I am done

To my mother, there was nothing you could have done, no more that you could have said, no more support you could have given.  I have been broken inside a long time and I cant seem to put myself back together.  Too much hurts me in this world and I cant deal with it anymore.
Please dont be sad I am gone – be happy that I wont be in pain anymore, that I wont be battling demons everyday, that noone and nothing can let me down, disappoint me or hurt me anymore.  Take comfort this is my choice and I am in a better place.
Hold Scott close, he has come back for a reason – because it is time for me to check out.
I love you – that has not changed – I just cannot go on any longer living like this.

To my sperm donor – you dealt the first and the deepest crack to me before I can even remember.  A little girl should have her father and to grow up alone, abandoned – you went ot an entire new country so you didnt have to deal with us.  Maybe Scott got enough time in that it didnt hurt as much, but this little girl couldnt understand why her father didnt want anything to do with her.  And she set herself ridiculously high standards she couldnt always achieve which made her feel worse.  And right now she sits alone in the dark thinking of the life she could have had if her father didnt abandon her as a small child.  A life that wasnt on the poverty line.  Someone who could spend time with her teaching her the basic things like how to put a chain back on a bike, how to change a tire, how to drive.
I have always had to hire people to do these things for me – when there should have been someone there helping me in my life to learn and achieve these things.
Nothing I ever did was good enough.  I bet you wish I had never been born.  And now you can have your wish and be free of me.  You didnt deserve me and I sure as hell didnt deserve a father like you.

To the worst stepfather there ever was.  To this day I cringe when I am touched.  I cant stand the term blossom even when it is used in reference to a flower, not as a nickname.  I cannot even look at courgettes since that night you forced me to eat them until I threw up then forced me to eat my own vomit.  I dont know what happens to a person to make them so sadistic and evil, but you should never have been allowed near another human being.  You destroyed my mother and you sure as hell did a good job finishing off after my father in breaking me emotionally and spiritually and physically.  I have never hated a person so much in my life as I hate you.  And everything you ever did to me.

To the one man I loved in my life.  When we said we liked each other I felt a connection like no other.  I thought we were soul mates.  I thought you would always be there to make me feel safe and protected.  I helped build you back up and all you did was use me and then toss me.  You are just like every man in my life and you alone are the one who finally broke me.  You knew how damaged I was – you were the ONLY one who knew what my stepfather had done.  I trusted you.  And you just dropped me on the floor and shattered me.  Since you I can never imagine finding this connection with anyone else and frankly I dont want to.  The life and future I imagined for us is shattered, and I see no reason to carry on now.  Look after your baby girl, and dont ever walk away from her.  Thats all I ask.  Look after your baby girl.  Know that I loved you and that I dont blame you, I just need you to know why.  And there are three significant reasons in my life I am so broken.  And you were just unlucky enough to be the one that finally broke the last of my will and spirit.

To my friends – you all tried and I appreciate your efforts.  Dont be sad for me, be glad I am no longer struggling everyday to feel like I am meant to be here.  I will miss you all and you are all amazing and dont ever change.

To my work colleagues – when you replace me please be conscious that the person may cover two portfolios, and as such they dont feel a part of a team.  Making them feel part of the team will go a long way in helping them settle in and feel comfortable in the role.  I always felt on the outside of both teams and it doesnt help things at all.  You are all good people and I am sure it wasnt intentional, but it is the reality.  And drop the mean girls shit.   It isnt really funny especially to someone who already feels on the fringes of the team.

To my footy team – I never really got to play and find out if I liked the sport or if I was any good.  I joined the team to be part of a team and for the support that comes with team sports, but being constantly benched and having noone really help you understand what you are doing is pretty shit.  Everyone pays to be there and you will never get to know how good someone is unless you invest time into them and then give them a chance to prove themselves.

There are a lot of factors that have made me feel this way, but these are the main things that come to mind as my final comments.  I just want to disappear.  Dont be sad for too long – I am replaceable.  I have no purpose in life.  I just exist.  You will find another footy player, another team member, another friend.  I will just be one less contact on your phone to scroll past and feel guilty you havent reached out to for a while.

Remember that I want this.  The pain is too much.  I cant stand myself.  I dont want to carry onn living every day.  I am done.  I am broken.  I am not repairable. I am done.