First Post.

September 12th, 2017by Blackholeheart

So I’ll start off,  im middle-aged,  unmarried,  decent job,  loving brothers, sisters & mother,  I’ve traveled from coast to coast across Canada and lived in the USA for 7 years,  I’ve got a nice big television,  huge stereo,  all kinds of console gaming systems,  computer,  nice apartment, comfortable bed,  good fucking friends,  I don’t have to struggle to feed myself or keep clothes on my back,  I was never abused in any way as a child,   my mental illnesses are anxiety,  society anxiety and depression,  when I was a teenager i was put in the psych ward only once for a two week stay.
Why am I here?  Well obviously depression…..duh.  It’s been ten years now and counting in this current depressive shit hole I call a brain and I cannot pull out of it,  for reasons I will explain in due time.
Now to anyone who’s already guessed based on what’s missing from the above list,  you get a gold star!!! That’s right!!! “love gone wrong”.   I’m not going to bore anyone with the details at this very moment,  even though I’m sure that there are many who would like to hear the story.  And over the coarse of time while im here and still posting I will get to that.
Now I’ve heard it all… and i mean all!!
There’s a million fish in the sea,  there’s always someone out there better for you,  the heart will learn to love again, blah blah blah balh blah blah.
I’m not on here to be saved,  it just feels nice to anonymously share my journey to “close the loop”.   I cannot share on conventional social media as my friends & family think im going better and are on an upswing.  The reason Im still around is for not wanting to let them all down,  especially my mother.
I’ve already chosen my exit method and where I’m at now is trying to square away as such of my funeral costs as possible as my parents aren’t well off.   I haven’t chosen a location just yet,  I’m taking my time with that one,  it has to be within driving distance as I cannot get onto a plane with my equipment (not doing the exhaust pipe shuffle in case your getting ideas lol)  I’m too creative for that.
I figure I’m about a year and a half away,  two at most.   Now I’m completely open to the fact that over that coarse of time my mind may change for whatever hundreds of possibilities.

Reading as I signed up here i read that we are not to talk about actual method.  But I see folks on here talking about past failed tries.
How does that work?  You can talk about past tries but not your current “master plan” LOL
Don’t get me wrong I’m not here to stir the pot or be rocking the boat,  just curious where the line is on that.

This isn’t my first attempt,  maybe back then I wasn’t that serious,  maybe because there wasn’t an Internet to explore & learn. Maybe the Black hole in my chest is getting to big,  but mainly because as the more time passes the more I see the finality of the whole thing (will be explained more).
The first, second & third times were all pills.
The first was Gravol,  the second morphine, the third extacy.  Not counting the emo cuts from my teenage years.
But thanks to my education in fabrication and the wonders of the Internet this isn’t going to fail me.

Consider this my first entrie and introduction to the documentation of my final years……and maybe not.  Not likely but maybe.

Last thought,  I wish I had a time machine…..but don’t we all.

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