I hide inside my comfort zone a lot. A ridiculous amount, really. But sometimes I’ll spontaneously jump out of it for a bit. The more I do that the more I realize I can actually see myself doing this thing. It feels good to have one thing that I can doubt a little less.
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If I try to talk to anyone about this they just tell me I’m being overdramatic or that “hang in there it’ll get better” shit. And I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade and tell them how hopeless the world actually is. I don’t want to make anyone start thinking like I do, so I just shut up and keep it all in my head.
I really really want to fucking kill myself, I wish my family could just forget that I ever existed.
I’m here if you want to talk through some stuff
Thank you jcau, that’s very kind. I was gonna reply after work last night but I was not in a good place to be talking to other ppl.
Ive connected with several of your posts actually. Think I commented on the pitying other people one but there were others that made a lot of sense to me.
First off – you don’t just keep it in your head. That’s very good. Maybe the people you know physically aren’t the right ones to talk to so you come here. But blogging only goes so far and I can see in the progression of your posts to comments to responses that having a person to vent to when needed is something that might really help you. I can always use the same so if you want to have a texting buddy, just let me know.
I don’t know where it is now but there was a post on here that linked a TEDx video of Sarah Liberti talking about this stuff. It was great and very easy to google. Please watch it if you haven’t.
I see a very caring person in you. I don’t know if the depression causes some of us to be more caring or not, but I think it plays a part. It’s a terrible nasty condition, but when I see people like you (things apparent in your comments and responses) still be gracious and caring I know you have a strength to not let it kill you. Sure you want to, so do most of us, but there has to be some reason we reach out to vent or help and don’t just do it. I think that might be hope.
In the moment I know full well that it feels like nothing matters, nobody gets it, it’ll never change and I don’t give a shit anymore. Out of the moment, there is at least something keeping us breathing. Let’s try to be mindful and stay out of that moment then for as long as possible, or get through it very quickly?
Thank you likeastone,
I do remember you, I always appreciate when people reply, I feel like I’m just used to being ignored. But you are very thoughtful, thank you. Also I’ll look up that TED talk, maybe it could help.
My problem with talking through stuff with people is that they don’t really get it, and for the most part I don’t want them too, I didn’t always think the way I do now, and I don’t want to contribute to someone else getting to this point. Ignorance is bliss and all that.
Also I’m not sure what keeps me hanging on, I suppose it’s obligation to my family. I feel so guilty every time I think about how my mom would cry for me if I did it. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough, I know what a horrible thing that is to say, but I can’t help how I feel. At least I’ve controlled it to this point.