I need something more. I need a reason to live, rather than just reasons not to kill myself. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life in this self-imposed limbo. I don’t think that’ll work for another 10. Even if it’s possible, I don’t want it.
Fear and doubt aren’t enough. My survival instinct isn’t enough. Aversion to causing pain to my family isn’t enough. If I’m ever going to move on, I need something more. Otherwise I’m just going to keep getting dragged back here.
I need to figure out some way to live with all the regret, self-hatred, longing, shame, anger, resentment, despair, anxiety, fear, isolation, loneliness, & guilt. I need to work out something to live for. Some reason that it’s worth seeing this thing through to the end, rather than cutting it short.
Right now I’m drawing a blank. I can’t see myself ever being able to function normally socially. Or finding anyone I can even begin to open up to. Or being comfortable enough with people to actually enjoy an experience.
I can’t see myself being able to contribute anything significant or worthwhile to the world. At best it seems like a case of limiting the negative impact I have on it. The future looks pretty bleak right now, and I don’t think there’s much I can do about that.
Still, I’ve got to figure out something. Because this – what I am right now – it isn’t enough. I need to know what I’m doing here.
3 comments
Here’s some advice that you won’t take.
Pretend to be confident. Fake a smile(practice in the mirror, get the crow’s feet going so it looks real), talk to someone, tell jokes and laugh at them even if they don’t laugh. Once you find out what they do laugh at, you’ll get the hang of it.
I just finished good process online by Dr. Jordan Peterson Ph.D called Self Authoring. Check it out. It’s pretty intense. The websites address is exactly that minus the space. selfauthoring.
Are you allowed to put links these days?
I’m exactly where you are/were. F*** regrets, the only thing regrets taught me is to not do it again and to do better next time. F*** self-hatred, what I realized was I’m human and I have flaws just like everyone else, we’re not characters from some fiction, the only control I have is getting to know my flaws and if it’s fixable, I will fix it, and if it’s not, find the positive aspect of it. F*** the shame, anger, and resentment; we don’t have control over other people and it’s not our fault but in the laws of balance, there is cause and effect and understanding that people who hurt us are just as human as we are doesn’t mean we can easily forgive them but know that holding onto anger and resentment will only hurt us more, not them, that’s partly self-sabotage and that’s the hardest to move on from because it takes time to fade those memories out. In the meantime, distract yourself from thinking about the past with positive things because thinking about the past will only keep bringing those horrible feelings back. Realize you can’t change the past and focus on NOW and what you can do to prevent more regrets. F*** despair, anxiety, and fear, that’s part of life and it’ll keep coming back so we have to face it with questioning why we feel it. F*** isolation and loneliness, only when I realized I was born alone and will die alone, I learned that I have only myself from beginning to end so I worked on the relationship I have with myself; other people are just extras, while my relationship with myself is one that’ll last a lifetime. F*** guilt, If you really feel sorry for something, acknowledge it and vow to never do it again and promise yourself to make it up by doing better. What’s done is done, what you have left is what you can do next. So the big question for the both of us is.. what’s next? We have to work on ourselves first, do some soul searching and getting to know and accept/love ourselves before we can move on and deal with others.