I didn’t ask to be here

I don’t really know where to start…I could tell my whole life story on here but that would just be a waste of time. I didn’t have the worst childhood ever, I mean it could have been a lot worse.. I did go through some things tho and I feel like they’ve caused me to be the way I am today. I hate who I am.. so passionately. I make so many mistakes all the time.. little mistakes and big mistakes. I’m also really weird and anti social and no one really likes me. Whenever I try to go out and be normal I always end up coming home feeling like total crap because I know I somehow made an idiot out of myself and people probably thought I was weird. I never know what to say. Besides my social life my love life is even worse ..I don’t want to blame it purely on the men because maybe it’s my fault for choosing them but I guess I just know I don’t really deserve any better. But every guy seems to treat me like crap.. and I always stick around. Yesterday a guy that I’ve been on and off with (not a relationship, just sex and sort of a friendship) told me if I  didn’t do a certain sexual thing so well that he would have cut me off a long time ago. Honestly that broke my heart.. even tho I shouldn’t have expected anything better from him I thought he at least liked me a little.. but of course I was wrong. No guy will ever love me for me because I have so many flaws and faults and Im just not really anything to love. I’ve been betrayed so many times by guys just in the last year and it’s so overwhelming. I’ve wanted to kill myself and have been going through depression since I was maybe 12 or younger..idk. I don’t know how much longer I can go on in this world because I hate every minute of every day. The truth is I just don’t want to put the few people who actually love through all that pain just because I’m too weak to deal with my own problems .. it sucks.. I’m hoping God will just take me soon..