Is it pitiful to die over a friendship

Long story short im dieing, not actually dieing but spiritually and mentally. I dont feel alive among other things. The only thing I wanted in life was this friendship with a friend and we became really good friends. My happiest moments was when we were hanging out and i dont mind that my life was completely falling apart. Some shit happened that was out of my control but we stopped being friends and i tried to kill myself for 2 months because I had never felt so alone. I didnt really have anyone else or anyone I cared about. I stopped because we started being friends again but were not as close as we used to be. I’ve asked a few times if we could hang out but its clear that they’re not to comfortable with just hanging out together. They know about everything I went through and how depressed I would get so it’s not like they dont deeply know me. I told him mostly everything. its just im still crying in my room writing suicide notes and trying not to cut myself again. I feel alone and dont expect to live very long. Im honestly just waiting for my next “suicidal episode” so I can finally end everything, i already have everything worked out. Im just wondering if I should open up to them again and let them know what this friendship meant to me :(. Im suffering and hate life. I dont want to be pushy because alot of things happened but im tired of crying in my room. Whats the worst that could happen? We stop being friends again? I’d probably just kill myself but im already expecting to kill myself so who cares at that point. I have nothing in life and the only thing that I had/cared about was this friendship.

Maybe i’ll just keep carrying on like I have so I dont fucking bother people anymore. So i can just go when im finally ready instead of making other peoples lives worse.