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I don’t know…

by namelessqueer

….that I want to die. right now I am feeling somewhat numb, trying to stay afloat and just understand what everyone needs from me. I’ve been trying to work on having a future. Trying to live life and make the best of it all. It just isn’t quite working out. I have to depend on other people and they let me down. I can’t just do everything myself because otherwise i would. I keep thinking it’d be easier to be dead to be gone but part of me knows that’s just the sadness that grows inside me that keeps telling me this and I’m trying not to cry and give up and this struggle is so much. I don’t know what I expect from y’all. I don’t know anything really. I’m not sure if I’m worth all of this energy I keep putting into not dying. I don’t know if the ways that I help those around me really matters or if there is anything I should be doing differently. I don’t know what I want out of life and if it’s something that I can actually get. Everything feels so narrow and it’s just getting more narrow.

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4 comments

Redberry0v0 8/2/2017 - 1:56 pm

What do you want from the future and what is holding you back?

namelessqueer 8/22/2019 - 3:45 pm

I never saw this comment, sorry. I don’t know what I want from the future. I don’t have any goals right now. I’ve been trying to develop goals but I don’t know anything that I really want to commit my energy to that is measurable or accomplish-able.

Fro-not-so-zen 8/2/2017 - 9:58 pm

Maybe you’re doing better than you think; you’re just in the thick of it and can’t see how far you’ve come already. Nothing worth accomplishing comes easy. Its an endless grind with no guarantee that it’ll ever work out – like you hoped, or even not at all.

the moonchild 8/3/2017 - 4:22 am

Hi there I’m kind of a mess too at the moment so I can relate. I think if you have doubts you should go on with your life until it gets better and you think less about death or until it becomes so unbearable that you re sure that death is the only possible way out. I know the struggle, I often think that I m the worst piece of shit , not able to achieve anything but at the same time I always have some hope for ‘y future and this hope is what hurts so most because I know that there is a pretty good chance that I ll be deceived again. But, hey life is a *****. Not you , not me,life. It is unfair, pitiless, and it beats you down when you’re already drowning. But the fact that you survive all this pain on a daily basis makes you someone exceptional. So never let anybody tell you otherwise and if you choose to end it all it is not selfish, it is an honourable and logic decision considering all you ve been through

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