September 16th, 2017by Life is a beach

I’m about to turn 16. My entire life I’ve felt lost and alone. In elementary school I had a best friend. She and I were inseparable. We met in kindergarten, but she left me for someone else in the fourth grade. I began hanging out with another girl. She was depressed. She talked to me about cutting, hating her parents, etc. I was in 5th grade at this time. A stupid 11 year old kid. I tried being there for her, just being a friend. Looking back I should’ve told someone. She never did anything drastic, but she left and transferred schools. We stopped talking. I’ve had about 3 friends from 6-8th grade that all left me, and a couple of acquaintances that never seemed to like my presence in the first place. At this current point in my life, I have about 3 new friends, but I’m always questioning if any of them actually like or care about me. I have depression. I have very bad social anxiety. It’s not like I can go out and make new friends no matter how much people tell me to “not be shy.” I love singing, but I can’t audition for things because I’ll start sobbing uncontrollably. I’m questioning my sexuality and I feel like I have nobody to talk to. I used to cut myself, but I haven’t for around 10 months. I hit my thighs. I used to think a lot about dying. How people would feel, how they’d react, if they’d notice. I stopped talking in class, I feel panic whenever I leave the house. My one friend out of the three always says we should hangout over the weekend, but never contacts me. Nobody talks to me. Even if I text first. I began talking to some people on the internet. They’re nice, but they live so far away and the time differences ruin it. I’ve never felt more alone and I feel like crying all the time. I’ve felt this anxiety and sadness ever since my first best friend left me in 4th grade. It’s been 6 years and I’m tired of feeling pathetic. My brothers would always tell me to shut up, that nobody cared what I had to say, and that I wasn’t funny. My mom always told me to ignore them. But when you’re told something enough, you believe it. I get tension headaches and migraines from the anxiety. My mom wants me to see a therapist for my anxiety (she doesn’t know I’m depressed) but we can’ afford that kind of thing and I don’t want to be more of a burden than I already am, but I want to feel better.

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