I was meant to do it last night. I shouldn’t even be alive to write this post now. I had my poison, my notes and my determination that this was it. Part of me was glad it was going to be over.
However, I have this fear, not of death, but this fear that it will be days before someone finds me, don’t ask why because I don’t know. Last night I stayed at my mums so at least when she goes to check on me in the morning I would be found, but as I was about to do it I thought about how she would be finding me non-responsive. It hurt and I couldn’t go through with it.
Ive now resorted to conducting it in my apartment, however that fear of not being found is greater. People won’t notice for a long time and they are accustom to me not answering calls or texts due to anxiety, so they will likely assume that’s what I’m doing.
So I need your help. Do you have any suggestions that will allow me to subtly alert someone without them intervening too early?
12 comments
It’s something i fear too. The vision of my family finally finding my decomposed body makes even more terrifying the idea of the damage that my death could make to them. I know I’m a bad person and deserve to die in the most horrible way, but I don’t want to hurt them more.
I agree , it’s absolutely terrifying
Go to a cheap motel. The cleaning lady or the the staff at the front will find you when you don’t check out the following morning. That’s what I’m doing
I attempted that but at a fancy $400 a night hotel because why not go out in style, you know. I backed out of that plan for some reason. What a waste of $400 right?
im sure if you search carefully, you could find a motel in your city or surrounding area less than 200 bucks a night
Though death inevitably touches our lives, suicide is a death like no other, it stuns and leaves us defeated and bewildered. Those unfortunate souls finding the body will face intimate trauma and struggle for years to make sense of it, they become prone to developing depression and PTSD. Why place the suffering and burden on innocent staff who are often poorly treated and barely able to survive on meagre earnings? Inadequate training and available resources for them to deal with such complex bereavement issues only compound the grief.
Obviously I can’t advise an alternative, only consideration for those innocently impacted.
Would it help if I left a big tip?
I haven’t sent a cyber greeting card in a few years, but I think they can be scheduled. A nice simple card with a customized message of “Hey, come to my room for just a sec. . .” scheduled for a predetermined time frame after you exit might do the trick, what do you think?
A greeting card seems ironic yet inappropriate
We are not well people!
How I did it last time:
Taped a note to the front door (invisible until the screen door was opened). The words of warning elude me, but it essentially said not to enter alone (to keep someone from being investigated for murder) and that they should call the police and wait? (I don’t remember).
How I’ll do it this time:
I will put a chair in the entryway (hotel/motel/rental) with a note explaining to not come in, but to call the police. That way trained personnel can deal with it, the underpaid staff will get an extra nice tip, my family will be spared the trauma, and I get to end my life the way I want, when I want, and finally be free from myself.
Shit, I’m even going to bring my own tarp or shower curtain to lay on so as not to make a mess of the place. They can just pick me up and drop me on the gurney and ship me off for an autopsy. I’ll have my dentist’s info there and can be id’d by my x-rays. How’s that for considerate?
Personally, I don’t think a parent should ever have to find their child dead, regardless of cause.
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