I need help. This is very difficult for me to write. I don’t know if anyone can help me but I don’t know who else I could talk to. Also, english is not my primary language so please excuse if I don’t express myself accurately or have trouble in explaining something.
I am very unhappy with my life and myself. I feel like everything is too much for me and I don’t know how to solve my problems. I don’t even really understand what is wrong with me. And there are so many things I’ve dealt with for a long time, that I got used to them and might not think of them immediately.
There have been many times when I thought about ending my life. But I realized that I don’t want to end my life. I finally want to live my life. That is what I always wanted, but somehow I never really was able to.
I feel like I don’t know what is “normal”, a normal life. I never did. I feel like I am a foreigner who never really experienced the way of life in a human society. I am not capable of running my life the way I need, to lead a “normal life” in this society, and I am also not capable of running my life the way I want to. I see all the other people around me somehow managing their lives in a way that allows them to lead their lives the way I want to, to do things I want to do, and to develop an own personality. But somehow, I am not able to do this.
I don’t really know who I actually am. I don’t know what things I am good at. Or if there are things that I am good at, at all. I don’t even know what I actually want. It is like I never made enough experiences to find out what I want and what I am good at. I feel like I missed something in life, a step of personal development or other important experiences you need to make.
But I don’t know why it is like this, or how it came to this, which makes it impossible for me to solve my problems or change my situation. And this is deeply frustrating for me because I don’t want to carry on with my life the way it is now.
Right now, I don’t know what to do with myself the whole day. I wonder what all the other people do in their lives, but it is like I simply don’t know what a normal person does to become a normal person and lead a normal life. On the other hand, I am extremely overwhelmed with my everyday tasks and my responsibilities. And I have to add that I am not a person who has got many tasks and responsibilities. I basically don’t do anything throughout the day anymore because I just don’t seem to have life energy anymore. I sit in my room all day, not accomplishing anything, and at the end of the day I wonder what I actually did the whole day and how I could spend all these hours with absolutely nothing. I feel overwhelmed by everything and incapable of doing anything. By now, my life just became a waste of time. And it is also unhealthy because I just sit in a room all day and don’t get any exercise. Physically and mentally.
But then, when I hear (or see), by coincidence, about all the responsibilities and also enjoyable things that other people do all day, I realize that I actually would love to do those things myself. But then, I never do them because, first, I don’t even know that these possibilities exist until I hear about them, and second – which is the worst part – : when I finally know about them and I want to do them, I simply have no idea how to accomplish that. How does everyone know about all these things and possibilities, and why is it that I do not?
At school, I have always been a very good student, one of the best even. But now, I somehow lost all the skills I had before, and I am slowly getting more and more incapable.
I am a student at a University now, but currently I don’t get anything done for university anymore. I’m overwhelmed with all tasks that are no problem for all the other students. And all the other students have to do much more courses than me and are still better at everything. And I even do not have any other responsibilities. I could fully concentrate on my education (which most people cannot even) but I am still overwhelmed and fail at everything.
And there are also no other things or skills I have. All my life I spend only with working for school. I didn’t have any activities in my leisure time, or any other responsibilities where I could have made experiences or develop skills. And even the fact that I didn’t have all this, is already something that is not normal, and I don’t know why it is like this.
And now, the only thing I was ever good at, is gone, too, and I don’t know how to complete my studies or what else I can or want to do.
In addition to that, I hate not only how incapable and useless I am, but I also am disgusted by the way I look. Since I was a kid, I never did belong anywhere near the people who are beautiful. But since I became a teenager, I started to have severe acne in my face. And now, at 22 years, I still have acne and my face is full of acne scars, too. I also developed a kind of skin picking disorder, which makes me destroy my face even more. The skin of my face will probably never fully heal and look normal again.
Furthermore, I hardly had any friends my whole life, and I fail at any social interactions.
I have been bullied since I was a child, my only friends left me without telling the reason, I barely have any friends left now.
I don’t exercise or go out because I have no one to go out with or I have no motivation or life energy for that.
I have a lot of trouble with my family lately. I wouldn’t even say we’re a family anymore. It is like everyone hates each other. I can’t talk to my parents about my problems because they wouldn’t take it serious or they don’t care. When I thought about ending my life, I often said this in front of my parents. The only thing they answered was that if I did it all the other people would blame my parents for doing something wrong and so my parents would be seen as “the bad ones” even if they weren’t. So my suicide would be selfish and it would only hurt them in their life situation.
And the worst thing for me is that even if other people don’t think I am lazy (because they don’t know enough) I know that I actually am lazy and do nothing in my life anymore. And not doing anything also leads to losing more and more skills I at least had before. Each day I become more and more incapable. I feel completely worthless.
So right now, I just can’t stand my life anymore. I don’t know how to cope with my studies, I don’t know which abilities I have, I don’t know what my interests are, and I basically don’t know who I am. I don’t know how it came to all this and how to solve those problems. I deeply hate the way I look, and I am not able to live the life I want to, and to do the things that would make life worth living for me.
I don’t want to kill myself but I deeply wish I could end my life and start all over again.
I hope anyone can help me get out of this situation because I don’t know how to do it myself. Or maybe someone can at least tell me what is wrong with me.
Thank you.
4 comments
It’s a shame you feel you aren’t living your life to it’s full potential. Can you talk to a guidance counsellor at your Uni perhaps? They might be able to give you some help taking the first steps to becoming involved more in life.
Skin – if you haven’t and can – I suggest seeing a dermatologist. Acne will run it’s course but it can be minimised. Picking is difficult to resist and is fine if carried out correctly. If your skin stops you from going outside, it is possible to cover up the acne with a coloured/tinted cream.
Do you think you’re depressed? Getting help for that can be a big step but it’s more difficult trying to cope with depression alone.
Let us know how you are getting on and good luck.
Thank you very much for your reply. It is nice seeing that someone cares and trys to help.
Concerning the skin issue, I have already gone to many dermatologists and tried many treatments but nothing worked for me. Right now the only thing that may make a change is homeopathy. This is the last thing I can try and I hope it will work. I am doing this for a few months now but my skin still isn’t so much better. Also, I don’t know what to do about all the scars in my face. I don’t know if they will ever heal enough to not be seen anymore.
But of course I already use a well covering makeup. Otherwise I wouldn’t see myself able to leave the house anymore. But of course, getting ready is taking much longer because of this and most of the things are more complicated.
I do not know if I am depressed or at least I am not officialy diagnosed with depression but I feel like most of the issues that depressed people deal with apply to me.
I know about how the skin can affect the mood. I had spots etc. when younger and getting ready became such a chore. It’s a shame nothing has worked for you treatment wise. It’s good you’re trying different methods- at least homeopathy is relatively gentle. I have tried this for various concerns over the years.
Scars do diminish over time. It does depend on your skin type. My skin scars very easily and scars take a long time to fade. Whenever I felt at my worst and would mention it to others,they would tell me they didn’t think my skin was bad. They may have been being kind.
Keep trying with your remedies and good luck. The acne won’t last forever 🙂
Hi there. Just found this. Not sure if you’re still around, but thought I’d drop a note.
First, your English was very good. 🙂
There’s a lot to unpack from your message here, but what I got is that you a suffering from a lot of anxiety. It’s causing you to overthink everything, which is very exhausting.
I don’t think you’ve realized this, or maybe you have, but it also sounds like you’ve made yourself a prisoner in your own space. You’re the only one holding yourself in your room.
This was suggested to me: set goals, make a calendar.
What do you want to do this month? What is entailed in getting that done? Break it down into what needs to be done by week, then day.
Then focus on that day.
Day by day, you pull yourself out. This is what normal people do. They make it look easy because they aren’t dealing with the anxiety you are. That’s it. The only difference.
Is it easy to do? No. It’s not. It takes time to get good at it. You’re going to have hard days. But eventually those become less. So much so that you forget that you’re having them. Then… you realize you’re a normal person.
What’s great is that you can totally do this. I believe in you.