What Am I Doing Here?

  August 3rd, 2017 by thehusk

I need something more. I need a reason to live, rather than just reasons not to kill myself. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life in this self-imposed limbo. I don’t think that’ll work for another 10. Even if it’s possible, I don’t want it.

Fear and doubt aren’t enough. My survival instinct isn’t enough. Aversion to causing pain to my family isn’t enough. If I’m ever going to move on, I need something more. Otherwise I’m just going to keep getting dragged back here.

I need to figure out some way to live with all the regret, self-hatred, longing, shame, anger, resentment, despair, anxiety, fear, isolation, loneliness, & guilt. I need to work out something to live for. Some reason that it’s worth seeing this thing through to the end, rather than cutting it short.

Right now I’m drawing a blank. I can’t see myself ever being able to function normally socially. Or finding anyone I can even begin to open up to. Or being comfortable enough with people to actually enjoy an experience.

I can’t see myself being able to contribute anything significant or worthwhile to the world. At best it seems like a case of limiting the negative impact I have on it. The future looks pretty bleak right now, and I don’t think there’s much I can do about that.

Still, I’ve got to figure out something. Because this – what I am right now – it isn’t enough. I need to know what I’m doing here.

 

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