I tried to tell someone yesterday. They wouldn’t have hated me. They already know I’m like this. They would’ve understood and they would’ve helped. This isn’t on them, though. This is on me. This is my problem. This is my fault. They have their own problems and they don’t need my needy bullshit shoved onto them. I hate the thought of making them miserable with my problems. I can’t do it anymore.
I feel like I’m just fucking ruining everything. They’d hate me if I told them now and I would hate me, too. Nobody likes a liar, not even an undesirable like myself. I’m such a hypocrite about that shit, too. I expect the truth all the time, but I can’t remember the last time I told someone the whole truth.
I’m slowly losing my grasp on reality, more than in my years of delusional nihilism. I feel like nothing again. I feel like I’ve gotten a quarter of the way through the expected lifetime and haven’t done one damned thing to show for it. I’m still such a fucking baby. I’m still out of control. I’m still without any achievements.
I am shit. I am absolute fucking shit. I am falling apart and I have nowhere left to turn.
“How anyone lie to me! Sure, I might lie everytime a word leaves my mouth, but god forbid you do what I do! God forbid you be human, too!”
“Oh, look at me, pity me! Tell me I’m special and there’s something to live for and that everything will be all right or else I’ll kill myself! Boohoo!”
Don’t bother with me anymore. I’m sorry.
13 comments
Im sorry to hear youre at war with yourself. You should just tell the person, get all the lies of your chest, no matter how bad it is. If u 2 happen to be friends, there should be no judgement
I’ve read many of your posts. Dude, you really need to take a breath. Or two. Give yourself a break.
PIML: Feeling any better?
Little…thanks for asking. Tying myself in knots.
Do you want to talk?
That is really nice. I’d take you up on it, but I’m going to bed…I’ll take a raincheck…unless, lol, you’re talking to AKid and not me. 🙂
And you are more than worth “bothering with”. You seem pretty cool…just really, really down on yourself.
Everybody thinks I’m a whiny little *****, so I relate to this. I’m office myself in a year though.
In your case, do not allow the opinions of others to blinds your self image. Duck those assholes XD they’re probably say stupid little shits in worse situations than yourself.
To be clear, my problems are not the fault of anyone. I have developed them and made them worse. Then, I used to complain and complain and complain, and it used to be all I did. I’d just complain about how everything is everyone’s fault except my own. That was an awfully wicked thing for me to do. Now, I still complain. I haven’t learned a damn thing. That much is entirely my fault. This is all entirely my fault.
Everything I’ve realized about myself is because I analyzed myself and understood just how shitty I am. I don’t have an outside “oppressor” to blame the source of these thoughts on. I am the oppressor. The only way to get rid of my problem is to get rid of myself.
Hey, AKid…how are you doing today?
I’m doing about as good as a deluded, suicidal fuck can manage. Yourself?
Better than you’re doing, I think.
Let’s try to look at the positives here. You are taking ownership for your past mistakes. You have a good handle on who you are. You seem to be really good at self-analysis. You are further ahead in the game than a lot of people much older than you are. That’s half the battle.
Change is the other 80% of the fight. Because we naturally resist change. Resistance is a nasty, malevolent, manipulative mutherfuker that will use every weakness you have against you. (Read “The War of Art”…it’s a short read, you might get something out of it…)
Change is something you’ll gain by the inch, fall down, go backwards sometimes. You need to learn patience with yourself. It’ll be hard AF. But as long as you’re pushing in the right direction you’ll be ok.
You? The problem? No. You have way too much life left to live.
Make any sense?
We all make mistakes. A great number of us tend to avoid dealing with the issues we create at first. Until they become something nearly out of control that can’t be ignored any longer. And instead of accepting our part in it we try to shift the blame and reason it another direction. It makes sense. I’ve done it. I’d say most everyone has whether just once for something small or many times with the bigger things. It’s normal my friend. As PhotograghyIsMyLife was saying change or correcting whatever the problem is can take time. But it can be changed or corrected. People are here if not around you or both even to help you through it if you need. I was serious about taking my life before. I didn’t as obviously I am still here. That struggle has ever fully gone away for me. Though I don’t regret staying and trying. I made a friend on this site a long time ago as well while going through it all. Several actually. But one in particular that was also serious about taking her life. She did. I was with her. Saddened me greatly and still does today. I understood her pains and her feelings. I wish I could have found a way to help her see through it. Taking your life isn’t the only fix. If you need someone to talk to or whatever I’m here as many others are. From one deluded suicidal fuck to another, People listen, and people can understand, and people can help if you let them. Not everything has to be done alone.