Over and over

September 15th, 2017by likeastone

Haven’t made a direct post here yet.  It was my initial intention, but felt better reaching out to others for a while.  Oh well, I finally need to get one out.

The first thought that always pops into my head when something I don’t like happens these days is “Well, just kill yourself.  Problem solved”.  Without fail, pure reflex.  9 times out of 10 I wasn’t even specifically depressed at the moment.  Angry, embarrassed, annoyed…doesn’t matter.  That’s turned into my brains go to.  And it totally makes sense – it doesn’t scare me.  No matter how big or how small, how important or how utterly insignificant the problem.  It then desensitized me to the whole thing after a while.  So when I am in a real depression, or what feels more aptly a despair, I really start to think about it.  I get close enough to do it with one more action if I really want.  I own guns.  I keep them loaded.  It’s a lot tighter fit in your mouth then you might expect.  Ive got razors.  Ive also got their scars.  Then I chicken out.  I’d like to think I realized I just didn’t want to, but it remains my go to and the cycle continues.  It’s fucked up actually.

Ive mostly isolated myself because I’ve always been abandoned when I didn’t.  At first it really wasn’t my fault.  Bullies.  Bipolar mother.  Stressed, angry dad.  Bullies.  Siblings just a little too far apart in age.  Bullies.  And as the wall got put up a little thicker each time, it started to become part of the problem for the next time.  These days when I get abandoned, or excluded or whatever, I would like to blame other people but I know I pretty much designed my interactions to make sure I end up right where I am.  And I just need to stay away – so I do. But then I end up lonely most days.  And then I try to connect somewhere new, but with trepidation of course.  And I let my guard down and begin to interact the way I usually do after a while.  And the cycle continues…

At this point I don’t know what to do.  I’m exhausted.  I depress.  I despair.  I taste metal and the cycle continues.

So knowing this should help, right?  Apparently not.

I am a fairly intelligent person.  Not a doctor or rocket scientist smart, but there are many equally important types of intelligence.  More of a top down, big picture, street smart, logical mix with just enough book smart to be dangerous.  And it is dangerous.  I obviously am not smarter in the law than my lawyer, or medicine than my doctor, but from a day-to-day general life intelligence, I’m usually the sharpest in the room.  Or so I believe.  Definitely not always, but usually. I think.  So when something is so clear and obvious to me, and the other person isn’t getting it, I push and push to explain it.  To the point they will never see it because they don’t just want to now.  I ruined it.  But then I get so angry, because it’s so fucking obvious.  I need to explain it again, a little louder this time, a little more aggressive.  And I obsess, and push, and alienate, and begrudge, and venge, and dwell, break, depress…despair…queue cycle…

How the fuck did they not see it though?  I just want to scream.   Fuck it, just kill yourself.  Problem solved?

needless to say, I don’t have any friends left.  Not ones I ever talk to anyway.  It would be nice though, maybe I’ll cautiously reach out and make one…

Processing your request, Please wait....