August 17th, 2017 by thehusk

I feel so incredibly lonely. I’m tired of being completely isolated in my experience of life. I just want one person who understands. Who sees the world as I do. One person who really sees me, and accepts me. One person who cares for me as I truly am, rather than the acceptable facade I present. I need a soulmate.

But soulmates probably don’t exist. And even if they did, there wouldn’t be one for me. The truth is I deserve to be alone. I don’t deserve to be accepted. What I’ve done, what I am, is unacceptable. It’s beyond the pale, for good reason. I shouldn’t be around people. I should be locked up, or dead. Anyone who really understood, who saw the world in the same fucked up way as me, would be just as repulsive as I am. And they’d hate themselves (and me) as much as I hate myself. You can’t expect others to love and accept you unless you can love and accept yourself. And there are things about me that are simply unacceptable.

But knowing that doesn’t stop the longing. It consumes me. I can’t help but be driven by it, even though I see no way forward. There’s nothing to be done, but I have to do something. Any relationship I enter into is inherently deceitful and exploitative. I can’t see how it could work out well for anyone. Even supposing I can fake normalcy for long enough to deceive someone into getting involved with me.

But I can’t stop myself from trying, however hopeless and unfair it might be. Some emotional needs are just too integral to be denied for so long. The rational understanding that there’s no hope isn’t enough to suppress it.

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