I dunno

I feel useless, like everyone thinks I am lazy or an idiot. I want to go to college, I want to pursue a career, I want to grow a tree of life and reap the fruits of reward. But to me that just seems impossible. I have such severe depression and anxiety that I am only happy when I am distracted from the dark lingering thoughts that float around my mind like polluted clouds blocking out the sun. I recently graduated highschool. During highschool I skated by, it was easy, I never studied and still succeeded; however, college was a mere butterfly in a meadow to me, I ingored it. And now I see that it is what I want, but I just feel so helpless and weak, as if it is an impossible goal dwelling in a dream. I am from a poor family, my father is in prison for raping my sister, he was abusive, ya know the whole dilemma. Daddy issues. But my grandfather is wealthy enough to support us, but the small flicker of hope for me is dimmed by my constant death wish. I tell my family that I won’t end it, I tell them I am alive for them. That is true. Without them I would have killed myself before becoming a preteen. I remember a half mock/half true attempt to kill myself with a wire metal hanger that I put around my neck and attached to a bunkbed. I was light enough to be capable of success, but I didn’t do it. There is so much on my mind. I’m only eighteen and I hate life enough to come here, then again I am sure that I have to call company with this feeling. I want to die, but I don’t want anyone to suffer because I am too defeated to give life a chance. I will consider going into depth about my true feelings. This was just a tidbit. Maybe I really am just dramatic, but this is quite like therapy. This is the second version and more, in my opinion understandable and more accurately expressive version of my first post.