Just look at this whiny bull**** I’ve just published on here.

So, I’ve now got a hold of my bus pass which means my suicide date has generously been bumped back early. Instead of the 8th September I’m thinking the 5th. It’s a pity how much I would be leaving behind. A boyfriend that tenderly loves and cares for me. A kind-natured mother who had never once disowned me. A potentially bright career path, etc. 

It’s more harder to hold yourself together than it seems to the outsiders. They see the good things, they wonder why a person can be so wickedly selfish that despite the goodness in life they’re still driven by their suicidal tendencies. The pain has tainted a lot of the goodness in my life, within every little good thing there’s a stand of trauma reflecting in my mind. I can’t escape it, I really cannot escape this pain. 

The frozen reactions, the numbness, the heavy tears, the rapid heartbeat, the shaking, the fear, the shock, the hallucinations, the nightmares.. oh.. it’s just too much of a heavy burden for someone who was already frail from the very start. I love my boyfriend very much, I love my friends, you don’t necessarily need to be living in an abusive household with no friends no outside support in order to be driven to suicide. 

I know this now. When you’re sat in the therapist office and begin to understand that not even words can save you. I could have all the love and care in the world, however much is possible, but nothing is going to take it all away.