September 16th, 2017by Gary

Sept 16th

Well just fuck it. I wish I’d die and get this done. I’m just not wanting to be. Why is my death so permanently a part of my daily thoughts. I just don’t understand me. So, I’m stuck in this revolving door that just is a permanent part of my life. I can’t escape it, and its pulling me in, shattering my mind. I cannot see me getting by this, the power of its crave is that cigarette. Peace. Hopefully no more, no nothing, just off. Its gonna happen but when. I want this over with. I can’t say I don’t care, but my debacle is exceeding the care. People heal. I’m not healing. I’m self destructing and aiming at me. Off. No More. My life is me isolated away again on another flight to who knows where, but safe from the world out there. Me, amongst people I have absolutely no interest in interacting with, isolated alone, music in my ears, alone. In my window seat peering out into a world I’m not part of. So be it. That is what I will do. A final cigarette. I beg for it to stop.

This was from a post sometime ago and not my writing but this is so spot on…..

Suicide is an addiction. Once you’ve done it. It is always in the back of your mind. Every day it is another option you can put on a to do list. As if you quit smoking and crave it every day but you just don’t fire one up even if you desire it so much.

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