So. True story. I married someone I met on this website. It was almost four years ago exactly we started emailing. Just realized that it was this website that we met on. Life may be rather miserable for some people, but, it’s certainly interesting sometimes I guess.
Anyway. Turns out, two people with mental health problems do not make a good match. (I know, such a surprise.) The past four years have been more of a trial than anything. I feel I did everything I was supposed to get better. I volunteered to start to socialize myself again and get experience. Got a job. Got a second job to try and pay off student loans. I reached out to mental health experts. Had an undiagnosed health problem detected that was apparently contributing to my nervous breakdown, and fixed said problem. (Hyperthyroidism, if you are curious.) Saw psychiatrists and therapists. Always did whatever was asked of me, tried whatever medication was suggested, even did whatever homework the therapist assigned (which always seemed to surprise them a bit…). Attempted marriage counselling. Read many relationship books with husband, didn’t work.
So now here I am four years later and what do I have to show for it? A failed marriage and even lower self esteem than before due to being fired from one of my jobs last year. I’ve also gained weight since I’ve killed my thyroid and most people would say it doesn’t matter because it’s vanity weight but I still hate myself for it.
I have all the problems I had four years ago, minus the overwhelming feverish anxiety that came with being hyperthyroid. Physically, I feel spades better. But mentally, well. The same problems I saw holding myself back four years ago are still holding me back. I was so depressed because I could see how my good nature and good cheer would slowly wither away by the constant effort and stress of life. And, that is exactly what happened. Therapy helped me to be far less critical of myself but even without the bitter criticism there are still the facts of failure that make up my life. Working so hard every day to maybe get to go on a brief vacation once or twice a year is not enough reward for me. I have tried so, so hard to cultivate an attitude and habit of gratitude for what I have in my daily life but it never lasts when a depressive spell is on me. Without my husband now that will be constantly, because he won’t be there to help me with all those daily chores of living that exhaust me so me. I loved Andrew Solomon’s ted talk about depression so much where he says the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.
Nowhere is it written that we are owed happiness. That every moment we suffer is like a deposit into a savings account for our future happiness. Once we’re past it, depression can later lend perspective and increase gratitude for not living that life anymore but there is no guarantee we will ever be past it. I’m tired of being told it will get better, that it’s just the depression that makes one hopeless. I’m always going to struggle with working, and will never make enough money to fund the lifestyle I want. I don’t even want to own a house or new car, or anything extravagant. I am happy (very very happy) with secondhand clothes (even shoes) from thrift stores. I don’t like going to restaurants or Starbucks or anything like that. Just travel and hiking, and I can rarely afford to do either. I’ve often thought if I could afford a car (and learn to drive) I would be able to go hiking on the weekends at least but this is something that I will never get to either.
I get so upset sometimes thinking about how hard society makes suicide. Yes I know it affects others terribly, my brother killed himself and it was very hard on us. Well most of us. But really I don’t feel my suicide will be prevented by making it hard to kill myself, it will just guarantee a worse and bloodier end. And perhaps that is what I deserve for the harm I will inflict on others. Okay fair enough, I suppose. But, I still wouldn’t want my loved ones’ final moments to be terrifying and horrific, to have them suffer for so long they get to the point where even long minutes of agony is preferable to waking up for another day. There should be a statute of limitations on suffering. I am sure many or even most people are glad they did not kill themselves, and in fact the only deterrent they had from killing themselves was that they couldn’t bear to risk how much it would hurt to die via whatever unsanctioned method they could bring themselves to do. And yet and yet and yet. Everything would be so much cleaner if suicide were more socially acceptable. Like with a terminal illness, you have time to accept what will happen to your loved ones. And, instead of them having to do something horrific to themselves, they could see a doctor. Sigh. wish I was Belgian 🙁
33 comments
Belgian?
No kidding! You met and married someone on this …whatever this platform is called? Wow…dangerous. Funny the choices we make. Maybe it sounds good to FINALLY meet someone who understands me and can talk openly. Interesting.
I’ve always believed in Kurt Vonneguts Suicide Parlors as he writes about in Welcome to the Monkey House.
Euthanasia is legal for psychiatric reasons in Belgium. I first learned of this from a program I heard on the radio in January 2015 where they played clips from a Belgium documentary about assisted suicide. In it, they film the final moments of a young lady, ‘Eva’, who has been cleared by three doctors to receive euthanasia due to incurable depression. Today via google I found the program I originally heard, it was made by PBS apparently and wasn’t just a radio program but there’s video as well, so I finally saw what Eva looked like. Googling the Belgium documentary, it instantly came up, it’s on youtube with English subtitles. The elderly gentleman reminds me too much of my father who’s had strokes 🙁
I think it’s worth mentioning that another young woman’s story always comes up when you research euthanasia in Belgium, a young lady who at the last minute backed off from doctor-assisted suicide. I like to think that if in the US for example we had that law, we would have the same results: humane deaths for those who need it, while those who don’t will get the sort of wake up call they need to shift their perspective and enjoy their lives as they should.
Of course, considering American views of abortion, hmmm….it’s not ever going to happen. Which I find rather depressing because to me, it all comes down to compassion. I have always been so touched all my life by all the kind people I have met growing up in the US, but I have recently come to conclude that compared to certain other societies, America as a whole is not a very compassionate place. 🙁
I adore Kurt Vonnegut, because you mentioned it I just reread Welcome to the Monkey House, Vonnegut has such humor, it made me smile a few times. Thank you.
And yes honestly but meeting someone online is INCREDIBLY dangerous. We emailed each other daily for over a year before meeting, on top of skyping for hours and hours a day. I find it rather disturbing, how many people online talk about meeting up (and/or hooking up) before offing themselves. Well. That’s our world I guess
Thanks for the info about Belgium. I’ll google it…as I do everything else. I spent a month in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico last January. It was the friendliest place I’ve ever been. People are always celebrating something, always helpful and laughing. People in the US think down upon Mexico, but I found it amazing.
I read about a guy who jumped off the golden Gate Bridge, but changed his mind as his fingers left the railing. He miraculously survived. Like the Belgium lady you spoke of.
Mexico huh. I was recently researching holiday options there myself, well less holiday and more ‘exit’-oriented actually…trying to be vague because methods are not to be discussed, I’m sure you get my meaning. Mexico can seem like a mecca for those with a death wish (or, who don’t live in Belgium…).
I believe I read once that half of jumpers who survive their fall report that mid-way through their fall they changed their minds. There’s a ted talk by a highway patrolman who has encountered and attempted to save many would-be jumpers from the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s incredibly touching and made me cry so hard (which perhaps is not that difficult to accomplish but even so). I don’t think the Golden Gate Bridge is a good place to jump, so many people survive (sometimes with a broken back) and besides Godzilla might be down there.
Thank you for sharing your story, although it is very sad. I wish this post could be pinned to the top of this website because it highlights things that no one will admit (in the medical healthcare profession). Suicidal depression never goes away. To hell with the “you have to WANT to get better” bs because you obviously tried harder than anyone, and yet 4 years later you’re right back here. Another very important warning your story tells is something we also conveniently forget:
“two people with mental health problems do not make a good match”
In case anyone missed that, let’s say it again. TWO PEOPLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS DO NOT MAKE A GOOD MATCH.
I’ve been lurking on and off for years and seen nothing but love failures on this site, and I mean horrible failures. Cruelty, abuse, emotional manipulation, abandonment in the worst way. I don’t know your full story, but I’ve read the damage reports from others here, and the fact that SP hook ups don’t end in murder-suicide is beyond me. I’m sure a few may have.
If there are any positives to be picked out of this mess, I think it’s that our best chance of beating depression & suicide has to be total independence. That means no relying on love, drugs or therapists. If you can’t break free by yourself, then you’ll always end up right back here even if others pull you out for a short time. That probably doesn’t sound good, but it’s meant to be inspiring. Claw your way out and resist the temptation to cling to others. So all of us who complain about being lonely and unloved, we probably have the best chance of breaking free.
Thank you very much for your kind words. I’m sorry you’re so sad 🙁
I will mention — perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised that me mentioning I met my husband through this website would garner such interest, it’s always been one of those little secrets I try not to think about.
But yes, mental health must be addressed in order to have a healthy relationship, there’s no way around it. In our case, I feel very much that it was my mental health that was the issue. And, our problems were only exacerbated by long distance. He’s from the UK and I’m from the US and we were apart for two years after marriage (thanks, US immigration). If it had been only six months or even a year I think it would’ve been fine, but as it was cracks occurred in the foundation that took too much effort to mend. Cracks that would not have appeared if we had been together, I like to think. Further, my husband is far less depressed than I am. He just needed to get a different job and everything was okay for him. It’s me who couldn’t come to terms with everything.
What you wrote about ‘total independence’ reminded me a bit of the old ‘lead a horse to water’ quote. I have often wondered if I just didn’t WANT it enough, ie to get better. I don’t know though, if tears can measure how much and how often I wanted to be better, then surely I wanted to get better. Very very much, and for myself no less. Of course I wanted to be happy. Who wouldn’t want to slip out of their depression like a dirty old coat and walk in the warm and golden sunshine of life?
I am convinced from various studies I have read that some of us have brains more predisposed to depression and suicide and while it is certainly possible to slowly and painstakingly modify behavior and thought patterns and ultimately some of our neural network, it is like fighting an uphill battle. Of course we get tired of it. For people who have never been suicidal, it is simply their good fortune to be born with a brain predisposed to more positive thought patterns and behavior. They didn’t ask to be born this way anymore than we did. I don’t think I am any less or worse or ‘weaker’ than they are for being the way I am (ie suicidal), all we are is determined by that few pounds of gray matter between our ears. And if mine or yours has a tendency to go to dark places more often than is healthy, because of the certain shape of some lump or other on our brains, then all I would ask for is some understanding of what it is like to have a brain like this. It is like being born with a limp or ‘lazy eye’, capable of being corrected perhaps with a leg brace or eyewear but our natural inclination is still to limp or whatever, metaphorically speaking, and it will take a long, long time to correct with no guarantee of turning out ‘normal’ with full mobility. um. Hope that makes sense…
Anyway, thank you again for your kind words, it means a lot for someone to comment on your thoughts. Hope you can break free soon xx
These are some great thoughts you’ve brought up. I feel like each one could have its own discussion, but I’ll just pick a few in no particular order.
1. “I have often wondered if I just didn’t WANT it enough” I think by you taking such a big step toward happiness (marriage, long distance no less) you proved that you’re willing to make huge changes in your life, meaning you definitely want happiness. If the effort fell short, my guess is you lost faith in it. At least that’s how I see my failed attempts. I think this is human nature. Say you start climbing a mountain and it seems like a good idea at first, but you soon realize it’s much harder than you expected. You lose faith in the effort and you stop trying. I think that’s sensible, because if you keep trying, despite being past your physical limits, you risk serious injury. Does this mean that you don’t want to climb the mountain bad enough? I think it just means you realized your strategy wasn’t totally sound.
2. “some of us have brains that are more predisposed to depression … it is like fighting an uphill battle” YES I totally agree. How else do you explain young kids, I’m talking under 10 years old, who kill themselves? Meanwhile you can have someone who lives a full 80+ life with tons of suffering but they never consider suicide. I think that proves that there’s a biological difference between us and non-suicidal people. It isn’t purely conditioning, otherwise everyone who got raped at age (whatever) would commit suicide. The fact is, given identical circumstances, some people will choose suicide while others will never consider it.
So now how about this (and I’ll tie it in with the subject of dating & marrying other depressed people), if depression/suicide is biological… let’s say it’s genetic… then it’s clearly a recessive gene since only like 0.01% of the population commits suicide. AND if it’s a recessive/weak gene, then maybe the failure of relationships between depressed people is some sort of evolutionary nudge. Suicidal people aren’t supposed to procreate because that would pass the double recessive suicidal genes to their kids. So wouldn’t that be hilarious if evolution was just giving you a nudge (more like a pistol whip across the face) that you should choose an emotionally stable individual as a mate, thus ensuring the survival instincts of your offspring.
Well I just went off the deep end didn’t I? Sorry if I lost you in my rambles. But if you hadn’t guessed, you got me thinking pretty deep :p
Oh I missed your response, and now you will probably miss this! 🙁 But, I would still like to respond anyway… 🙂
1. “If the effort fell short, my guess is you lost faith in it. At least that’s how I see my failed attempts.” Interesting — I have always thought of my hm trials in a similar way. What I always said is that, while I was getting measurably better (for example, from fixing my thyroid, therapy etc), it just wasn’t enough. It was like carrying a backpack (up a mountain if you will) that is 200lbs past my limit. And let’s say getting some things ‘fixed’ in my life helped — and it helped a LOT. So, 100lbs is now out of the pack. Which sounds great, but…the pack is still 100lbs past my limit. Just carrying around this pack everywhere, every day, that’s a 100lbs too heavy, is just too much for me. I can’t do it. I just can’t. Even going through great efforts to knock off another 50lbs — it doesn’t matter if that pack is 50lbs too heavy or 100lbs or whatever, ‘too heavy’ = too heavy. So, that’s why I can’t go on. Does that make sense…? 🙁
2. Yes, there are clearly very many factors at work that help determine whether an individual will ever be suicidal or even seriously depressed at any point in their life. Some studies of the brains of recurrent depressives vs those who had ‘merely’ a single depressive really struck me, as well as believe it or not a study of the brains of incarcerated juvenile delinquents. All of our behavior is determined by the framework in our heads, and I think the luck of genetics certainly plays a roll in whether or not you’ll get enviously happy and good-natured framework. I believe in both nature and nurture, but sometimes (for good or ill) nature is strong enough no matter the environment/nurture you receive. And the amount of conscious effort it takes to correct shall we say unproductive framework is frankly exhausting.
As for your thoughts on evolution weeding out depressive matches, well that certainly is possible. Both my parents are quite crazy, and as an adult I realized that while I was growing up, my mother was seriously depressed. But I can’t imagine either of my parents ever being suicidal, especially my father. It was however him who had a brother who committed suicide, and well so did a son of his / my brother. My husband a similar story with his family. So, genetics are quite probably a factor. They may not be capable of being suicidal but as mentioned, my parents are quite off their rockres. I once made my first therapist laugh (totally unintentional on my part) when I told her how my siblings and I had this theory growing up that somehow my parents sensed the craziness in the other via pheromone or some such, and it is that which drew them to each other. Because my parents’ siblings are shockingly (just shockingly) normal, while my parents are shockingly (just shockingly) not. My friends couldn’t believe they were related to my parents, and with my parents being the black (or crazy) sheep in their families, it just makes sense that it was something they instinctively sensed about one another upon meeting.
As for going off the deep end, I really couldn’t say. I am my parents’ daughter and from where I’m treading water you appear to be in the shallow end 😉
I have been looking for a long time for someone else’s articulation of how I am feeling…and this is it. Thank you so much for writing this.
Thank you so much for your comment, it made me cry and it was very touching to feel that my experience resonates so strongly with someone. Thank you again
If i found someone to love on a site for suicide, i would expect somethign else.
Workign hard to get better, and failing in it might indeed break your relationship. I think the wonderful part of a relationship between two suicidal people is that you understand eachother. that you are finally free to give up, finally free to stop doing what society expects from you because you find someone that is the same as you. Finally free to sink deeper and deeper, because loneliness finally disappeared. evenif hell exists, you would have finally foudn the soulmate to share hell wiht. I think fighting to get better indeed makes it hard to live together, because you both are fighting to reach what you didn’t reach before. I think that’s not the reason why a relationship between 2 mentally ill people can be beautiful. the beautiful part is you found love for hell, found love in the darkness and love wwhen you fail. it’s not ment to climb up again, because when one climbs higher than the other your relationship will break again.
I agree with that., and it is beautifully put. My relationships with people who don’t struggle with mental health issues have failed because the other person just doesn’t get it. my most recent ex said “men always leave you because you are so negative” and the old “cheer up, there are many people who have it worse than you”. Then again, I’ve had other relationships with people who struggle with mental health. One failed because there was an imbalance in our respective efforts to get help. ( I was trying, he had given up, and I felt like he was drowning and I was reaching out to pull him out of the water but instead of taking my hand he was trying to pull me in with him. I don’t think this was intentional but ultimately I had to leave for the sake of my own sanity). The other relationship failed, I think because I was struggling visibly and he was struggling internally and in denial about it. I think my visible struggles made it harder for him to continue in his denial, and he walked away, I think, out of fear. Or maybe I’m totally wrong, and, as the book says he just “wasn’t that into [me]”
I think you didn’t understand what i mean. I think the big difference between us(suicidal people) and “normal ” people is we can stop thinking in the “normal” way. So love is not, fighting for nothing and tryingto pull someonee that’s drwoning up again, but drowning together. I think most suicidal peopele acct to much as “normal’ peopple towards others, they know they can not be helped annymore but they want others to hld on. Or they still run away when the other one is drowning. Why do we even make it hard for others that feel the same as we do? We have the choice between fighting for nothing or finally finding someone to drown together. Love between suicidal peopel doesn’t mean fighting to get better, but lving eachother while drowning. that lvoe means when oen of both wants to end it, you go gehterinto whatever comes next, even eternal hell. but even suicidal people seem not to understand that.
I’m sure they all begin that way. But the problem is that suicidal people, by definition, have no limit to their hopelessness. So it is easy for us to quit. One thing depression teaches us is that we can quit, sleep for 3 days, ruin our lives and ultimately end our lives any time we want. “Normal” people don’t think that way, they may get very upset but they don’t quit life the way we have learned to do.
Now take 2 people with depression and leave them alone together. Does anyone here honestly believe that some magical positivity, greater than the sum of both their negativity, will spontaneously generate? No, it will just be a time bomb waiting for one of them to have a bad downswing, and heaven help them if the other person is also in a downswing, unable to bear the weight of them both.
A relationship isn’t like winning the lottery and suddenly everything comes easy. It’s more like a career that you have to work hard to make a success. I think a lot of people watch movies and think a first kiss means happily ever after, winning the lottery. But no, a relationship is equal to what both people bring into it. In the case of 2 mentally unstable people, well just read the stories on this website. Zero percent success rate. Zero.
i dont’ think negative and negative will be positive. i think negative and negative wil finally understand eachother and find the strenght to do what society tries to take away form them. Love can bee sharing eternal torture in hell after dying togehter in suicide, there’s nothing positive about it but that love is much more meaningful than trying to let someone fight that wants to end it.
“Nowhere is it written that we are owed happiness.”
What more needs to be said?
🙁
If you struggle with your mental health who do you expect to attract? There are plenty of people with “issues” out there in the real world. If you “fall in love” you fall in love, it honestly shouldn’t matter where you meet them. Just use your judgment and make sure people’s actions match their words, otherwise you’ll have problems.
Sorry your marriage didn’t work out, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you met your ex *on this site*.
No indeed, I do not think all couples comprised of the mentally unwell are doomed to fail. The odds are just extremely stacked against us. Because, mental health problems are well problematic, and if they cause you trouble they will cause your partner trouble as well. You have to both be committed to working through individual problems together, to being there to help your partner along when they stumble. This is something my husband could not deal with; at least, could not deal with in regards to my insecurities with him.
It’s like two cancer patients falling in love and going through the trials of chemo and radiation together…it’s hard enough for a healthy person to give the emotional support needed, let alone someone who is going through the same thing.
i always talked about this with my partner (now we’re trying to be friends). That how much of our relationship was enabling or how much was allowing each other to be sad without judgement, its hard to find the line that separates the two. How much is love and how much is us trying to escape our own depression and loneliness. I would always say its both because we shouldnt pretend we’re not victims of our own negative emotions, i would tell her that i did wanted to be with her because in a way it was a way to escape reality, i am selfish but i also did care about her and it didnt stop after we broke up. In my opinion its about embracing those negative feelings that we find ourselves running away from, not accepting them but embracing them in the hopes that we will be able to fully understand where they come from and hopefully have better control of what goes thru our minds, of our emotions, etc. Thanks for sharing
My spouse decided he was enabling me too much. I called it ‘helping’ 🙁
I like what you said about embracing the negative feelings vs accepting them. I want to think about that some more.
I hope you continue to build your friendship with your partner, I hope to do so as well
Sad how true this is. Knowing I’ll never be able to fund the lifestyle I want, yet people tell me all over, “It’ll get better just hold in there.” Not because they know it will get better but because they are simply lying so I don’t kill myself. And what better way to lie to someone then to give them false hope so they keep on enduring their miserable lives just so everyone else can be happy. It’s pathetic.
Well written. Wish it were not so. But yeah, happens all the time.
I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work for you. Relationships are hard work. Take a lot of energy. Must be difficult when you need to reserve your own energy to heal yourself. It would be so good to have someone to share the tough times with. I would give anything to have un-conditional love in my life. I’ve been relentlessly independently single nearly my whole life. As I age, I feel the lack of love profoundly.
I hear Thailand is also a good place for a holiday-although further from the USA.
Whilst the Belgian situation appears to be an ideal solution, I believe the process takes some time to work through. I guess that ensures the person wanting release is determined.
Thanks for sharing your story so eloquently.
Thank you very much for your condolences. And yes, our relationship could be very difficult at times. Well, we have discussed this, and our relationship was either effortless and wonderful, except for the 5 – 10% of the time it was not. I think that is probably most relationships? Or, at least, so I hope. I read a comment online not that long ago, it made quite an impact on me:
“When I met my wife, we had a discussion about what relationships were about. I said “hard work and compromise”. She was a little surprised.
I’ve since learned it’s neither of those things – it’s about having fun, loving, respect, sharing and caring about each other. No hard work or compromise in sight.”
I felt so shocked when I read that, because that is what I would always tell my husband, that relationships are about hard work and compromise, which upset him. How different things might have been if those inevitable serious talks could have been approached with more love, respect and even light humor 🙁
That said, I think that may be the ‘hard work’ in relationships after all — learning how to approach difficult issues with more love, respect and even light humor 🙁
The unconditional love is something I craved as well. My husband always made it clear however that his love was conditional, which is not something I coped with well I’m afraid. To be more specific and hopefully fair to my husband, he said he would always care about me, but not necessarily stay with me. I tried to explain how saying such things (…frequently…) heightened my insecurities and so exacerbated problems but well I suppose this is just my personal issue I need to learn to resolve, how to be less sensitive and insecure. Which is like impossible but whatevs.
That said, unconditional love is why I am famously obsessed with pets, and also why I can’t currently have pets, because by god does it hurt when they go. Sooo I ‘borrow’ friends’ pets, or pet sit for them when needed, or at least I did until I moved to eastern Europe to teach. I still donate to spaying and neutering programs when I can, because it truly is the best way to help cats and dogs. And occasionally I stare out my kitchen window and plot how I can trap the semi-feral cats I see in the neighborhood and kidnap them so I don’t have to worry about them anymore.
This really isn’t my place and I doubt it’s the first time you’ve heard it but I wonder if perhaps you could find a furry companion to experience some unconditional love…? Perhaps you already have pets, or can’t have them, or are simply not interested or maybe you’re like me and you love them too much, but there really is no purer or more unconditional love I feel than what we get from cats and dogs.
I am very sorry you do not have enough love in your life. For what it’s worth, until I met my husband I’d never gone on so much as a date (and I was 25 at the time), a friend even told me that for most people she does believe there are plenty of options out there but for me she felt there was just one person who could possibly exist. She is obviously a romantic, but she said this unknowingly right before I met my husband for the first time (in person) and it felt very special. I personally couldn’t stand it when people would tell me to just give someone a chance, or that there are plenty of people out there etc. If it happens it happens, and if it could happen to me (who was determined to be single all my life) surely it could happen to you. I have read several very sweet stories this year in the news about very elderly people in assisted living facilities getting married, and they behave sweeter than any teenagers in love. I believe that sweet and happy love is possible at any age, and for anyone.
Yes I heard of Thailand as well, but there was something about my research that said made me prefer Mexico, maybe it was Thailand tightening up their access to such things or fake products in the pharmacies, something like that. There are quite good deals from time to time to Thailand from the States, so money wasn’t the issue (though with my current salary crikey it would be). I am now quite far away from Mexico anyway, so that’s not an easy option now as well. (You sound like you’re in Europe/Britain so I imagine you’re a ways away from either destination as well — though please no need to confirm that.) Oh Peru might actually be better now than Mexico but unfortunately certainly not an option for me.
Thank you for your response, and I hope you feel less lonely and more loved soon.
Hi
Sorry – just read your response now – thank you.
Interesting r/ship comment about fun, loving, respect, sharing and caring rather than hard work/compromise. It think that applies to all our r/ships -not only intimate ones.
I feel the same as you regarding fur kids. I love animals but can’t have any where I currently live. I also find it really hard coping with the death of a companion animal. When I go for a walk I can usually find a friendly puss to pat. They tend to follow me though so I have to be careful!
If I find love again then I will accept it but I’m not looking.
I carried out some brief research into Thailand and I think you are correct. Peru perhaps but distance for you? (I’m in NZ)
Thank you for your kind words. I hope you find what you’re looking for and thanks again for sharing your story.
Long before I met my husband, I would always read relationship articles and get peeved at them for being targeted at ‘just’ romantic relationships. Because from my point of view, good relationship advice is good relationship, period. Whether it is for intimate relationships, platonic or whatever. And also, from what I could gather, all relationship articles boil down to one single concept: how to be more considerate of your partner. Different articles would simply brainstorm different sorts of ways of how to be more considerate of your partner depending on the situation. I was never planning on being in a relationship so it bothered me that this very valuable advice was being hyped at ‘just’ people in romantic partnerships.
Seeing articles touting the benefits of the paired vs solo life also annoyed me, because I wanted science to confirm that you could be just as healthy and happy and long-lived by yourself as with someone. I saw relationships as being both selfish and self-obsessed, encouragement to cut yourself off from others and focus on your own happiness. I was certain being single is what made me volunteer so much through my teens and early 20s. Falling in love made me change my mind considerably as I saw how it changed me. I decided that being in love does in fact make us better people, encourages empathy and consideration of others in ways I hadn’t been able to imagine.
And, I can’t believe you’re in Kiwiland! I studied abroad there while in ‘uni’ a decade ago. I too had a sweet little kitty I could pet on my walks, he followed me home once when it started to rain though his own house was closer.
I loved your country quite a bit, it’s an easy country to love minus the ozone problem. I have Australian dual citizenship courtesy of my mum, and at that time I’d heard that Australia and NZ had an agreement where citizens could automatically become permanent residents in each others’ countries. I think I’ve heard that’s changed now however, though certainly at the time I remember a lot of young Kiwis (between denigrating Aussies as sheep shaggers and such) would wistfully say they were seriously considering jumping ship to Oz, “just to see what the big city experience is like”. Australia feels like America to me though (with more skin cancer). Whereas NZ was just is so incredibly laid back, and the people so painfully friendly and hospitable.
I think considering the state of things I may somehow have to find a way to Peru after all. I have just always been terrified of going so far and then not being able to get what I need. Well. That’s just what this state of mind is about, hurting enough to be pushed beyond such worries.
Also, I wanted to say I’m sorry about your friends who recently passed. It can’t be easy to lose both so close together 🙁
Thank you for your reply, and for reading my (always too long) story. I hope everything gets easier for you day by day. Cheers
Hi again,
I can’t seem to reply to your post so have replied to this comment.
Thanks for your reply.
Falling in love is a life changing experience. It can be wonderful and painful. You seem to be a romantic woman and from what you have written, not embittered by your experience –resigned/accepting perhaps?
I have lived alone for most of my life. I’ve travelled about since I was 18 so haven’t put down roots anywhere or made lifelong friends. I make friends at the workplace but when I (or they) move on keeping in contact seems to be mainly up to me and if they are ‘a couple’, then their r/ship is more important than their friends. So I’ve drifted through life trying to find a place to feel at home, somewhere to belong. I haven’t found that place.
If I could happily get through life ignoring the reality of it, I have consciously made the decision to recognise my life, to look back at the past and to face up to my mistakes. I feel like I’m making peace with myself in a way. When one lives alone there is little to distract the mind.
Small world- you have been here at Uni! The ozone hole has shrunk again so it’s safe now. Yes, NZ and Aust have close ties but this has changed now. NZ’ers can still work there but don’t have all the same benefits they used to i.e. welfare. They need to apply for citizenship and line up with all the other applicants now. No preferential treatment. Australians living here are treated just the same as NZ’ers. Not sure if that will last. I’ve lived in Australia on and off over the years- most of my extended family live there.
Peru – same thoughts as you. I would be afraid of being stuck there- isolated – not being able to get what I wanted and then …what? It’s not as easy as it appears. Can’t just hop off a plane, go to a shop and have it all done in a couple of days. As you say, hurting enough to be pushed beyond all worries. It’s my first thought every morning – how much longer. I’m trying not to think about the minutiae but focus on the end result. I’m in two minds about how much prep to do, should I give everything away or just go and leave it to be sorted by my executor. At the moment I’m making a feeble attempt to clean out junk. I just don’t have the energy or drive to do much.
My friends, I’m sure, are in a better place. I would trade places with them in an instant.
Thank you again for your kind words. It’s very much appreciated. If you want to comm directly – I am at emptysky protonmail com.
Thank you very much, email sent 🙂
I can understand how you feel. When you feel like your whole world & future have been destroyed it’s very hard to find a reason to continue. I say this from experience, because I’ve lived it and am still fighting to survive. My former girlfriend (Karla) told me how much she liked being with me & how sweet my kisses were. We even talked about growing old together. I even proposed to Karla. She is the only woman I’ve ever proposed to and she accepted. Then about 6 weeks later Karla threw me away like yesterday’s dog shit. My world clasped all around me. I had told Karla that she had captured my heart. In the end Karla completely destroyed my heart, so much so that to this day I still have not put it back together. Because of Karla, I will never be able to truly love any other. At the time I joked with friends, though they didn’t think it was a joke, that I could put a knife in my chest where my heart was supposed to be and nothing would happen, because I didn’t have a heart anymore. I commented that the only reason I was still standing was that my body was too stupid to know that it was dead.
I guess the sad part of it is I will always care for & about Karla.
The only consolation that I have is the guy (Chris) Karla threw me away for the 2 (Karla & Chris) of them did get married, but the marriage only lasted 14 months. If you count the day of Karla’s 2nd divorce, so in the end the marriage probably did last a year.
I hope you find someone special and your heart heals.
I have always said that increasing everyone’s empathy dramatically would solve the world’s problems. Because, you can’t hurt others when their pain is your own. Nor can you, for example, throw away your fiance like yesterday’s dog um waste 🙁
I am so sorry for what happened to you. Speaking from experience, seeing someone you’ve loved so much leave you so easily is an unspeakable sort of pain.
Some of us just love too much I guess. And mental health professionals will always say that’s not healthy, we need to limit how much we love and depend on another person for our happiness. I used to say the same thing too to others, before I fell in love myself. And then how the tides turned. And suddenly, such words were very upsetting to me. I eventually concluded that loving too much is not a problem — so long as the other person is as equally committed as you.
Of course, I’m not a mental health professional and have unhappy reasons to feel the way that I do. I hope you can feel better soon and find peace and happiness, you deserve it after what you went through.
Oh, and I do know two people who suffered MH problems that had an enduring relationship. One partner died a month ago of cancer before the age of 54 and his partner followed a few weeks later. I wondered if it was a good idea when they became a couple but they appeared content and supported each other. I miss them.