I feel so incredibly lonely. I’m tired of being completely isolated in my experience of life. I just want one person who understands. Who sees the world as I do. One person who really sees me, and accepts me. One person who cares for me as I truly am, rather than the acceptable facade I present. I need a soulmate.
But soulmates probably don’t exist. And even if they did, there wouldn’t be one for me. The truth is I deserve to be alone. I don’t deserve to be accepted. What I’ve done, what I am, is unacceptable. It’s beyond the pale, for good reason. I shouldn’t be around people. I should be locked up, or dead. Anyone who really understood, who saw the world in the same fucked up way as me, would be just as repulsive as I am. And they’d hate themselves (and me) as much as I hate myself. You can’t expect others to love and accept you unless you can love and accept yourself. And there are things about me that are simply unacceptable.
But knowing that doesn’t stop the longing. It consumes me. I can’t help but be driven by it, even though I see no way forward. There’s nothing to be done, but I have to do something. Any relationship I enter into is inherently deceitful and exploitative. I can’t see how it could work out well for anyone. Even supposing I can fake normalcy for long enough to deceive someone into getting involved with me.
But I can’t stop myself from trying, however hopeless and unfair it might be. Some emotional needs are just too integral to be denied for so long. The rational understanding that there’s no hope isn’t enough to suppress it.
18 comments
Hear you and understand your emotional need. Humans need that bond to thrive. I am unsure about whether we all have a soul-mate out there. Perhaps, but how does one find them in a sea of billions?
Having no-one to share your life with can be incredibly lonely. I hope you can find someone to share your life with in an honest, meaningful way.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I guess I don’t believe in a single soulmate who we are somehow ‘meant to be with’, but I’d like to imagine everyone could find someone who really ‘gets’ them – who sees the world in the same way. But maybe it’s not possible to ever really know another person – perhaps we can only ever see what we want to see in each other, rather than what’s really there. Not that it matters in my case – anyone who sees the world the way I do is likely to be so detestable that I wouldn’t want to be with them.
It would be great wouldn’t it! (to find someone that ‘get’s’ you). That doesn’t appear to be a big ask but it eluded me. Maybe it’s just luck? Maybe a random stranger sparks up a conversation at the bus stop…who knows.
Love is blind so the saying goes. After that wears off, reality sets in and real test begins.
I’m not a big fan of this world/society either so understand what you mean about attracting someone with the same outlook. Opposites attract perhaps?
I guess all you can do is keep trying and hope that one day you’ll strike the jackpot?When it wear you down, take a break from ‘looking’ and see where that takes you.
Hmm, I worry that most relationships are generally based on random circumstantial infatuation, which then gives way to years of petty bickering/painstaking compromise, as both partners fail to understand what’s really driving the other’s behavior.
Still, that thought doesn’t make the perceived need any less strong. Your advice is sound.
Not sure if it’s ‘most’ or ‘some’ r/ships. It’s a chance one takes with any type of r/ship.
I do agree with (from my own experience) that the degeneration within a r/ship can occur at any time no matter what the basis of the r/ship is i.e. perceived soul mate/lust/random meet-up. The duration of the bickering/compromise depends on how long the couple involved are willing to persevere. As someone who doesn’t enjoy conflict, I tend to not hang about.
As I become older, the urge to have a meaningful r/ship with someone is pretty much nil. When younger, the optimism kept me open to finding someone. It is not meant to be for me and I’ve come to terms with it.
It did cause me a fair bit of angst over the years but it feels good to let it go now.
@thehusk
I have read many of your posts – if you would like to talk my email is kat ki @ mail . com
You are positively intriguing, and a master of words. I would like to ask you some questions and tell you some of what has happened to myself over the years – maybe we have similar issues.
But I too, have become consumed by the longing. Its so very tiring and painful.
Hi Katki,
Thanks for reading, and for complimenting my writing style. I’m really not very interesting as a person – I just tend to leave a lot of key information out of my posts, which can seem intriguing. There’s a lot of stuff in my life which I feel deeply ashamed of, and don’t feel able to talk about, even anonymously. So while I always try not to outright lie, I may not be able to answer your questions in a meaningful way.
I looked over a few of your posts using the search function, and it sounds like our circumstances are somewhat different. For a start, it sounds like you’ve actually managed to get some real living in (marriages, kids), while I’ve wasted most of my years avoiding significant life events. So we may be coming from very different places in terms of the experiences that lead us to loneliness. Though I wouldn’t rule out having much in common in the way we think about things.
If you’d still like to ask your questions/share your experiences, you can do that in these comments, and I will try to respond as fully as I can. And if you’d still like to talk more after that maybe we can take it to email.
Hugs.
While its true that I did some living – it was curtailed by some very dark situations involving the men I was with – and I’d rather not go into that in a forum. Let’s just say, they were not who they first seemed to be. I’ve lived many years with depression and anxiety – at times, I’m not quite sure how it is that I am still alive.
The worst part of being here still, is being alone – that is to say – without someone to hold and be held by. Yes, my children fill part of a void – but there is a part of me that chokes away tears nearly every night with the constant hollow feeling I have. I feel here, but not here – sort of semi-existing. I hate it. I hate the hours I have to sit and think. I feel sometimes that I could fill novels with the thoughts running around in my head, but when I try to write, everything becomes jumbled and I have SO much on my mind all those thoughts seem to scream at once and I can’t put anything down in legible form.
If soulmates exist, I have not yet found mine – and I feel like I never will. I’m too ‘beyond repair’ to be considered anything other than broken. Knowing that hurts so damn much – I want to find someone, be there for someone, hold and be held. It just seems so strange that there are so many lonely people that gather, even in a place such as this, and still, after all is said and done, they remain alone.
I guess, your talking about the subject struck a chord in me, and I felt the need to say something to you – reach out I suppose. I won’t push you to reveal your secrets – I know how painful life can be, and I also know that talking doesn’t fix everything. Sometimes, the perspective on a situation that you have faced can be limited though. You see yourself a certain way – and others might as well, but once in awhile, when someone that views the world in their own unique way listens to you – diversity of thought can bring new light where perhaps there was darkness before.
The situations that brought us here might be different, but I believe that our similar suffering creates a connection and I would be amiss if I were to ignore that fact. Hugs back, my friend ~
I understand not wanting to go into the dark stuff.
I think physical closeness is probably a basic human need. It’s certainly something most of us are conditioned to crave. Which makes it hard to know how to cope, if for whatever reason you struggle to find intimacy. You go to sleep wanting someone to love, to be there with you, to bring you that feeling of peace. And you wake up, still feeling this absence, like something essential is missing from the world. I don’t know what you do with that feeling, if there’s no clear solution. It takes me a long time to shake myself out of that state, before I can even start to face another day alone.
I think I know what you mean about being here but not here. I often feel like my life is already over, but my body just hasn’t realized it yet – still going through the motions. During the day I’m constantly trying to avoid thinking about my life: I occupy my mind with endless podcasts, music, and various technological addictions. Unfortunately, sooner or later this wears me out, and eventually nothing can distract me from the truth. I end up lying in bed, as painful memories flash across my brain – how things used to be, where they went wrong, who I used to be – so much regret and sadness.
I’ve written many pages of thoughts and feelings, often repetitive and muddled, but I struggle to combine them into anything that makes the process of living seem any clearer.
I think people have many different reasons for thinking they are ‘beyond repair’, and I often find it hard to really appreciate why others feel that way. It takes a fair bit of drilling down for me to really grasp what a person is struggling with. Although I consider myself broken, and feel beyond repair, because I attribute this to things I’ve done, rather than things done to me, it’s hard to accept in other people. I kind of feel like if you’ve got a consistent moral core (which I haven’t), and a relatively clean conscience (which I don’t), then there’s no reason you shouldn’t be considered salvageable by someone decent who’s willing to make the effort (presuming you can find such a person.) But of course there are other reasons for feeling unable to bond with people, which I have no experience of. It does hurt though – more than any other emotional pain I’ve ever experienced. I’ve spent hours silently howling into my pillow, when the full realization of it has caught up with me.
I absolutely appreciate the desire to reach out – I’ve done so myself on many occasions. I’m rarely left convinced that I made a positive difference, but that may be more down to my pessimism than anything else. I’ve got to figure that I’ve helped at least someone in some small way at some point, and I’m sure you have to.
While I desperately want to view my secrets, and myself, in a different way, both experience and reason tell me that it can’t be done. Not only is it painful to confront, but no matter how understanding and empathetic people have been in the past, they haven’t managed to change my feelings about it. I’ve tried to gather differing views on the issue wherever I can for years, but I’m always led back to the same conclusion. And each time it hurts a little more, as your worst fears about yourself are further confirmed. Sometimes the monkey on your back just can’t be shaken off. All you can do is try to forget it’s there.
How was it that you began putting your thoughts down? Was it your own idea, or were you encouraged to do so by someone else? (Just curious) You really do have a tremendous ‘way with words’ and get your point across so well. I feel a need to put my life on paper at some point, so that someone, anyone, might read and know just what happened to me and why my life was so difficult – I feel very misunderstood by most of those around me. I often think that there must be some point to all of what has happened to me, a meaning or lesson to be learned.
Morality is a funny thing – I normally don’t have too much of an issue – though at times, I seem to lose my way. I believe in God, but I do question my beliefs, and occasionally I find myself in situations that I ought not to have gotten into, ‘knowing better’. Never-the-less at times its like being aboard a runaway train that you know you shouldn’t have climbed on in the first place, and you know its going to wreck, but you can’t bring yourself to jump before its too late – I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m not stupid, but I do stupid things – because I hate being in the state I am I guess?
I relate very much to the tears shed over the realization of being utterly alone. It hurts like hell – no question. I distract myself mainly with video games – I constantly feel like I’m waiting for something to happen – someone to save me? But I don’t believe in that anymore, so I assume it is my own end that I am awaiting.
Your words make me think that you have been in a combat type situation – forgive me if I am wrong AND if I overstep my boundary here. If that is the case, I would tell you that you are not alone in thinking that way. Regardless of what it is you have seen or done (combat or no) it sounds like you speak from a traumatized point of view – and there are new therapies for such issues. I’m not sure if you are aware of Somatic Experiencing – I have links if you want them.
I apologize again – this may not apply to you – but I haven’t met a person yet that has not been affected by trauma in some way.
It would be nice if we could go somewhere for coffee – I would even offer to buy you one. Maybe we would be able to figure some of this stuff out- or at least not be quite so lonely for a time.
I think various therapists over the years probably encouraged me to be more conscious of my thoughts and feelings, and to start to record them. It became a way of trying to assert some control – if you can name your fears and put them in context, they lose a little of their power. It works now and then. But it takes a lot of time and effort, and any peace of mind I cultivate quickly evaporates under contact with real life.
I often post stuff here if putting things down on paper hasn’t helped, although I’m rarely as blunt as when writing to myself. I suppose removing crucial details means I have to edit a lot, to try and convey a clearer sense of what I’m experiencing.
It might be good if you could find some way to get it all down, even if no one else reads it. It could give you greater understanding, or bring you a little peace, if you can put your life in context. I get wanting to be understood by those around you, though even if you do get it all down on paper, there’s no guarantee it’ll really be appreciated, if those reading it are coming from a different mindset.
I suppose there’s lessons to be learned from the lives of every person, though we tend to focus on just a few. But if you think there’s something important in your experiences that you need to relate, then it sounds like a significant thing to work on.
I think the vast majority of people ‘lose their way’ from time to time, though believers tend to hold themselves to different standards (some can spend lifetimes beating themselves up for the smallest transgressions). Self-destructive behavior is remarkably common, but I guess the tricky part is how that impacts on others. Speaking from the position of one irretrievably lost, I’d always be inclined to give that kind of thing a free pass, but my views may be somewhat skewed.
I don’t believe in God in a rational sense, though I do fear judgement for the way I’ve lived my life. I’m too doubtful of my own rationality not to. I find it hard to believe in a creator who really cares about the lived experience of the beings on this planet. It seems like things would be so different if that were the case.
I’m not saying I know there’s no God – just that I can’t understand why we should believe that they’re loving, rather than apathetic, or juvenile. Why would a being more powerful than us necessarily be more caring than us, when huge amounts of suffering seem to be integral to their creation?
But a part of me does still want to believe that there’s something more meaningful than the world I perceive.
Anyway, my absence of belief is no excuse for my lack of a moral core. Plenty of atheists have very strong moral compasses. For whatever reason, with me the needle frequently goes haywire.
Video games are a big time sink for me too, though it takes a lot to keep me invested, and they use up a lot energy. They can be very absorbing, but I often hit a point where it suddenly feels incredibly meaningless, and I realize I’ve invested a ton of attention, thought, and even emotion in something that bears zero relation to my real life. And that leaves me feeling pretty hollow.
I think maybe I know what you mean about waiting for someone to save you. When I’m feeling particularly desperate my mind reaches for any scenario where things are somehow magically resolved. I’ll meet someone and it’ll all fall into place, and all the issues that I thought were unresolvable won’t matter. Or, if my mind can’t get there, I imagine the peace of death. Even though I don’t rationally believe that there is any experience after dying, so no peace can be felt. My mind will search for any resolution to what seems intolerable, however illogical, because it so desperately wants to square that circle.
It’ll sound naive, and disrespectful to those who have experienced that, but a part of me wishes it was something like combat. At least then I would have a somewhat relatable reason for being the way I am. The truth is, I did this to myself. While I wouldn’t rule out the effects of trauma entirely, my life circumstances have actually been remarkably sheltered.
For some reason the minor things that most people shrug off had a much greater impact on me – I became hyper-sensitive and lacked the resilience shown by those around me. The things I’ve chosen to do since have undoubtedly left a mark, though I don’t know if trauma is the best description.
I feel like that kind of therapy might be helpful in terms of the intense social anxiety that I’ve experienced for most of my life, which is a very physical thing. But I’m not sure it could really address the reasons I have for the way I view myself, and feel unable to connect to others. That’s more related to rational perception than the triggered/learned reactions often resulting from trauma.
I wouldn’t be averse to getting a coffee (although I don’t think I’d be any more likely to open up.) I’ve done so in the past with a few people I met on a self-help course. Don’t think we ever solved any of our problems, but it feels good to focus on someone else’s for a while.
Unfortunately, I live in a rather remote part of the UK. Presuming you’re stateside, like most here?
I’m not entirely sure why I want to write it down, catharsis? the hope that someone will avoid the mistakes I’ve made? I don’t know for sure, but I’m drawn to it – Its just so hard, but like you said, maybe I should, just to get it out – Every time I start, I try to write as though someone else is reading it – and so I want to do things correctly – grammar etc… but maybe if I forgo the ‘reader’s point of view’ idea, it would help… let go of the ‘this could be a book someday’ premise and just write it down. Sometimes I wish I could just have someone in the same room that would do the writing for me, so that I could say what I need to, not be judged for it all, and then be able to go back and read what it was I felt needed to be said.
I very much relate to what you say about being judged for the way you’ve lived your life. And I am one of those people you spoke of – the ones that ‘beat themselves up’ over small transgressions. But as long as I can remember, I’ve felt an inordinate amount of guilt – sometimes for things I have done, sometimes for things that others have done – its the strangest thing, and something I’ve never been able to figure out about the way I think.
As part of the therapy I sought most recently I asked the therapist ‘why does God take people we love from us’ or something along those lines – She told me something that I’d never heard before .. In the Bible, we are told that Satan has come to kill, steal and destroy – it is not God that causes the suffering or that ‘takes’ our loved ones- that is the work of the evil one, as is all of that suffering. I do not understand the mystery of God or His divine nature, and so I cannot begin to fathom why He doesn’t put a stop to it – but the Bible also says that the day is coming when He WILL end all that suffering for all of eternity – I just thought you might be interested to hear that…
When I read the paragraph you wrote about waiting for someone to save me – I teared up – you said exactly what I think every time – even to the point of imagining the peace of death – a time when it will just be over and done with ..
I do not agree that it sounds disrespectful – your mind, just like mine, tries to put things into a context where the reasons behind how you think or feel have a sensible cause – it makes perfect sense that your brain wishes it could rationalize the ‘irrationizable’… and while some of what I have personally been through makes the way I think and feel, make sense – it doesn’t explain everything. Believe it or not, every negative thing we experience causes trauma – its just that some people are able to get through those experiences ‘normally’ while others become frozen – the ‘deer in the headlights’ scenario so to speak. Nobody can blame another soul for the way they react to any situation. We are genetically coded to respond the way we do – and sometimes, for whatever reason, we get stuck. Now there is beginning to be ways of helping those of us that are ‘stuck’ thinking and feeling one way. Its quite remarkable actually.
While I’m not in the US, I am in Canada, so still quite far from you unfortunately. A coffee would be very nice – and I was thinking, while you focused on my problems, and I focused on yours – another thing would be happening – we’d be connecting – like we are right now. And that really would be welcome.
Yes, I would start by trying to make clear for yourself what your most important thoughts and experiences are, in a way that makes sense to you. Don’t worry about grammar, repetition, anything like that. Just try to put into words what feels important. Maybe try breaking each different strand of emotion or experience down into a separate bullet point if that helps untangle it. Only start to think about how it all sounds once you’ve progressed past that first step.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the years trying to think of some way to express my thoughts through a novel or something, but I think until you’re clear on what it is that you want to say, you’ll never get past the first page. Unless you happen to be a very talented storyteller who somehow manages to subconsciously weave your own experiences into a novel, I think you need to know what it is you want to communicate before you can even think about how to do that. Sounds like you want a therapist who does creative writing on the side 🙂
I always want to tell everyone to let the small stuff go. It’s not until you’ve done something truly shameful that you realize how trivial and benign everything else is, even when you’ve inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings. I think my general maxim would be: ‘unless it’s something that you’d be too ashamed to tell someone who loved you if your life and happiness depended on it, then it doesn’t define you.’ But I suppose it depends on the standards you expect to be held to by those who might judge you.
I had a lot of guilt even before I had any justifiable reason to – I guess some people are just more susceptible to it than others.
The idea of Satan always confused me. On the one hand he’s described as part of God’s creation (a ‘fallen angel’), yet on the other he’s somehow beyond God’s control, and has the power to destroy that creation & thwart God’s will. Some people seem to portray him as testing and punishing mankind on behalf of God, others as locked in a war with God.
I suppose it’s possible that the world is the way it is because some kind of corruption screwed up the original plan. But that rather suggests that God isn’t nearly as all-seeing and all-powerful as is often implied. Maybe at some point he’ll find some way to fix the error – I just can’t help wondering why it’s taken him hundreds of millions of years of animals suffering and dying, and hundreds of thousands of years of humans doing the same. Still, I genuinely hope the day that ends comes soon.
Have you found such treatments helpful in dealing with your own experiences?
Hmmm, that would be one expensive cup of coffee 🙂 I always imagine Canada as being like the U.S., only colder and with significantly less crazy. But that’s probably quite offensive to both nations.
May I ask how old you are? You may have said previously, but I’ve forgotten if that’s the case. It doesn’t matter, I am just curious how long you’ve been carrying around your burdens… I am 51 now – suffered major depression and anxiety since I was about 15 years old. I feel like I’ve been through hell, yet I’m still here. I’m not entirely sure why – I attempted once, but they found me and I was hospitalized. I started cutting when I was 15, and through various difficulties. I don’t cut continually anymore, and the last time I did was a couple of years ago.
I do not pretend to know all the answers about God, life or anything else for that matter – but I do believe…I have to – because I can’t bear another moment of this life, if I don’t believe in something better beyond it.
Forgive this short post but desperation is running high tonight – I feel a gut wrenching loneliness tonight and its bad.
I’m just so tired of being alone – it actually physically hurts.
I’m about to turn 30. I don’t mention my age much, as it’s one of the smaller things I’m ashamed of – how few of the normal life milestones I’ve reached at this point. I’ve effectively been in stasis for the last 10 years, when I dropped out of college with crippling anxiety. Even before that I was very socially immature, and increasingly isolated myself.
Soon after dropping out I started doing the things that led me to this place. I soon realized what I had done, but by then it was too late, and I wasn’t strong enough to stop myself going back again and again. It’s then I became truly depressed, as I realized who and what I was. I spent most of the next seven years trying to numb myself to that realization.
My depression reached a new level about two and a half years ago, as it started to dawn on me that there was no going back. I was never going to be the person I’d thought myself to be, or live the life I’d imagined. I was never going to have a normal life. This was my life now. That’s when I began to seriously contemplate suicide.
I’ve had social anxiety problems since the age of 9, when we moved across the country. It’s only gotten more pervasive over the years. Growing up I was always able to escape it at home, but when I reached college it became constant. Now the unresolvable issues in my life mean anxiety is always there, under the surface.
I’ve never cut or made an attempt. I’m not impulsive in that way, and generally extremely cautious. Everything with me always has to be thought through to the nth degree. From time to time I’ve found myself standing at the edge of a cliff looking down, or with a knife in hand staring at the veins in my wrists, or thinking about stepping out into oncoming traffic. But the urge is never strong enough, and I don’t know if it ever will be. I hope that if I do ever make an attempt, it’ll be because I’m rationally convinced that it’s the best decision, rather than that I’m so desperate that it overwhelms my fears.
I absolutely understand believing in something because you need to. I wish I was more capable of that – I used to be. When I lost my way, I think I lost the ability to accept anything comforting without constantly questioning it. I found that the faith I’d had in myself and the world was utterly misplaced, and I desperately scrabbled around for something to fill that void. But nothing really satisfied anymore. My ability to accept a belief because it was helpful was gone.
Don’t ever feel that you need to respond. I only write so much because for me it sometimes helps keep such desperation at a distance. I know it hurts though. No one ever prepares us to be so alone.
Moving was how my own anxiety issues began. My father was in the Navy – and such is the life of a military family- but I did not deal with that well. Many different schools, NOT as many friends, the older I became, the more difficult it was for me to make friends, and I really don’t think I ever properly learned ‘how’ to, if there is a proper way. I suffered my first real bout of anxiety when I was 10 – I had to be medicated… I actually forgot about that until just now – the doctor called it a ‘nervous stomach’ and gave me some medicine for it – I imagine it was a mild anti-anxiety medication. It helped at the time, but things became progressively worse, as the moving and the losing of friends continued until I was about 16 years old. By then, as I mentioned, I’d had my first cutting experience and my parents knew about it. It was definitely a cry for help.
Anxiety is something I am all too familiar with, I understand how debilitating and horrible it is – I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy – I am sorry that you suffer from it.
Honestly – I hope you never reach the conclusion that suicide is the best way, or worse that that – the only way.. Somehow, some time, I hope you find a way to get beyond what it is that has you so mired beneath. My hope for you is that you can rise above it all. I know you do not feel that you ever will.. but imagine with me for a little – how it would feel to escape all this fear and self hatred, escape the sorrow and the pain. I will pray for you every night – for both of us to be able to do just that – that somehow each of us will find a way. There MUST be a way? But if it continues to elude us, its okay, because maybe the peace will come to us in the searching itself – maybe? I pray this is so… My heart hurts for you, and its still full of pain tonight. Once again, I’ll go to bed with my eyes full of tears, not knowing how I can get through one more minute, and I’ll fall to sleep. Tomorrow I’ll wake up again, and try to find the answer again, I’ll go to my daughter’s wedding on the weekend, and I’ll smile and probably cry, because that’s what Mothers do at weddings, and some of the tears will be for how I miss my daughter as a wee young thing, but some will be for the fact that I couldn’t mother her the way she deserved to be, because I’ve been too sad for too long.
And I’ll come back and talk to you more after the wedding. And we can continue to try to carry on as best we can. Know this, that you have a friend, on another continent hoping that you rise above your pain and sorrow, and that you can find happiness and peace. I will be here praying for you to the God I believe in for His love to carry you through, to be better, to be free and to find peace. Thank you for talking to me, it has eased the intense loneliness that I feel – I hope you have a good weekend. I will be back.
It sounds like you had it much harder than I did. I only moved once as a child, though that was seemingly enough to destroy my confidence.
I identify with feeling like you never ‘learned’ to make friends though. Before the move, I always felt like I had plenty of friends. I never really questioned whether anyone liked me. But most of those friendships were generated by convenience – they were generally the children of people my parents were friendly with, rather than kids I’d really made the effort to befriend. They left us together because it gave them a chance to do other stuff.
But leaving all that behind, in a different area where they knew no one, I just felt lost. I didn’t know how to adapt to the new circumstances. I felt like an alien. And I don’t think I ever really learned how to make lasting friendships on my own, though I made some efforts to fit in.
Feeling so out of my depth was just too scary for me to deal with, and I started to withdraw into myself. Every morning before school I got that same ‘nervous stomach’. It got ever more pervasive over the years (now I get it every time I leave the house, and a lesser version even at home.)
As I got older, most of those I spent time with were again ‘friendships of convenience’ – kids drawn together for mutual safety because we were all unpopular, rather than having much in common, or actually liking one another. And by the final 2 years of school even they had mostly dropped out or gone elsewhere. Rather than make the effort to form new friendships with the kids I’d spent the previous 5 years fearing and resenting, I just completely withdrew. While everyone else was partying, growing as people and enjoying their youth, I opted out. I couldn’t face the idea of spending my free time with those who I felt so anxious around during the day. In my final year I even skipped school for months at a time. I went from a straight A student to nearly getting kicked out. I just couldn’t face it anymore.
I kind of wish that there’d been some intervention before I’d become so set in my ways. But I’m not sure there’s anything that my parents could’ve done. They were dealing with a lot of their own pressures. It was a close-minded, rural community, and there was less help for or understanding of anxiety back then. By the time my mother bought up the idea of counselling when I was 15, it was so overwhelming that I couldn’t face talking about it. Still, part of me wishes they’d somehow forced me to confront it, before it was too late.
I don’t think there’s any way beyond my deeper issues, but thank you for your kind thoughts. It’s something I can choose to keep carrying, or not. A lot of the time it feels meaningless, and obviously lonely. But I’m still here, for whatever reason. Mostly, I live in denial of it, with varying success. It’s only rarely that the full force of the truth hits me. The rest of the time I can distance myself a little. Sometimes I can go days without a reminder of why I hate myself. It’s not freedom, or really living, but it’s tolerable (except at night.)
I don’t deserve your prayers, but I appreciate them. Don’t feel bad for me though. The state I’m in is the logical consequence of the terrible choices that I’ve made, which themselves sprung from weaknesses in my character. I can trace back some of the events that exacerbated those weaknesses, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re there, and may have been all along. I made my bed, and now I’m lying in it. There are plenty suffering far worse through no fault of their own. Believe me, I’ve earned every ounce of fear and self-hatred.
I hope you enjoyed your daughters wedding, and can find at least some comfort in the fact that you played an essential part in the life of someone who is now apparently living fully. However much you may feel you screwed it up, if it wasn’t for you, she wouldn’t be here, living that life. That’s something good that you brought into this world.
I am back – the wedding was really – truly lovely.
I cried, like I said I would – but it was nice to see her so happy.
Whether you feel you deserve prayers or not, you have them.
Do you think you might want to move this conversation to emails? We don’t have to – I could be more open if we do- but I understand you wanting to keep your distance too. its up to you.
We’ve all made terrible choices – myself included. And you’re right about the fact that I do not know what you have done. But, everyone can be forgiven – that’s what God teaches – and if He can forgive, then who am I, or anyone else – including you, to judge. I know that its easier said than done too. Been on the side of self loathing for many years .. and then after getting some clarity – I realized that not every fucked up thing I’ve done was entirely my own fault. Even if it was – God forgives me. I got so tired of living in a prison of my own creation – so I walked outside of the bars instead – my perspective did change – I am still utterly lonely and alone – but I don’t hate me any more – I’m just very, very sad. Its funny how things can change that way- I just really need someone that I can talk to freely without fear of reproach – ears that hear and genuinely care – but that don’t judge. If you want the same in return, then tell me where I can email you. 🙂 I . DO. CARE.
I would like to be your friend – and know to call you by a name other than ‘thehusk’ – because in my small amount of talking to you -I know there is more than a husk that speaks with me, and though you have many issues – we are quite alike in some ways. But – this is the last time I will ask. If you do not want to – then that’s okay -I respect your right to privacy and your desire to be left alone. Just know that I care. And I am here for you if you ever want to talk about anything at all. I’m too tired to be alone anymore – I just want someone- anyone – to give a damn…