I really did try

August 15th, 2017by iwouldrathernot

Please excuse my ramblings if they don’t make any sense, I don’t really sleep anymore. This isn’t the root of my problems I’m just saying maybe the things I say won’t make sense because I’m bad at communicating when I am this tired.

 

I don’t really know what I want to say actually, I am just very lonely and lost. My world view is very dark, from what I have seen of the world, it is very ugly to me. I don’t see people in a good way anymore. Lots of things went wrong with me, I hate myself so much.

 

For the past five years, I wake up every morning with the thought “I want to kill myself” and I go to sleep every night thinking about how I would do it and trying to rationalize doing that to my family. My family. They’re just people and they don’t deserve to have me kill myself and mess up thier lives. But I’m not happy. I’m not happy. I m not happy. I need help. I wish someone could help I am so alone. I’m scared for myself, for what I think I am going to do to myself, and I hate myself for doing that to my family. I hate myself because they’re not enough for me to stay.

 

That’s  it. That’s me, I’m a horrible person. I imagine my mom crying and blaming herself. She would. And then maybe she would hate me and not even read my note, but it would hurt her so much.

 

So I want to make it look like an accident, I’ve done a lot of research. Pneumonia, a poisonous bite. Idk I’m still figuring that out.

 

I had a dream that I was going to die a really gruesome horrible death, and I was going around asking everyone if they could just shoot me when it started happening, so I could at least go quickly. But no one wanted to do that for me. I don’t have anyone to do that for me. I’m so unhappy. I’m so unhappy. I never wanted to be here.

 

I can’t talk to anyone about it. Thoughts are contagious and I don’t want to draw others into these thoughts. I actually tried to tell my sister about it and she loves me but just told me to get it together, she doesn’t understand.

 

So that’s  what I wanted to say rn I guess.

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