Last night I had a beautiful dream. A dream so vivid it had me fooled. It felt like real life. I must have been about 21 years old in my dream. My friends and I were on our annual summer beach vacation. We would plan that vacation a year in advanced because it was so much fun. Suffering through depression, that one trip, those glorious 7 days, kept me from going over the edge. When depression set in I would look at the calendar and feel just a little bit better. Just a little bit of hope for a better future to come.
In my dream was someone else too. Her name is Teresa. I didn’t meet Teresa until I was 30 years old so I should have know it was a dream but that didn’t register last night nor did it matter. All I knew was that in my dream I was surrounded by happiness. In my dream Teresa was mad at me at first and I didn’t know why. Her friend said it was because I wasn’t paying attention to her. I didn’t think she even liked me, why would she care if I didn’t pay attention. In my dream I asked her, “why are you mad at me”, and she replied “because I love you, you idiot!”. In my dream that was the happiest moment of my life.
After that my friends and I went surfing and I showed my best friend Glenn the cool new mug I bought from the gift shop. Teresa and I were about to head to the beach…when I woke up. For one brief second after waking I thought it was all real. For one brief second I thought I was waking up 21 years old in my favorite cheap beach hotel with the only girl I’ve ever loved. For one brief second I found happiness in the living world…then I blinked. At 3 AM I burst into tears. A 47 year old man weeping like a child. As I type this post I have tears in my eyes. I cried for over an hour. It’s 10:30 AM and the tears won’t stop.
Why am I crying so much? That dream reminded me of everything lost. My youth, my love. In my dream my father was still alive. My grandparents were still alive. I was still alive. Now here I sit. A broken old man. In my life I’ve managed to destroy everything that was ever good. I didn’t mean too. The harder I tried to do the right thing somehow it always went wrong. I’m now afraid to do anything. I will die alone because I can’t bear to bring another person into my life. All I do is drag people into my fucked up world. This depression has murdered me. I write this not as a human being but has a hollow shell. An animated character devoid of a soul. The demon of depression ate my soul long ago.
I was happy once…in a beautiful dream.
4 comments
The flood of conflicting emotions must’ve been crazy. I know the feeling of waking up from a blissful dream into the nightmare of reality. But I firmly believe this: if you feel happiness in a dream, that means you still have the ability to feel happiness no matter how bad things are. Some people lose that ability completely. Others bury it so deep it seems gone forever, but our dreams show us who we really are if we get free of all life’s bs. I’m not saying you’ll be happy again, I’m just saying that you have the potential to be happy. I’m the same way, I have occasional dreams that make me feel like I once was (happy) and I take those as reminders that life hasn’t turned completely hopeless yet. When we stop having those dreams, that’s when we need to really worry. Anyway, try not to take the dream as a bad thing reminding you of what you lost. Try to think of it as a reminder that somewhere in your brain the old you is still alive and well. What that amounts to is anyone’s guess, but I’m rooting for you man.
Wow. Thank you so much for this reply, seriously! I can’t tell you what it means to me. I’m so accustomed to taking everything as a negative or a bad omen that I never looked at it as being something good. I love the thought of having something left of me. A small flicker of hope that is somehow still silently burning somewhere in my clouded mind. Thank you my friend. Your words prove to me that you definitely have happiness in your soul. I think we both do! Stay strong my friend…we will find happiness again someday.
Exactly! I’m glad my comment gave you a new perspective. I’m glad you posted this because it’s helping me sort things out also. What is it about dreams that allow us to break free of depression? I think it’s that dreams focus on the present moment, ignoring the past as well as irrelevant things. Like you mentioned it didn’t register that Teresa appeared at the wrong point in the timeline. All you cared about was a caring presence (we can even question whether it was really Teresa or just the embodiment of a positive feeling).
Now jump to reality where we are wrapped up in negative distractions: regrets, traumas, fears, bad memories, etc. If we can somehow shed those things and instead appreciate the moment, then you bet we can be as happy as we once were. Well that’s where my psychoanalysis stops because I have no idea how to shed those negative thoughts, but at least I’m convinced that it’s possible. Maybe new (unfamiliar) places and people can put us back in that dreamlike state where we are concerned with the present, not sinking in the past. Who knows, but if you figure it out then tell me 🙂
It’s funny you mention new places. I’m looking now to move back to my tiny home town. I love my current home but the neighborhood is failing and the cost to live anywhere else around here is obscene at this point. I feel getting away from city life will help bring me some peace. I will be posting the journey as my anxiety it sky high. Stay tuned my friend.