as much as it pains me to admit, i’m a toxic person. it hasn’t always been this way, i used to make people smile and happy. now that’s not the case. my illnesses are eating away at me and they took my ability to enjoy seeing others happy away first. making people unhappy doesn’t fufill me either, i hate it. my relationship with my girlfriend is toxic but then again, all my relationships with everyone are toxic. my best friend never really gave a shit about me but i’ve told him to fuck off. i have no one but my girlfriend and i’m dragging her down with me. i need to cut all off my ties, i need to let her be happy and find someone else, but she won’t let me leave; and because i don’t want to leave, i stay. she thinks she needs me but she doesn’t, she can do better. i received new medication today and i know i’m going to overdose on all of it mixed with an assortment of other pills in my cabinet. it’ll fail, of course, and i’ll wake up the next day hating myself even more. i’m toxic to everyone and i don’t know how to fix that, apart from dying. sure seems like the best solution to me.
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2 comments
Your girlfriend can make her own choices. If you think having her in your life is benefiting you, then don’t hurt her by pushing her away… unless you want to break up for good, and won’t want to get back together (because breaking up and knowing you’ll want to get back with them is an abusive thing to do to someone).
If you’re at risk of hurting yourself, maybe you should voluntarily check yourself into a hospital for a short time?
One day at a time. Simple. Hey man, if she’s willing to let your sort your shit out. That’s that. Just focus on you and do you. It’s the power inside that lets us keep going. You’d made it this far. Trust me that’s phenomenal. Keep your head up.