An internet search on the phrase, “I’m so stupid”, landed me here tonight.
I’m not sure if its fate or not; but it’s ironic that I’m here, as I’ve been having somewhat of a breakdown since yesterday.
I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was much younger, but I could never muster up the courage to act on them. I wanted to believe I’d outgrown them, even though the feelings would creep in and out of my mind every once in a while. But I was in control, or so I believed. I’d have a few crying fits here and there, but I’d get over the feelings and they would disappear for long periods of time.
However, recently, a very stressful series of events (involving family, work, home and friends) have triggered many old feelings of despair, hopelessness, loneliness, and just plain defeat. I’m so emotionally exhausted. I realized that I don’t live my life for me. I am just living. Just going along so everyone else in my life can be happy, have a decent home, go to school, pursue their career goals….blah blah blah…
I couldn’t off myself if I wanted to- I have all these people that depend on me now. If I were dead, it would make the situation much worse for them, especially my family. I don’t even have a decent life insurance, or any significant amounts of money tucked away to help with the financial burden. It’s funny…I spend my time coordinating so many details of their lives. My family wouldn’t even realize any of it until I was actually dead.
On top of all of it, I’m so afraid. I’m just afraid to take my own life. I’m afraid of death itself, if even felt for just a moment…and I’m afraid of what is (or what is not )on the other side.
But I’m so tired. I’m tired of finding myself in the same situations, in the same relationships with the same stupid problems, tired of re-living my mistakes in my brain, tired of worrying about money and about work, tired of worrying about home repairs, tired of worrying about family, tired of preoccupying myself with a million dance classes to stop thinking, tired of praying the same prayers over and over again.
Things just finally escalated today. On my drive from work, about 4 blocks from my home, I had a crying attack. I had to stop at a gas station and collect myself before driving again. Emotions just started flooding in and I felt very afraid, more desperate than I have felt in a long time. That feeling- fear/desperation…is so draining.
I think right now I just want to sleep. Thanks for listening to my babbling.