I am 64-year-old man. 48 years ago tonight when I was 16 years old I tried to end my life.
My life was awful. I was in intolerable pain. I I won’t go into all the details as to why because that’s not important. What is important is that my attempt failed. I took a whole bottle of Bufferin and the result was I got very, very sick. However four months later a friend of mine in my high school class did kill himself. He shot himself in the head. Like me he was 16.
This past Sunday I went to visit his grave and all I could think about was how he cheated himself out of a life. And how much it devastated his parents.
In the years after my own attempt, my life got much better. And this is my point to every young person who is thinking about ending your life: things can get better. You have the opportunity to make them better, unlike someone older like me. When you’re 16 or 20 or 22 or 30, you have the time and the future to make changes, to make your own life, to have things the way you’d like them to be.
It won’t likely be easy, and it will likely take quite awhile, but you can have a life. A better life.
I’ve had some good years and some bad years in these past 48, but my high school friend has had zero years. Which is what I would have had too if my attempt had succeeded. I’m so glad I failed.
15 comments
Good advice. Making a drastic decision when young is tempting, but as you say – there is time for change and there will be good times and bad times. Being a teenager can be a tumultuous time. I wouldn’t go through those years again for all the tea in China.
‘Success’ and ‘failure’, I guess the definition of what those words mean vary depending on who you ask.
Who cares how old you are? What does it matter?
I think it matters a lot, that’s the whole point of my post. The younger you are, the more opportunities life offers you. The older you get, life offers fewer and fewer. “Opportunities” means jobs/careers, romances, friends, social activities, and so on, not just the opportunity to make one’s life better.
Na.. I have wanted to die since I was 16.5 because I was emasculated.
There is no solution to that. I trained and trained harder than 99.99999999% of humans but all that matters are genes and resources, both of which I lacked due to my degenerate parents.
I am currently 22. Over 5 years of hell. Around 3000 suicidal notes. 2 visits to the mental institute.
Not even 3 limb lengthening surgeries can save me now. Only someone who doesn’t know the real me could expect me to cope.
The real my was obsessed.
A virgin (PROUD of that). No drugs. Also proud of that. No alcohol, no parties, nothing disgusting.
I used to be dominant AND pure.
Age doesn’t matter. Things don’t get better nby again, in fact, they have only gotten worse. MUCH worse.
Screw romance. I had a dozen “cute” girls flirt with me in highschool and I never gave a damn.
TRAINING was EVERYTHING to me. An obsession that maybe less than half of half of half a percent of all humans shared.
17k pushups with 45lb. 51k situps. Lifting a 20lb around 1800 times without stopping per arm, almost maxing the machines for 2 years.
I was SUPPOSED to break world records by now. I sacrificed EVERYTHING but my genes and resources ENDED me.
As for careers… when I was in highschool, I got a 4.13 one time etc. etc. point is I USED to be a good student but everything fell apart from my emasculation and now my academic/working world future is BLEAK. ALL because of emasculation.
No one gets it.
Jobs= dead
Romance= I don’t care and I never will
friends= I care even less
Social activities=same.
etc.
Without something to fix my emasculation, I will kill myself. The only question is when.
Eh, that is what they told me “things get better” at 18, been suicidal since 13. Nothing has happened between 13 and 23 that would make me want to live. Just things that make me want to live less. Plan was dead at 18. It’s been 5 years nothing is better and life is still not worth living.
I was older than you are when my life finally began to improve. As I wrote in my post, it may take awhile, or it could take a long time. Or maybe never. But if never, at least you gave it a try, unlike my high school buddy who cheated himself out of the chance.
Hmmm….I don’t know… Live 70 years and die. Live 18 years and die. The end is the same. People grieve at your funeral. At 18 they cry out “Oh, the life wasted, the life that could have been.” At 70 they cry out, “He never did what he truly wanted, oh the poor guy. Oh, the life wasted.” Or they cry out, “Shit, that dude lived a lot of good years, but he seemed miserable a lot of the time.” The years between Start and Stop only mean something to the person living or not living them. Those on the side lines only stand in judgement, but they never really know. Only one person knows and that’s all that counts in the end. I struggle with this now at 66. Do I continue for another 15 years or cut my losses and throw in my chips? No one can answer for me. NO ONE can pass judgement on any decision I make. 15 years or 48 years…either are a blink of an eye.
Randall,
I don’t agree the end is the same. Yes, we all end up dead. As does every other human being that ever lived. Suicide at 66, or my case 64, is a way different ending than at 18. I understand your point, but still, someone 18 has more chances to possibly make good for themselves than you or I do.
Not to be argumentative but genuinely curious. Are you suicidal/depressed now at age 64? Around here people frequently give advice amounting to “you’re too young to kill yourself, wait until you’re my age”. With an argument like that, my question is, why should I suffer 40 more years if that’s how life ends up anyway?
Exactly. I regret not going through with killing myself when I was 7-9 yo. I didn’t because I had hope, that “things will get better.” Well guess what? It didn’t. I’ve had to suffer endless pain, abuse, and torment, and it did not end when I left my abusive family. All through adulthood, I’ve had to suffer the physical and mental consequences of what’s happened to me. And am still suffering through. I regret not killing myself then because all this misery I’m currently in and all the misery I’ve had to endure all these years could have been avoided and eliminated.
I hear you, many times in my life I thought I would’ve been better off if I would’ve succeeded in my attempt at 16. Why play it out, I would ask myself. But in retrospect there were some good years sandwiched in with many bad ones. For that, I am grateful that I survived my attempt at 16. The older one gets though the drama of ending one’s life changes radically.
I’m not much depressed and not suicidal, but that may change in a couple of years. I’m trying to give myself two wonderful years and then I’ll see where I am. Again, as I’ve written the window of opportunity for having a good life now at 64 is much smaller than for someone young.
I think the window of opportunity can go either way. When you’re a teenager you have (usually) better health and vitality and limbs that do what you tell them to do. But when you’re older you have freedom, money, experience and know-how. So for example you at age 64 have a much greater opportunity to jump in a plane and see the Pyramids than if you were 14 and living under an abusive parent. My point is that feeling trapped/suicidal, whether at 64 or 14, is a perception that can’t be defined with a number. So many different things define our chances of improving our lives at different ages. But one thing I was getting at in my last comment, which eternaldarkness put into perspective, is that patterns of depression seem to be defined at a young age and these patterns never go away. With yourself for example, you avoided suicide for 50 odd years but it’s still there lurking. For some of us it’s worse than lurking, it’s in our face every day. I like your point that there will be good times between now and the end of our lives, times that might make us think our whole stupid life was worthwhile. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to jump off a bridge sooner or later. Whether it’s today or in 40-50 years, I’m going to be that desperate miserable lump leaning over the edge thinking why did I have to be born?
Anti-smoking ads make me wanna smoke.
Religious programming reinforces my atheist leanings.
Anti-suicide sermons aren’t very effective unless you’re preaching to the choir. Other people have their mind made up and they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do regardless of whether or not it meets with your approval.
No offense, but would you alter a life changing decision based on the opinion of some anonymous online stranger?