I am tired.
Tired of fucking everything up.
Tired of worrying all the time.
Tired of being tired.
Tired of existing.
I’ve been isolating myself more and more for no reason. I don’t really want to be around other people, and other people are offput by how unresponsive and reticent I am. It’s weird, because I’ll get high, and then the fact I have not eaten makes me feel even more high, in a way. It’s sort of like a state of bliss. But, clearly, not eating has pretty heavy cognitive effects, one of which is almost appearing like a zombie to others. It is not something that’s easy to explain. There’s a euphoric sense of power associated with plummeting blood sugar levels, contrary to the weakness, fatigue, and shakiness.
I feel like I’m in a different world than everyone else. The obvious solution to withdraw even further. I’m trying to grip onto reality, but I am so overcome by paranoia, and I’m almost positive it’s actually affecting my life. My anxiety skyrockets, mostly in social situations, and in turn, I act a bit off, because I’m so fucking busy worrying about being awkward, as if I even care what other people think of me? What is their hidden motive? I know they’re out to get me, or humiliate me. I feel like I can’t properly comprehend social situations, so I’m worried I really just look like a fucking wreck. A simple example would be a guy sending me a text right after we hang out, and then precede to not answer. Now I’m just going and going about what if this, what if that, and my roommate had to be like “dude, he probably just went to sleep, relax, it’s midnight.” I severely overanalyze everything, so I will start worrying about something trivial like accidentally appearing rude because I didn’t say bye loud enough when I was leaving, even though I’m soft spoken. Anything that I can worry about.
Honestly, writing this I know how stupid it is, thinking back on it. How so real these feelings are when they happen, but when it is not actively present, it does not seem logical, or practical. I used to have my boyfriend ground me into reality, but now I broke up with him and I don’t trust anyone else. I get so fixated on a certain thing that it spirals, and morphs my whole sense of reality. I’m always quick to blame myself for everything that could potentially happen. It’s narcissism with a twist; instead of seeming conceited, I assume everything has to do with me, that it’s my fault, or the notion that I’m even involved in the first place. I’m always itching for more ways I can degrade myself. In a way, it gives me a sort of gratification.
Some people are wired to be quite self-destructive, I suppose.
9 comments
I don’t know what to say as far as advice is concerned. I struggle with this paranoia constantly, and I feel like I am in my own bubble because people never see the real me. You have all the good qualities that’s for sure, I know I do too, but FFS I can’t show the right face when I am in social situations. So extremely irritating and difficult.
Eat you ******, you’re god dammed gorgeous.
Fair enough, you’re allowed in my world and we can share a bubble, since you have the best shot of understanding what I say compared to others. Youssss my number one fan on here hehe.
See you worded my (and your) struggle with paranoia better than I could, except you know I’d never be the one to say I have good qualities. You do, though, which you already know.
You know what’s also annoying? When you meet people and you’re a little happier then you should be, so people expect you to be like all bubbly and outgoing, but then you’re “normal” again and people are disappointed.
You have a really whack sleep schedule, if you actually posted this at 5am, sleep you loser ?
Yes, I am still awake. Yes that’s the worst thing about being a moody dude. Sometimes I can meet people and present them with this totally out of site, cool calm happy fun dude. The next day though they see me with excited anticipation, and I am so chemically deprived I come across as an incoherent grumpy misanthrope.
I don’t know how to use sp too well lmfao @ me failing with that other comment. Maybe this one too I guess illl find out after I post this.
When are you gonna post more stuff, hmmmmmm? I’m gonna leave encouraging comments. You’re more of a writer than I am.
Would you rather be grumpy or super awkward/come across as an anxious wreck who then talks because of it???? Grumpiness can be sorta cute tho u no? Like when a girls stubborn compared to guys being grumpy, they’re both pretty adorable (most of the time).
I am too anxious to speak, and because of these things I come across as a grumpy. I guess it depends on what part of the day you catch me. That’s kinda what I meant when I said I come across as incoherent, anxiety will do that to you. The thing I know is every person who encounters me always ends up having the wrong idea about me.
I do this selective communication which is completely dependent on my current mood. If I feel confident and talkative I will seek the people out, and if not they mostly learned to stay away. Sucks how conditional all of my relationships end up.
Do you want people to stay away? Or it’s just how it happens?
And how often do your moods switch like that? Like a daily thing, or over time it becomes consistent for a while?
Yes I want them to stay away, I don’t make eye contact; I give no indication of any social interest.The moods switch daily when taking drugs, and then while stabilized on medication I am generally just too anxious to talk to anyone.
On here, too? Since there’s no physical social interaction or anything.
Hey my question mark was actually a heart and sp is not hip to those character things I guess. ? Maybe that one works