Still here….

  August 12th, 2017 by ladolcemorte

On Wednesday I was in the process of getting everything ready to execute my plan.  I was going to do it…100 percent committed….

Then, my dearest friend (my “second dad”) called, and I answered.  He could hear in my voice that something was off, and he figured it out and asked directly whether I was going to kill myself.  I paused, and he said “you are, aren’t you?”.  Then I had a bit of a breakdown with him over the phone.   He was about to call the police, but ended up calling another friend who took me to the hospital.

Thankfully I was only there two nights.  Somehow it was enough time and space to get to the point where I am now willing to give this whole “staying alive” thing one more shot.

It’s odd because part of why I was so ready to enact my plan is the fact that the better part of my adult life has consisted of merely “surviving” one suicidal crisis after another.   Getting through just one more day, sometimes just one more hour. It is bare survival, not actual living.  It is exhausting, and I can’t help but wonder: if I keep coming back to suicide time and time again, after trying various things to make life more tolerable, doesn’t that mean that suicide really is right for me?

On the other hand, since I’ve been through this so many times (seriously–if I am forced to fill out another damn “safety plan” worksheet, my head is going to explode), what’s the harm in hanging on just a little longer?  I’m also wondering if the fact that I answered the phone when it rang suggests that I wasn’t 100 percent committed to the plan after all….maybe a small part of me was hoping it would be a rescue call….

I figured the pragmatic thing to do is err on the side of caution and give things one more try.  I seem to have   a few friends who think there is value to my life.  I don’t see it.  At all.  I really don’t.  But maybe if I hang on a little longer I will.  So I am summoning the last scintilla of resilience that I have left, and I’m going to try to move forward.

I’m not terribly optimistic that it is going to work.  (My life is a mess). The day may come when I do need to execute my plan, but that day is not today…

I’m going to get some sleep tonight, and tomorrow I will dive into the shipwreck that is my life and see what, if anything, can be salvaged at this point…







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