I feel so confused. It’s been some years since I first thought about suicide. At first it was only occasionally, but then this thought became stronger and stronger. A couple of weeks ago I decided to turn all this into reality. I’ve started writing a plan on my notebook: I’ve already decided how and when to commit suicide and I’m convinced of what I’m going to do.
What scares me the most, however, is the fact that I’m happy to be sad… Today, for example, my father told me that today was going to be a good day (after having seen me crying last night), and I mentally replied that I didn’t want this to be a good day, because I really want to feel worse, so that I won’t have the temptation to give up on my plan.
Does this make me fake? I have read that people who are depressed actually hope to get better and aren’t happy with their situation. So why am I? It’s like I know that committing suicide is the right thing for me to do (because I’ve lost interest in my life, because I have no real friends, because I feel I’m not able to live ‘correctly’…), but I don’t feel desperate enough to be sure I’ll do it, and so I kind of force myself to be sad.
I just hope this doesn’t mean that, deep down, I don’t actually want to die, because I need to. It’s just so complicated, as usual.
(sorry if I made any mistakes, I’m not from England)
3 comments
I think it definitely means you’re uncertain.
That’s OK.
Maybe it means that you somewhere still believe you can change the things that make you “need” to die. But you’re set on this course and it’s part habit now and you’re used to it.
Plans can be postponed until and if you are completely certain on all levels.
I can relate to not wanting to feel better. When I first relapsed all I wanted to do was feel better and now I don’t even care because of what you described, I don’t want to give up on my plan. Part of it also comes from me wanting my family and friends to see how much pain I’m in so when it comes time for me to go maybe they will say “she was struggling, she’s at peace now” rather than think of it being a selfish act. I don’t know that’s just how I look at it.
Your story made it possible for me to put an idea in writing that has eluded my words till now. I fear that if all my depression were to be lifted permanently that I would be unable to exit even if horrific trouble came my way.