Why do I feel like this?

I have made many posts on this forum about getting a “side order of cancer”, or something very similar to that. People on here rarely ever can relate to wishing for death in such a way. They always respond in complete outrage that a person would actually plead for a terminal illness that would kill them, something capable of killing a semi-healthy adult facing a long extensive and endless cycle of pain, in a swift yet guilt free manner.

For me living has been so painful. Life itself is something that I can’t keep up with. I know that I will never be able to keep up, I know that I will never be able to maintain. I know that no matter how hard I try, or whatever approach I take to life; I know it’s all a wasted effort. I damaged myself, the damage is obvious to others. People treat me differently than they would treat someone they see as an equal, or someone they would consider a peer.

Having a terminal illness would relieve this pain. Terminal illness has multiple mechanical functions that override the natural misery of my life. First off it would give me a reason to live for the little amount of time I would have left where I had the physical ability to do so. Secondly, I would be able to die, I would have a guilt free exit that didn’t tarnish my actual death. Suicide is something families try to hide in obituaries, suicide is full of shame. Suicide fills an entire family unit with questions of why, and causes them to ask themselves what they could’ve done to change the progression of their loved one’s life. All of that negative bullshit just dissipates with terminal illness. Third and lastly, I would actually get to tell everyone goodbye. I would be able to abolish the idea of trying to cover it all in some stupid note. A note that ultimately never says enough or the right thing.

Anyway, I started this response to tell you I know how you feel. I’ve been wishing for something swift and inescapable to kill me for 10 years. I am sure if you wander through all of my posts that you will find at least 3 of them very similar to yours here. I stopped by to emphasize that people here never really understand the wish for something like terminal illness. Either they’ve had a relative die to something inescapable, or they themselves are struggling with a terminal illness. I guess no matter which way you cut it no one is going to actively support your wish for a terminal illness, but ironically enough the idea of suicide without the act, wishing for a terminal illness, is something that isn’t broadly supported here.

I feels you bro.