any way to chill–a couple glasses of wine maybe and something distracting that you just really like doing–then, well, maybe you could try to relax a bit now (yeah–I write so late, you’re surely asleep already).
And then, do you have any combat boots and some kick-ass music you could make use of in the morning after some sleep? I’m not saying, go beat her, or anyone, to a pulp in your cap-toes and take all their credit cards. I’m just thinking, I can easily gather you’re no shrinking violet—I just don’t want you to have this illusion you are. You’re cool. And whether you believe it or not, you can relax, because they’re are plenty of people (maybe some you haven’t met yet, and maybe others you have) who you’re going to fit in with really well. You’re anexpressive,caring, cool person—I don’t worry about your future social calendar or whatnot.
And, Sure, everything does suck now. Hold on as best you can, by any means necessary, and (as horribly trite as this is—and I can hardly believe I’m saying it), it’s true that people DO *get to know* others in a not-lengthy bit of time usually, and if they’re worthy of your friendship, you’ll know it. If they’re mesmerized by a fake, uncaring-toward-others jerk, I’d so hope you’ll be okay just shrugging off such people and falling in with a few others, instead. The uncaring- jerk person isn’t worth it [even if you think I’m crazy for saying that now; and those others may be great people, but you don’t at freaking all deserve to be abandoned by them because they’re oddly entranced by this actually mean chick. You’re not going to be friendless—that isn’t hard for me to intuit. I hope you feel better about being rid of this chick’s drama. Oh, and also the stuff about your friends (if you decide to tolerate whatever dynamic’s happening there)–or that you break away from most of them and settle into some friendships that will really great and bring less suffering into your life. The thing you really don’t need.
Sorry if I’ve gotten everything wrong here—just a bit sleepy (and, come to think of it, hungry, too).
My best to you.
I dunno, didn’t read your full response, but she’s not being terrible to me.