I had a cylinder of ******** delivered to my house today. A regulator and some other bits and pieces should arrive next week
And suddenly I feel really scared. I saw my psychiatrist last week, and he increased two of my antidepressants, which at least during the day makes me feel a bit better. That’s good, but I hate how I seem to depend on all those tablets, and I seem to be developing tolerance every few months, and then I need to take even more.
I am taking at the moment a ridiculous 15 tablets a day, 6 different ones, and then 2 more as needed. Shit, I almost rattle when I walk!
I guess that i feel scared shows that I am not ready to leave yet. So, I’ll hang in a bit longer.
But part of me is also scared that anybody finds out. A big cylinder is not exactly easy to hide. It’s only possibility because I live alone.
There were a few good moments this weekend, and I savoured them
However, my issue is not that I can’t get better, it’s that I cannot stay well.
19 comments
Ah… it’s nothing to be afraid of. Do you want consciousness and to continue living and being enlightened while barred to physical body or to fade away into the vastness of everything that is out there whilst not being a physical form. What do you see it as. I mean what could you miss? You can miss…. what? I would miss….uh….. drawing and writing….. walking…… laughing….. other than that I wouldnt miss it.
Maybe you would miss your psychiatrist?
I’m not afraid of missing anything. When I’m dead i can’t miss anything.
I’m trying to work out what I’m afraid off, and it’s very hard to pinpoint.
I think what it is is that in the past I often have felt very very strongly about wanting to die, but after an episode I sometimes look back and I’m horrified of what I nearly did.
I think I’m afraid of making the wrong decision, now that I have the means it’s easier to act on impulse.
At the moment the cylinder is definitely just staying in it’s hiding spot – I’m not going to use it in the immediate future
Tomorrow I may feel differently. Will always apply the 3 day rule.
Oh well if afterwards you regret it and are terrified then you probably don’t want to complete suicide. So what is this cylinder you speak of. Where do you get a that?
I agree, right now I’m not ready to leave, but until the cylinder arrived I thought I was. It seems it’s a big difference between ‘I wish I could ‘ and ‘ok, here we go!’
As to what cylinder: it’s a big cylinder with 99.9% ********. I plan to do what’s usually done with Helium, but pure Helium is difficult to get. ******** was easy.
That is so exciting! Where are you from! Please tell me where you got the cylinder just real quick. I desperately need some. But how can you be sure it is pure? Have you tested the contents somehow?
I’m from Australia. I can’t give you any specific details, that would be against the rules. But the difference is that while for the typical use of Helium it does not matter much whether it’s mixed with air, but the typical uses of ******** require it to be very pure. Hence any supplier has to clearly state the purity.
I know it is against rules but all that will happen is it will be deleted. If you ordered online could you tell me where? I have been trying to find a good way out for years. I am not scared, and don’t ever regret my attempts.. only wish they would work. Need something that will work. If you can’t tell me where exactly can you tell me if it was online and how much it cost. I am very poor.
BOC , but that’s an Australian company, and yes I ordered it online, and they delivered it, but unless you live in Australia that does not help you.
These cylinders are huge, and they are regarded as dangerous goods.
I don’t know where you’re from, but google for welding equipment or supplies.
I only just read the end of your comment, that you’re very poor: this is not a cheap method as you also need a regulator. I ordered reasonably cheap one from eBay, but I’m not sure yet whether it’s compatible. The ones from BOC are over $300
I’m in the same boat and have all I need to make my final plans. However, I’m feeling good right now thank goodness, but that can turn on a dime for no reason whatsoever. I take a large quantity of meds daily too which sucks. I hope you find a way out without ending your life. Me, I’m thinking of hanging around as a ghost for a bit before I cross over to whatever is out there. I’ve seen a few ghosts in my lifetime (not under the influence of drugs and have had other witnesses see them too to make sure I wasn’t crazy). Hang in there bud.
Yes, I’ve wondered about that?(ghosts/spirits). Why are they here? Why are they hanging around? Is it the fate of all of us that we remain? Whether or not we are see? God thats so fucking depressing. Was/is there another place to go? A light or whatever but they refuse for whatever reasons to go into? So many unanswered questions. It’s horrible to think that some who’ve suffered so much seem trapped in a cycle or something even after they’ve died.
Wallflower, I’ve been asking spirits that for years when investigating haunted locations. Even the intelligent spirits that sometimes respond to direct questions never answer those questions. I record evps often and have received some really good audio recordings but never get those answers. Frustrating!
That’s fascinating. Have you seen them all your life? I’ve only had a couple of incidents that may be explained in another way. What I saw seemed to be a recording of the past? They didn’t seem to be aware of my presence. And yes I’ve known others who’ve said that they don’t answer those “direct questions” about life/death/existence. This raises so many other questions. Are they forbidden in some way? Do they know the answers are beyond our comprehension being in the form we are now? Are they trapped here and therefore do not have the answers to the “bigger questions?” Why has so much appeared to be hidden from us?
I like how people mistakenly calling me Wallflower instead of wallower because it so describes my existence as well. Wish I’d thought of that name first. I felt like I sat way too much on the sidelines while everyone else danced. I take responsibility for that too.
I’ll keep those answers after I die. Not before that unfortunately. I used to work in a funeral home and it was very common to see spirits. I saw one lady walk though a door one morning. I was doubting what I saw until I went into a visiting room where a body was located. I looked in and it was the same lady. She was wearing the same gown too. No doubt about it.
Owsley: How did she die?
No idea. I’d guess natural causes due to old age.
I’ve experienced a lot of odd phenomena and wonder about it a lot now.