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i hate the way i look

by iamdarling

i am ugly – my eyes are ugly. everything else about me is fine, perfect, even, but my eyes – they are so ugly.

i don’t know what has happened to them – they used to be pretty. the past few years, they have started to change, for some reason. the only way i can ‘fix’ it is by wearing winged eyeliner and eyeliner on my waterline, and sometimes they can look great, but usually, they don’t. i mean, they look decent, as i’m pretty good at makeup, but two minutes after applying the eyeliner on my waterline, it just doesn’t look as good as it did when i first put it on, which changes how my eyes, and then the rest of my face, look.

it makes me very upset, and has made me lose a lot of confidence – i mean, i have social anxiety too, but i feel as though if my eyes were pretty, it would make my entire face look pretty, and i would feel confident enough to be able to do normal, everyday things. you wouldn’t believe how different i look with and without makeup on.

i’ve tried to understand why my eyes have changed these past couple years. i used to suffer from trichotillomania, and would pull my eyelashes out, except, i developed that at age 8, and my eyes didn’t start changing until around 10 years old. i’m 13 now, and even though all my lashes have grown back, my eyes don’t look how they used to. is it just what is natural, and am i just going to have my eyes and my face like this forever? will i be ugly forever?

 

(ps – i just joined this website, i don’t know how to look or even respond to comments or messages, so, sorry if i don’t reply)

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2 comments

BlueDiamond 8/14/2017 - 9:56 pm

Everybody has a body flaw and welcome to suicide project. 🙂

suicidaldreamer 8/15/2017 - 12:41 am

i obsess over my body flaws. it’s a very unhealthy thing to do. i think doing so drives a person mad. in others, i like imperfections, and i actually question the concept of perfection. i think we live in a very subjective world, and we buy into the media too much, far too much. we rely on television and social media to tell us what is beautiful or intriguing rather than deciding upon that ourselves. what do WE as individuals find beautiful and interesting? i think that’s hard to calculate, because, most people don’t seem to think for themselves. i think most of us are afraid of thinking independently. i’ll admit that it’s terrifying. would be easier to just follow the crowd…

i get that some things, we just won’t find attractive. but i feel like if we’re stating something is unattractive, we must be comparing it to something else. i think it stems down to normality. most people are drawn to the norm, and i think it’s because we’re comfortable with the usual, and the unusual makes us uncomfortable… i’m just not sure why exactly, but i think it stems down to fear. i think it’s in our nature to fear the unknown.

i make everyone uncomfortable, and i am 100% unusual. sometimes, i wonder if i’m even really human. i get all kinds of strange looks from people. everything about me is unusual. yeah, i guess i think too much, but i am highly observant, and i know i’m not crazy. i’m sharp. hyper aware. alert, and woke the fuck up.

i’d like to see your eyes though. you’ve got me curious. i bet they’re lovely.

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