Haven’t made a direct post here yet. It was my initial intention, but felt better reaching out to others for a while. Oh well, I finally need to get one out.
The first thought that always pops into my head when something I don’t like happens these days is “Well, just kill yourself. Problem solved”. Without fail, pure reflex. 9 times out of 10 I wasn’t even specifically depressed at the moment. Angry, embarrassed, annoyed…doesn’t matter. That’s turned into my brains go to. And it totally makes sense – it doesn’t scare me. No matter how big or how small, how important or how utterly insignificant the problem. It then desensitized me to the whole thing after a while. So when I am in a real depression, or what feels more aptly a despair, I really start to think about it. I get close enough to do it with one more action if I really want. I own guns. I keep them loaded. It’s a lot tighter fit in your mouth then you might expect. Ive got razors. Ive also got their scars. Then I chicken out. I’d like to think I realized I just didn’t want to, but it remains my go to and the cycle continues. It’s fucked up actually.
Ive mostly isolated myself because I’ve always been abandoned when I didn’t. At first it really wasn’t my fault. Bullies. Bipolar mother. Stressed, angry dad. Bullies. Siblings just a little too far apart in age. Bullies. And as the wall got put up a little thicker each time, it started to become part of the problem for the next time. These days when I get abandoned, or excluded or whatever, I would like to blame other people but I know I pretty much designed my interactions to make sure I end up right where I am. And I just need to stay away – so I do. But then I end up lonely most days. And then I try to connect somewhere new, but with trepidation of course. And I let my guard down and begin to interact the way I usually do after a while. And the cycle continues…
At this point I don’t know what to do. I’m exhausted. I depress. I despair. I taste metal and the cycle continues.
So knowing this should help, right? Apparently not.
I am a fairly intelligent person. Not a doctor or rocket scientist smart, but there are many equally important types of intelligence. More of a top down, big picture, street smart, logical mix with just enough book smart to be dangerous. And it is dangerous. I obviously am not smarter in the law than my lawyer, or medicine than my doctor, but from a day-to-day general life intelligence, I’m usually the sharpest in the room. Or so I believe. Definitely not always, but usually. I think. So when something is so clear and obvious to me, and the other person isn’t getting it, I push and push to explain it. To the point they will never see it because they don’t just want to now. I ruined it. But then I get so angry, because it’s so fucking obvious. I need to explain it again, a little louder this time, a little more aggressive. And I obsess, and push, and alienate, and begrudge, and venge, and dwell, break, depress…despair…queue cycle…
How the fuck did they not see it though? I just want to scream. Fuck it, just kill yourself. Problem solved?
needless to say, I don’t have any friends left. Not ones I ever talk to anyway. It would be nice though, maybe I’ll cautiously reach out and make one…
4 comments
There are plenty of friendly people on here who would be more than happy to help.
You mentioned that you are intelligent. What do you like and are good at?
” …..The first thought that always pops into my head when something I don’t like happens these days is “Well, just kill yourself. Problem solved”. Without fail, pure reflex. 9 times out of 10 I wasn’t even specifically depressed at the moment. Angry, embarrassed, annoyed…doesn’t matter. That’s turned into my brains go to. And it totally makes sense – it doesn’t scare me. No matter how big or how small, how important or how utterly insignificant the problem. It then desensitized me to the whole thing after a while….. ”
I can sooo identify with that. For example I have to just remember some moment where I ever so slightly embarrassed myself or made a tiny mistake, and the word ‘suicide’ pops in my head, even when I am in a good space. Pure reflex. Actually, it’s the German word for suicide “Selbstmord” that shoots through my head, and I emigrated from Germany almost 28 years ago as a young woman, and very seldom have the opportunity to speak German. I think and dream in English. That just shows how ancient that reflex is.
My psychologist says it’s a learned behaviour, it’s something that at some stage was a coping strategy, not a particularly good one, but maybe the only one available at the time.
The big question is how to unlearn this??? I don’t think I can.
For a while I have always countered the thought mindfully with a more life affirming thought, which certainly helped at the time, but did nothing to unlearn the reflex. Like you it has desensitise me, and given that I am ‘blessed’ with recurring, treatment resistant extremely severe depression, the chances are slim that I will die of natural causes.
Wow. This was me and also a work mate for many years:
“The first thought that always pops into my head when something I don’t like happens these days is “Well, just kill yourself. Problem solved”. ”
I used to imagine all sorts of what evil might befall me and smile knowing that whether it was a toothache, the IRS confiscating everything, or the entire state militia on my front lawn wanting to take me away I could escape any one or anything of this earth.
I must say that years into my therapy now, I now give every potential calamity a time allowance to see how it will turnout but yes for many years death was also my brains go to. It could still happen and it is great comfort that we have self termination as a heritage. Time will tell for me.
Thank you so so much for posting this. It was nice to see my thoughts in print.
Seems we think alike. This wasn’t the first time 🙂