Please excuse my ramblings if they don’t make any sense, I don’t really sleep anymore. This isn’t the root of my problems I’m just saying maybe the things I say won’t make sense because I’m bad at communicating when I am this tired.
I don’t really know what I want to say actually, I am just very lonely and lost. My world view is very dark, from what I have seen of the world, it is very ugly to me. I don’t see people in a good way anymore. Lots of things went wrong with me, I hate myself so much.
For the past five years, I wake up every morning with the thought “I want to kill myself” and I go to sleep every night thinking about how I would do it and trying to rationalize doing that to my family. My family. They’re just people and they don’t deserve to have me kill myself and mess up thier lives. But I’m not happy. I’m not happy. I m not happy. I need help. I wish someone could help I am so alone. I’m scared for myself, for what I think I am going to do to myself, and I hate myself for doing that to my family. I hate myself because they’re not enough for me to stay.
That’s it. That’s me, I’m a horrible person. I imagine my mom crying and blaming herself. She would. And then maybe she would hate me and not even read my note, but it would hurt her so much.
So I want to make it look like an accident, I’ve done a lot of research. Pneumonia, a poisonous bite. Idk I’m still figuring that out.
I had a dream that I was going to die a really gruesome horrible death, and I was going around asking everyone if they could just shoot me when it started happening, so I could at least go quickly. But no one wanted to do that for me. I don’t have anyone to do that for me. I’m so unhappy. I’m so unhappy. I never wanted to be here.
I can’t talk to anyone about it. Thoughts are contagious and I don’t want to draw others into these thoughts. I actually tried to tell my sister about it and she loves me but just told me to get it together, she doesn’t understand.
So that’s what I wanted to say rn I guess.
11 comments
It’s nice though to finally have an outlet like this. I’ve always kept these dark thoughts in my head and it is so lonely. I’ve kept a journal that I’ve been using since 2012, at first it was just me talking to myself telling myself it would be okay and I could get through it. Me trying to make plans for my future. But it morphed into notes on why I hate myself. I really do have so much disgust for myself. I know I’m just a person, so I try to be patient with myself, but it’s hard.
Hi. Firstly, it doesn’t appear from your writings that you are a horrible person.
This site is great to vent/get it out. Journals are helpful too. Writing all the crap in my head down has got me through in the past.
We are all fallible humans and yes, we are sometimes our own worst enemies. Self-hate is self destructive is a major way. I’ve been there. It will erode your natural, good self down eventually.
Most people have little or no understanding of depression/MH issues. Some care and will listen if you’re lucky to find them. If you can’t find someone in real life that ‘gets it’, there are people who do.
Thank you, that’s very kind to take time to respond to me. You’re right, but journaling became very isolating for me eventually, I’m glad I found a site where I can see I’m not particularly alone anymore, even if I still technically am.
Despite constantly letting people down, I think I’m a bad person for wanting to kill myself. My family is pretty dysfunctional and we are all struggling with different things, I could write a book about how fucked up it all is, but I’m the only one losing control and planning this way out. But what if that inspires one of them to do it as well? What if they didn’t think of it as an option until I did it or something? Chances of suicide increase for people when someone in thier family did it.
I know this is horrible to say but I’m getting to the point where that doesn’t matter anymore.
You are feeling what you’re feeling. Thoughts can’t be controlled or managed to make life more conveniently comfortable. It’s better to allow the thoughts to come, recognise them and choose to either let them go or process them and decide how to deal with them.
Having your family to consider as a factor in your ideations is probably a torment. I am not in this situation so I can only guess what it must be like.
You have some tough decisions to make. I understand how being at a point where nothing matters, except your need for release from living is all-consuming. There is little joy in life when your head is full of these thoughts.
I hope you can find your answer and peace. We may see some more from you on here? I know you feel alone but I hope you do find some comfort from this site.
Seriously thank you so much for responding, especially in real life I don’t put myself out there because I really hate the idea of trying to say something important to me and no one cares and everyone ignores me. So you have no idea how nice it is to have someone respond, it almost makes me feel like a normal person.
But yes I kind of like it, I’ve been so isolated and had no one to express these thoughts to but myself for so long, it made everything seem so meaningless. So I’m glad to have an outlet now that isn’t just myself.
Thank you again and I guess we shall see what happens.
You’re welcome. It’s alienating when people are dismissive of others sensitivities/feelings/state of mind. I’m a bit like you – I keep a lot inside. I find sites like this comforting in a way. There are such a lot of people like us that need an outlet. Someplace we can be truthful, vulnerable and honest with our real feelings.
I see myself mostly as the only good thing in a planet of shit
I agree that the world is a very terribly disgusting place.
No one will shoot you for you unless it gets them off to kill others so do it yourself if you are serious about it 🙂
A lot of it is. I’ve seen a very ugly side of people and it makes me lose… I mean I don’t really know what faith I have left. But you’re right in that last point I think. That’s what I took away from that dream.