I’m sure we all have lied in our life but have you ever lived a lie so large that no positive actions or words can fix the hole you have dug. I this is not on the whim decision that oh poor me I am in a bind so ill just die. Its been going on for 20 years an this is not getting any better. This last lie I just need to get off my chest. I have spent all my FASFA, Loans, Checking, and Savings on Gambling and Alcohol. Over 10 grand and I have nothing left. No one in my life, I am failing College, have no job left. I have sold everything for my addiction. I’ve had treatments I have had rehabs I went to boarding school. I tried it all. I cant kick it. Nor do I want to kick it. My future is slim and I just have past the point where I “don’t want to die but I don’t want to live” I am at the point where i DO want to die. The lie is that the only person in my life my father is still helping me with a place to live and providing help because he thinks I work at the college and make strait A’s. I am sick of going back to homeless shelters and I don’t want to live behind a dumpster again. I have lived this lie for a long time and i’m just tired. I’m over it. Sure I had a girlfriend that was amazing who left me with nothing as well almost a year ago and I cant get past that. I know she was the best I will ever do. I feel like I have reached my peak and I am ready. I just wanted to post this to get this off my chest.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
4 comments
I’m also living a lie, my parents also think I’m still in college, but I’m just trying to spend my last days in peace.
Your situation sounds so much worse than mine, though. I’m so sorry and I really hope things get better for you.
Please be kind and loving to your father—you never know how long your will have him.
I don’t have any loans, fafsa, etc but I used to get an allowance I spend all on alcohol cigarettes and weed. I don’t see a better way to spend my time. Like you, my parents home me but not because I want to live with them, there is literally nothing less enjoyable than being brain-rotted by them, (hence why I used to spend all my time away from home smoking weed and drinking beer) but because of some retarded a-hole that I don’t even know, I am on probation. I have to pee in a cup weekly 13/test $58/month, have $4000 in court costs. I can’t pay any of it, I had nothing my entire life.75$ a month probation. If they didn’t want me around they didn’t need to steal more money from my parents they could have just told me to stop having fun and kill myself already. Been planning to since 12.5 years old but I slightly enjoyed my time with alcohol and drugs so I didn’t kill my self yet. Not like I wasn’t planning to kill myself while doing drugs. Tried looking for heroin to overdose, traded my Xbox one and a 100$ backpack for a shotgun (cheapest make in the world- only trade I could get offered), tried to buy a cheap chainsaw to saw off my head until I realized it wasn’t wireless. Bought an oil tank at Walmart so I could set myself on fire. I would prefer living behind a dumpster so long as the freaks in my town didn’t give me hell. As soon as my probation ends I am going to start walking and will probably walk from north-west America to mid-east America. Feel like I am bound to my parents because they pay my health insurance and my court costs. They tell me “YOU WILL GO TO JAIL IF YOU DONT PAY THEM” I don’t even want health insurance. I have never gone to a health specialist for a real problem I have. Only when forced to by fucking Faggots to be locked up and force fed meds that I try to refuse. I have never been treated for a real disease I have. Am never allowed to go for a real condition, only when they feel like locking me up. I might just kill myself this week if I can get my homemade gun to work. I’m not going to a shelter either. Tried to go to a shelter they sent me to a mental hospital instead. Uhhhh most traumatic thing of my life. Moral of the story is I’d rather kill myself then live with these people. Mental Hospitals are the most fraudulent companies.. they do NOTHING for the patients but take everything they have.
Thats the thing, i feel like I am a waiste of time energy and money to my father he doesnt deserve this and thoughout my whole life i have been a finacial drain to him and just the cause of all his stress. I feel It would benifit him greatly if i were out of the picture. My mother died of cancer and was a huge stress and finacial drain on him. I feel the same way. He deserves better than me. I was adopted so im not his blood son.