Conflicted.

September 16th, 2017by suicidaldreamer

I was to visit my extended family this morning, but I failed to show up. Why? Well, I work night shift, and I sleep mostly during the day. After I work, I normally come home, sleep a little, and then I’m up, and then go back to sleep later – prior to starting my night. I don’t mind this lifestyle, however, living with someone that disturbs you every morning is hard to deal with, especially when you’re trying to adjust to a new schedule. I am truly torn at this point. My stepfather has a van that he is trying to get rid of, which I was gonna use for a project that I’m working on, and we were going to work on the van this morning. However, I never showed up, never even heard from him at all. I did speak with his mom, in whom he lives with, but, she seemed to call me merely out of concern. I think my stepdad may have made mention to her pertaining to her not getting back with me, and maybe she felt bad for ignoring me as usual. I try not to be begrudging, as it is harmful to do so. I called both of them today, and neither answered nor called me back. I feel rejected. I want to disconnect, to excommunicate entirely. I’m incredibly sensitive, and so, rejection never just rolls off my back. It always stings, and I would usually spiral out of control, going into these self-destructive escapades, such as impulse spending, chain smoking, throwing things out, usually my phone, self harm or would be bummed for a couple weeks, but, every since I’ve started reading the bible, my life has been different.

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