I am tired of life sitting in my room all day. I am to scared to be in public. My mental health is getting worse. I don’t have any friends no girlfriend. I am 32 and on ssi living with my grandparents I feel like a complete failure. I think I am almost ready to go. I had so many chances to get back on track but I always mess up. I can still remember the day that my mental health went bad. I am fed up with my life . I have tried but it’s a losing battle living with paranoia is the worst thing ever I am stuck in my house all day I feel like a coward. I was never like this. I am ready to go I think I will give it a little time in hopes that something will change but I doubt it its been eight years. I get glimpses of hope but then I am right back into my head and bad feelings. I’m tired of being let down. I have been used my whole life by people. I wish I could take back my mistakes that bother me. I was a good person but I don’t feel like it anymore. I’m tired of medicines that don’t work tired of being put down tired being threatened tired of living in fear.
3 comments
I’m 27, no friends, job, money, girlfriend, living with my mom and grandma
Everyone in this situation. I knew I couldn’t survive living with my parents (haven’t liked them since I was a teenager) I escaped from their house for about a year and during that time my health was better than it has ever been and I was actually happy for once. I didn’t get migraines from being bossed around and controlled by them, I didn’t feel extremely uncomfortable every second, I wasn’t fed nasty food that ruined my body. I got to make my own life decisions. During this time, I practiced a purely spiritual way of life, needing nothing and wanting nothing other than the ground under my feet and the air in my lungs. There was never a negative moment. I knew I would have to come back to them eventually and DREADED that idea! I did not think I could survive them again. I came up with the be all end all dream-life guaranteed to conduct complete happiness and get you away from any sort of brain-washing or unhealthy life that you may be thrown into by being pushed and swayed by personalities and unkempt opinions, that are not purely your own. While I was practicing spirituality, I came up with that you HAVE TO AVOID the opinions that are not your own, that you don’t agree with. If you just project an air of being yourself. If someone has a problem with you, AVOID IT. If you are completely your whole self you do not have to worry about what other people think, what they say, how they view you, because you know they are wrong!
After I was sent back my life became worse than it has ever been. The very day I was sent back home, it become horrendous. And it continues to get worse every day (that was 4 years ago). They cannot stop themselves from pushing/dragging/pulling me around.
So, if you are not uncomfortable with the idea, I’d like to share a “way out” that is not suicide. This was my dream come true. I have been researching it further it has been my end goal. And my wish after every day. I tried to get ssi to be able to afford this dream, but was not accepted. Although it is rather small change. To get away from a mortgage or paying bills, monthly fees, and living in a town full of rabid idiots. (The rabid idiots control the mortgage and you’d never want money to go to them) If you don’t want to live with granny, my dream is to build a home out in woods. I guess you call it a shed. If it is far enough out and small enough you do not need a permit. But you won’t be close to town. I have been preparing for that lifestyle for 5 years. They estimate 500$ a 10×10 cabin, made out of logs. I think I can find logs lying around for free out deep enough. Basic tools, and it is very easy rather than difficult. I planned to do this and spend my entire life completely alone, spending all day discovering uncovered knowledge. No distractions of the chickens with their heads cut off that society has come to be.
The only problem I am finding is the time to find an area. I need to gather logs. I keep telling my guardian about this goal but she ignores it tells me to go work with the fucking retards at the local stores. I have tried that once and my coworkers were so fucking stupid spiritually mentally physically that it hurt me physically.
So whether my guardian approves or not, I am just conjuring up a plan here as I have been waiting in misery to get away from them for 4 years, going to gather my supplies on 15$ of gas. And hope to be able to get out far enough to find a space. Will build it. Use this spare change to get back and forth while building then once it is build leave the rental car my guardian lets me borrow and I guess get a taxi out.
Say goodbye to the terrible life and welcome a better one. It’s just sad because I wanted to build it in North Dakota or South Dakota but I have no assistance other then about 30$ towards this goal. I could build it anywhere if I traveled there on foot, I suppose. I have walked 600 miles this year. Which would be about to Texas.
She pays my health insurance so I don’t know if I can leave her but I’ve wanted to forever. I never use healthcare facilities, as is no help to me. Funny how she can pay health insurance 200$ or something a month to something that could never have any assistance to my life but cannot use that money on something that wouldn’t be a complete waste. Then she complains when I ask for 20$ (The nasty greedy healthcare bastards wanting all the money to themselves at it again)
Escape your parents/grandparents while you are young enough and strong enough. I’ve become weak and this environment is toxic.
Every day, it’s the same exact struggle of forcing myself to interact with people in this house I don’t want to talk to and pushing myself through a life I don’t want to live anyway.
My b/f gives me a glimmer of hope for a future, but as long as I am held down by depression and the hatred for people I live with, the only way out is suicide.
I don’t want it to come to that. I’ll get out one way or another, either by finally getting enough strength to move away or death.