Have I gone mad?

September 16th, 2017by suicidaldreamer

Am I insane? No, seriously… I think I have truly lost my mind, and I cannot discern as to when. I feel gone, way gone, and beyond hopeless. It’s no wonder I’ve been so engrossed with spirituality, truth, and the Holy Bible. I’m seeking answers, because, if I’m gonna leave this world by my own doing, if there’s one thing in my humble opinion that’s worth pursuing; it’s truth. Truth matters. We always hear about love, which is the essence of all creation, but what about truth? I somewhat believe that real truth can’t really be proven. Nothing can really be proven, when you think about it. I think ultimately, everything is a matter of faith. I think trusting our gut is important, but it’s confusing, because, if something is universally true, wouldn’t our instincts lead us all in the same direction? Strange world, indeed.

 

As for my sanity…. I am quite certain that I am 100% insane, but it’s the type of madness that wouldn’t put me in a padded cell. I wouldn’t go running around with a knife, but mad enough to try to take my own life, in the simplest, most effective and cleanest way possible. In a sick sort of way, I find this all poetic yet unjustifiably grotesque.

I tend to think that people can read minds and vice versa. I almost always feel like I’m being watched and sometimes I feel like something is crawling on me, but when I look, nothing’s there.

I am a complete mess, and I’m 23 years old, turning 24 in February, and I feel like I’m on my last leg. Some claim that when our lives feel like it’s falling apart, often times, it’s falling into place. ‘Can’t tell. From the outside, everything seems fine, but I am such a tortured mess, and I believe that it shows. Eyes speak. Body language speaks. I don’t know how to cope, but I am desperate for an escape. This world feels like a prison to me, a sick joke. This whole life is strange. ┬áSometimes I think the whole idea of “madness” and “insanity” are just labels used to discredit those that are awake to reality, to “The Matrix” as some call it. The masses are all conditioned to think one way, with the conformity and so forth, and anyone that deviates is instantly shunned and labeled “crazy”. But what if all these “crazy” are actually right? What if truth is, their consciousness operates on a higher frequency than most. And the truth is that, the reaction is appropriate to awakening to such a sick, manipulated world?

Hear me out; I don’t have a bad life and have never claimed to. When I look at the rest of the world, I’d have to say that I’ve had it good, for the most part, but that doesn’t mean for a second that I don’t have struggles. One can have everything going well in their life, it doesn’t mean you’re alright. I believe “happiness” is merely a man made concept. I believe in joy fully, but “happiness” in my opinion, is simply not achievable in a place like this. The world is too chaotic for such, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find joy. However, I do believe many of us will experience true happiness someday, just not in this world, this realm.

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