So close to death, unfortunately not that close.

Im back with the suicidal toughts. I had the best boyfriend I could ever had, he is the happiest person ever so it was hard for him to deal with my depressions but he tried so hard everyday. This last week we were on holidays in Barcelona and we were in the exact place of the terrorist attack. It could have been me, I could have died, finally. But no, instead, like always, a bunch of people who probably love life die. That night I got drunk with the spanish wine and my boyfriend and I had a fight. It got really bad and he hit me on the face. I cried so hard and then wishing that terrorist van would have run over me. I wanted to die so bad. He asked sorry but he said he couldnt take my mood changes and depressions anymore so we broke up, we still had 3 days more in Spain. On the third day he acted like he wanted me back the entire day JUST to have sex with me. After we did it he completely ignored me again. I never felt so used in my life. On the way back I prayed so hard that the airplane would crash and only kill me. Funny how the first the pilot said “Im happy to announce that this is a brand new aircraft so we are super safe”. Kill me please. Anyways, here I am crying in my room eating chocolate, just texted my ex begging to try it again. Im so pathetic, I just have the feel that I need him, because Im alone in this country. and I have just like one friend so theres no one else to support me here, we used to do everything together and god Im so dependant on relationships. I wish I wouldnt be like these.

Im hopeless