“Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
Do you ever go to bed at night and pray you never wake in the morning? I do. Every night before I fall asleep I pray that I won’t wake up. I pray that I fade silently into the night never to see another morning. Yet every morning I awaken and dread the day to come. Everyday it seems I’m given another piece of manure to add to my already overflowing wagon of shit. When I wake in the morning the only thing that gets me out of bed is knowing that as soon as work is done I can go back to sleep. How did this happen to me? When did the darkness become so dense that not even a spec of light can pierce the veil. Hope is now but a shadow in the darkest of nights.
I’m so tired of this struggle called life. I’ve fought for decades. I’ve used the medicines, I’ve spoken to the therapists yet here I am in the lowest pit of Hell once again. How do I keep finding this place? Perhaps it keeps finding me. Last night I went to bed at 5 PM. I drug myself with Benadryl every night so that I can sleep for 12 or more hours. The worst part of my day is seeing the light of the sunrise. Another day of misery. Another day of pain. Another addition to my so heavy wagon.
I wear my mask of happiness anytime I have to be “social”. Wearing that mask is exhausting to me. Avoiding all human contact would be the greatest gift of all. I think about what ails me and somehow it always ties back to humans. I do not hate anyone, on the contrary, I want to love and respect everyone. Sadly this is a one-way street and I’m on the wrong side of the road. So I suffer in silence with my happy mask sewn to my face. Meanwhile my stomach churns, my mind races and my head feels like it’s going to explode. Even those closest to me can’t understand. I try to explain but it’s like teaching algebra to an ant. Only those of us who have touched the face of the Devil can understand the pain we suffer. We must walk through the valley of darkness alone.
I never thought I would hit this bottom again. Yet here I am. I’m so tired my friends…so very, very tired.
7 comments
You sound like you’re living my life.
Good post.
Thank you friend. I think those of us unlucky enough to find this special place in Hell all walk the same path. Sadly, instead of running into the people who understand we run into the assholes this Earth seems to keep shitting out en masse.
Same for me. Every morning is a nightmare. I somehow get through the day by waiting to sleep again. I constantly daydream about not existing anymore. It’s my obsession.
I totally understand my friend.
I honestly thought I was the only one who dreads seeing the sunrise bringing in another day.
Believe me goodie you are not alone. I wish there was something I could do to fix this problem. Mostly it’s where I live right now but I’m stuck at the moment.
Same here. Just wish I don’t have to wake up again. No longer have the excuses to exist anymore.
Thanks for sharing man