The thought and imagination of killing myself used to be enough to get me to calm down in most situations where I had anxiety attacks, but it’s not helping anymore. A couple of weeks ago I put a belt around my neck to see what it feels like, and it felt good. I don’t want to die, I want to live and be happy, but I can’t. This week I put a bag over my head and kept it there until it was getting really hard to breath. Yesterday I laid in my bed for an hour pressing a knife against my throat and listening to full volume LP. I sound like a crazy nutcase even in my own ears when I say that, but there’s nothing else that helps with the pain anymore.
I’m scared of what I’ll do next. I don’t want to start cutting myself, but if I continue down this path there’s a good chance I will. I don’t want to do these things, I hate them, but the anxiety is so hard to bear, and it’s the only thing that gives me relief in those moments. I wish I had someone to hug, it helps more than any knife, bag, pills or belt ever could.
2 comments
Hey! What you re telling me is exactly what happened to me when I started to be seriously depressed ( I did it with the lace though). This may be good and bad news for you. Bad news I got worse, still have scars from self cutting, OD once but good news is I now exactly how you feel so maybe I can prevent you going as far in self harming. Anyways, I totally understand for being currently so stressed I m becoming mental. I often think about suicide and it kind of relieves the pressure because I m telling myself that my problems don t matter now that I ve a way out but at the same time I want to live. I want my problems to disappear but at the same time I know it is not possible. So I come up with the conclusion: I ve to disappear. But that’s because stress is unbearable and your brain and your body are so overwhelmed they look for quick relief. That s why you are doing this to yourself. Not because you re crazy just because you’re in too much pain. I go on this website each time I feel suicidal because I know you guys are the only ones who understand. I ve not been there for almost a year but shit happened that dragged me back to the worst levels of depression. It helped me getting back to the ” okay and non suicidal” levels of depression 3 times and this thanks to amazing people. I think you re strong even talking about you and sharing your fears. Don’t know if this novel helped 😉 but know there will always be someone for you here
You’re not crazy. You’re finding ways to cope with your anxiety and that is human. I have done the samw since I was a child. I started cutting my wrists when I was 13. I started starving myself when I was 17. I started choking myself with a shoe lace noose. All this I’ve done, only to survive. Recently I’ve started therapy, and have learned a lot about why people who have suffered trauma and who have anxiety do what they do. And it makes sense. You’re not crazy. I’m not crazy. We’re doing everything we can to survive.