For over 5 relentless years, I have wanted to die. I have stayed but not because of hope. I stayed because of fear. I fear hell. A literal one. I see this creator as a tyrant. If I stay, I suffer. If I leave, I rot for an eternity.
Now, it has gotten to the point where my pain is surpassing my fear. It’s almost as if I can literally feel my brain dying. I am unemployed right now and have lost motivation to find work. These thoughts just get darker and I sort of lose track of time. It’s sort of like I’m in limbo right now. I don’t want to do this anymore. I really want to jump off that bridge. I was emasculated in both body and mind. So much of my potential was stripped from me. I never got over it. It broke me. There is so much more to this story. I have written maybe about 6000 notes over the past 5 years (most are lost forever) and even if you were to read them all, you wouldn’t understand how it hurts. It all comes down to being stripped of all my pride. Having my self-esteem crushed. In a word, all my problems can be summed up by the word emasculation.
My willpower used to be incomparable. Now it’s all gone. I am nothing but a shadow of my former self and it always hurts. It always emabarasses me. Too much shame. I will never be the REAL me ever again. I died mentally and all that is left is to die physically.
I used to be a man but I was emasculated and now I am a little boy. It is impossible to break-even. Nothing can make up for my loss. Too much was stripped from me.
25 comments
I can only guess at what you’ve experienced but I’ve gone through something similar/but the circumstances are different. I was very driven when I was younger-I thought I’d make a lot of money and live the life everyone always dreamed of. But years would go by and no progress. I got a good education but never landed a well-paying job, so I was forced to take what I could get and they just made ends meet, couldn’t get ahead.
A few years ago I realized it wasn’t working and that I’d be stuck in a rut and get too old to enjoy life by the time I decided to try something new…so I made a plan to change my life and I don’t regret the decision but I still am nowhere near my goal. It’s the only thing that really gives me some real hope that I can live the life I wanted.
But I can relate to the self-esteem issues. While I’ve been told I’m attractive, I know objectively I’m not, at best I’m above average but I’m flawed. I won’t elaborate because people will just get the wrong idea-but it crushed my spirit when I was very young, my dad took a photo of me when I was around 7 yrs old and I hated my looks and began to hate my parents for putting me here and giving me their genes.
I would’ve been fine if I was objectively attractive/decent looking. But I got a mixed bag (which is why I seem attractive to some people), some positive things some negative and they are key-the negatives I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
In a way though it has worked to my benefit…chances are if I was more attractive I would’ve gotten some girl pregnant and I’d be trapped in a life I hated I’m sure and I’m not too keen on having kids either, way too much work. Only thing that’d make it worthwhile is if you can afford it.
Bottom line though I’m not happy about being alive either. If I could’ve ended my life at 7, I would’ve and saved myself a lot of BS that lead me nowhere in life. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all bad, I had good friends, experienced a lot of things, there were times I was truly happy…but the bad times far outweigh the good.
And the only times I felt good about myself was when I was dating a girl I found beautiful who was attracted to me. That’s the only time I never thought about my looks in a negative way. Anyways if I could sleep now and never wake up again I’d be happy with. I’m so done with life, the struggle, the BS, no payback for it either.
Getting back to you-I’m an Atheist, which means to me all religions are fiction/lies/myths/fairy tales. I don’t believe in gods, heaven/hell, angels or an afterlife because of one word-Evidence. Until there is proof of such things, they are just man-made stories that we invented to try to explain where we come from, why we’re here, etc.
They are not the truth-they’re just fake ideas…so you have nothing to worry about when you die because there is no soul that leaves a body. If there was, scientists would be the first to tell you, not a bunch of retards who push these lies to steal money from gullible people. Ok I probably wrote way too much so I’ll end it here.
Thing is I don’t believe in evolution or abiogenesis.
I have written a lengthy response but I don’t want to make this about religion.
I can sum it up in 2 videos though.(basically). Jargon is kept to a minimum and basically common sense is all that is basically used.
1. https://youtu.be/rRDAY39Zd9M
This one is very easy to understand. Very black and white (aka little room for interpretation)
2. https://youtu.be/i25UJG1S578 this one deals with the rna world (rna world. self-replicating molecule. How self-replicating molecules exist but the right kind needed for abiogenesis to work doesn’t and no evidence that it did exists either)
If I didn’t believe in hell, I would have easily been able to leave. 100% easy. Too bad.
Anyways, I don’t want to make this into a debate.
I don’t really feel like writing a lengthy reply but I’ll go over an overview of 50% that gets to me (Body). It may look like I will go into great detail but it is actually just a very very brief overview.
50% of my problems stem from my body and 50% stem from my mind. Religion is sprinkled among the 2. There is also relegion that causes me great pain so maybe I should give each about 1/3 of 100 as a value.
Here is the brief overview (body):
Age 12: 100 pushups in 1 min and 20 sec without stopping along with other random stuff.
Age 16: 17k pushups in a month (1k in the low 40 min mark woth 45 lb and was only getting faster. They were done in sets. I was able to do 3 consecutive sets of 100 with a 10 second break in between so 4 min and 30 sec for 300. Did one hand/clapping/handstand/diamond pushups.)
51k situps in a month (about 3k without stopping everyother day).
Lifted a 20lb dumbbell around once every 2 seconds without stopping per arm (so about 1,800 times per arm). I think that’s an unofficial wr.
Almost maxed the machines (about 80%-90%)
Etc. Those are just the highlights. 16.5 was the last time I trained before my head got annihalated. I don’t want to go into detail.
Currently 22.
Forgive the strange wording in some parts. I thought I had deleted some parts but apparently not.
Listen, I completely agree with you about how God is a tyrant. I could never agree more
@water
No worries I’m no longer into debates either-there was a time I used to get all fired up to defend Atheism (I’m an ex-Christian, left religion early teens)….but I’ve now reached the point where I truly don’t care. I simply present my side and leave it up to the other party to make up their own mind.
Also I noticed that Atheists and Christians agree on many things like freedom of speech and liberty, democracy etc…there’s just some details we differ on religion and I think that’s a good thing overall.
I think what you’ve done is taken one position and looked for arguments that defend your view without doing the research or learning about the counter-arguments. This is what I’ve noticed in my discussions with Christians, they almost never do oppo-research.
Every point you’ve raised including the videos has already been shot down by experts in those fields. I won’t bother to post sources because you can easily Google them for yourself.
But here is the crux of the disagreement between Theists/Atheists, you see the world through the lens of ‘Belief’ and it’s seen as a virtue to take this on ‘Faith’, that is without any proof or evidence. But you wouldn’t buy a car if the seller says “believe me it’s in mint condition.” So why would you accept without question some crazy ideas in a book with a shady history compiled many centuries ago?
You reject Evolution, even though Science has proven that we evolved from lower organisms but you accept without any evidence there is a magic invisible being in the sky who made a man from dirt and his wife from a rib and they had two sons, one died. Where did his wife come from? How do you get black brown or chinese people when the parents were genetically white and there is ‘no’ evolution? Are you going to use ‘magic’ to explain all these discrepancies?
What I mean to say is you take on faith the laughable claims (like talking snakes/donkeys, virgin births, food falling from the sky, etc) from an obscure mythology text which was obviously created to enslave, oppress and rob people by popes, kings and other unscrupulous people.
Yet you reject science-the most powerful tool for discovering the truth that’s allowed us to enjoy the high standard of living we enjoy today. Without science there’s no polio vaccine/antibiotics, no internet, no electricity, technology, etc. We’d be living in the Dark Ages still.
I’d advise scrutinizing your own beliefs as diligently as you do scientific claims and you’ll quickly realize which one is the real truth and which is BS. I can’t believe we live in the 21st century and people still cling to these fairy tales from 2000 years ago.
You realize the Bible states the Earth is flat and it’s the center of the universe right? And it also condones slavery, genocide, incest and so forth. If it’s wrong on those simple facts and if you believe it was ‘inspired by god’ either God’s an idiot or the people who wrote these books were and there is no God.
Think about it logically, what the most likely answer? An invisible sky daddy sent his ‘message’ to a tiny tribe in the mideast and ignored the billions of other people on the planet (like Hindus, Buddhists, etc) or it’s all a scam. I could go on but hopefully I made my point clear.
As I understand you were very athletic before but something happened which changed all that. Well you’re no less a man just because you can’t do 1000 push-ups. Being a man is more than being muscular, it’s about being educated, rational, responsible, mature, holding down a good job and so forth. Don’t let anyone else define what is a man to you.
When I was in my late teens I was a skinny kid and one girl joked about me being skinny. It bothered me but I always intended to get well built and I became very muscular in my 20s during university (the gym was my second home). I wasn’t able to keep working out cause of my studies, but I realized that being a man was what I decided, not what others thought.
Long story short, I trained every.single.day in a methodical way for 4.5 years (unless I was very ill). Everyday for HOURS.
Usually 3 or more. I trained in every single way possible. EVERY SINGLE WAY I could think if.
I was obsessed with dominance, will power, and masculinity. I was obsessed more than most could ever know. I honestly feel like I was the most obsessed person to have EVER been born. That routine I mentioned (age 16) was just the starting point to something more. I was going to double that the month afterwards then double of that.
I won’t lie. I was concieted. I was prideful. It was because of my confidence that I was even functional to begin with. I had a 4.13 on time when I used to go to highschool. I was obsessed eith my body. It was a good obsession because it affected my study habits but then I broke.
It screwed uo EVERYTHING. I was going to go to ucr for env. Engineering but I cancelled my admissions and shortly afterwards tried to kill myself. I was sent to the mental institute for 2 weeks. Etc. Etc. It’s such a long story. I eventually ended up trying to die again and went to a different mental institute.
I went from feeling like I could major in ANYTHING (because that is how confident I was. SUPER confident) to feeling like a complete LOSER. My head got ruined. I got so screwed up in the head and after 5 years, it is too late.
A am a junior right now and it’s very possible to graduate with 0 debt. It’s an online accredited degree so I can work full-time now but the market is trash of course. I also have a background in this other thing but I hate it so I hardly count it. This isn’t what I wanted but oh well. My ego is too broken to handle a very challenging major now (cs/eng./etc.).
Anyways, I am leaving out a lot of info but really, this is lengthy enough.
To add a bit more: I hate luck (genetics and resources = luck. If you aren’t born lucky enough, you are better off dead).
I hate how genes act as a limiting factor as well. Even if you have immense will power, your genes limit you.
I also find this world to be depresing simply for being finite.
The list goes on and on. I hate the inefficient school system (how there is way to much emphasis to general ed instes dof having emphasis on specific knowledge to make one more employable). Btw around 80% of a human’s brain is fully developedby the age 2-3. I DON’T believe in highschools and regret not just starting college as a 14 year old. I wish I had gotten a g.e.d. instesd of waste 4 years for toilet paper.
(Funny thing is I TRIED and it is actually POSSIBLE but I lacked the resources so it didn’t happen).
I had ZERO support in this life. My potential in bothbody and mind is SQUANDERED. All I ever think about are the “what ifs” in life. What if someone helped me unlock my full potential? Now it’s all gone.
I had quite a few cute girls flirt with me but that isn’t what I wanted from life. I am too innocent for those things anyways.
I used to be so simple. I used to live by a simple ultimatum. To do or die. To unlock my full potential in both body and mind or die. I was very easy to motivate by in the same time I was very easy to break.
@water
I hear what you’re saying and wish I had the right advice for you but your situation seems fairly complicated and I’m not sure what derailed all your plans. It seems you were on a good path though I think you were pushing yourself pretty hard for exercising-but to each his own.
From what I’ve gathered you still have your health but were derailed because someone might’ve said or done something that made you question your manhood, if I understood correctly. Frankly if no health issue is stopping you, perhaps you could complete your university studies so you can have a career in your chosen field.
For myself, I’ve already done what I wanted to do-at least in terms of getting my education and I don’t really see a great future for myself-just more of the same I’ve had for the last 40 plus years in my life-which is why I’d be fine with ending my life. It seems you’re still young and have a chance to (excuse the cliche) hit the reset button.
Ofc I’m not in your head and don’t fully understand your situation so it’s something you have to decide for yourself…but if I could be 22 again, I’d take that chance and do things better (assuming I had all the same knowledge I do now). I hope you’re able to consider another alternative.
I have looked at both sides because I used to believe in evolution. I was an evolutionist first. Not anymore.
Interesting. There are scientists that are now accepting spirituality. I guess those aren’t scientists, right? ‘Because scientists focus more on what can be seen and touched. but, it’s funny, because we believe in oxygen, yet we can’t see or touch that either. ultimately, i believe it all boils down to faith, despite “evidence” or not. evolution is a lie sold to man to make us feel insignificant. can’t trust anyone. we’re under a veil of deceit.
Long story short, beneficial mutations + natural selection = evolution. If you click on the first vid and just see how the eye works (yes, he mentions how evolutionists argue for it and critiques it), it will make sense. It’s really basic stuff.
Like I said, I don’t want to make this into a debate. I have done so many and in the end it got nowhere. Literally no progress.
Don’t try to make it seem like atheism is more believable because I’ve been there done that. In the end, I’ll just say you believe what you want.
I am not biased. If anything, I am biased AGAINST a creator because I get 0 benefit from one existing. A creator is a HINDRANCE to me. Again, I don’t believe we poofed into existance pointlessly just to die off (limiting factors exist such as culmulative mutations which is slowly degrading DNA every generation, how the sun will eventually go super nova, etc.).
Basically it is like comparing the diameter of the beach to an atom. A long distance of nothing, then a dot (us), then a bunch of nothing for all eternity.
It is too random. I would like to believe it but it sounds too unrealistic to me (understatement).
@suicidaldreamer
You’re confusing Science, with scientists. Science is a methodology for discovering truth, it’s founded on the philosophies of Rationalism (using logic/reason) and Empiricism (testable/provable, detectable by the senses).
Based on research info, the overwhelming majority of scientists are Atheists, well over 90% from what I recall. Obviously some scientists were born into religious households so they’d be brainwashed with the same cult as their parents were. Other scientists suspend rational/scientific thinking and join religion or get into magic crystals.
All that shows us is the propensity for humanity illogic/irrationality. I know a few people with high level degrees and while they’re competent in their field, they are fools when it comes to other areas. Does that discredit science or validate superstition? Of course not.
We don’t “believe” in oxygen, we ‘know’ O2 exists because we have tested for it and produced it. Prior to O2 scientists theorized an imaginary substance called ‘phlogiston’ that was released during combustion-but later they realized it doesn’t exist and that they were looking for an oxidizing agent/gas, which ofc we now know as O2.
Why would you feel insignificant because of Evolution? In fact we are one of the most evolved creatures on the planet. Science doesn’t care about your feelings-we don’t construct models of the world/universe to make you feel good about yourself. That’s just another example of how absurd religion is…the egocentric notion that the universe was made for us.
Yet the more we discover the more we realize we’re insignificant compared to the size of the universe-we’re on one tiny planet in a galaxy with 200 billion stars in a universe with 300 billion galaxies and perhaps we’re in a multiverse. I think that’s awe-inspiring.
It’s certainly a lot better than believing there’s a Saddam Hussein in the cosmos watching/judging us and prepared a place for eternal torture for finite crimes. It’s nonsense, all of it.
And to tie up a last point, there is only the physical universe and nothing beyond it. There is no soul, supernatural realm, no smurfs, no sky-daddies. The only place your God exists is in a book and in your imagination-he doesn’t exist in reality, just like Spiderman, Zeus, Thor or the other fictional characters we invented.
Yes I know it’s hard to believe-because it’s been drilled into your head since before you could think for yourself and every time you met your co-religionists, you’d repeat the same stories and myths to each other, but the fact is, that it’s all made up. Pure fiction.
Also, thing is I didn’t care what others thought of me.
I had a methodical routine and it worked for me.
School, come home, rest for an hr (more like meditate), train for about 3 or so hours, study, repeat.
I have taken 28 units at once before and avergaged a 3.0. I know how to manage my time.
The issue here is how much training meant to me. I could have been the only human alive and it still would have been my ultimate obsession.
I wanted to break world records (I think I “created” on unofficially with the dumbbells) but not for acknowledgement. I wanted to do it to prove to myaelf that my will power was the kost dominant.
NOTHING elae gives me meaning. Literally nothing elae satisfies me.
I NEED this. Too bad. This is one of those things I refuse to get over. This wasn’t a hobby, this was my identity.
What a man is varies as it is an arbitrary concept to an extent. In my eyes, will power was all that mattered. Sure I was interested in difficult majors but it definitely wasn’t for the money or prestige. I just wanted to challenge myself. Now I can’t describe what happened to me.
There are just some things I can’t put into words.
Spelling mistakes.. I tend to do them when on mobile.
I simply use common sense and try to understand the way it’s supposed to work.
This is going to go nowhere. I’m telling you know.
You are downplaying anyone who criticises evolution. I don’t really care about majority opinion and simply go by raw examples. Really, if you can understand the first vid, you will understand how evolution runs to dead ends (points where NATURAL SELECTION won’t be able to fixate for a trait).
No natural selection = dead end.
I personally could go into greater detail.as to why it is illogical to me but I think it’s pointless. I could just copy and paste some long arguments explaining the logic of it and whu it makes no sense to me but it will be an endless cycle of “no, I am right”.
If you looked at the first vid, the guy mentions nkthint but facts.
4 main parts to an eye. Retina, optic nerve, code, visual cortex.
Retina makes the code. Code travels through the optic nerve. From the optic nerve, the code goes to the visual cortex where it is decoded and an image is manufactured. Technically it’s 3 parts because the retina forms the code.
Anyways, imagine “evolving” 2/3 parts (if anything, I am giving too much of a handicap to evolution by doing this).
If you have the retina and optic nerve, the code won’t be decoded and an image won’t be manufactured since that can only be done by the visual cortex.
If you have the optic nerve and the visual cortex, you won’t have a code to work with in the fiest place.
If you have the retina and the visual vortex, you won’t have a path inbetween (because the optic nerve basically acts as a path for the two).
An eye that cannot see has ZERO function.
Zero function means natueal selection won’t fixate for it.
No natural selection = dead end for evolution since natural selection is the main driving force for evolution to even take place to begin with.
“The creator is a tyrant.”- I TOTALLY agree!
FUCK GOD!!!!!!!
Yes. “I brought you into this world to suffer and if you leave, I’ll burn you for an eternity. What’s that? You didn’t get to choose to be a part of my little game? Doesn’t matter. You want to opt out and not go to heaven or hell? I don’t care. You are a toy and I want to break you.”
I’m not good at writing down how I feel. This post made me cry until the end cause this is exactly how I feel. I can never become me again.
Yes. Being a shadow of your former self hurts a lot. I feel like a different person altogether.
I’m just broke as you and find no motivation to look for a job. I live in darkness and have no track of time. I’m glad I read your post today.
Why is it that whenever theist apologists talk about RNA or DNA, they seem to conflate metaphor with reality and call the two chemicals ‘codes’? Complexity is built on a foundation of disparate simplicity that grows and exchanges, like fractals expanding outward, or ripples on a pond interacting with other ripples. You don’t start with one ripple, then impose another on top of it, or linked to it. Reality isn’t modular like that.
The eye example I used was very simple to understand.
I used big picture logic because that is all you need to get it.
Basically it’s a simple argument.
There are 3 main physical parts to an eye.
Even IF we evolved 2/3 of the parts needed (which again, is giving too much of a handicap to evolution as is), the eye would have no function. Period.
Just picture how the eye works. I think the problem is people get too lost in terminology and can’t picture how biology works in their head. I even explaoned it in my last post (a few typos, but it’s still understandable)
I also think most people don’t get that you NEED natural selection for evolution to even begin to work. I ask people how they think evolution works yet they don’t answer it.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/faq/cat01.html
Read 7. Pbs is biased TOWARDS evolution btw. And the 2 sources I used above were from agnostics.
An eye without all 3 parts I just mentioned CAN’T SEE.
That makes it have ZERO function.
No function = no natural selection = no evolution.
Very basic stuff.
There were many, many different religions out there, before christianity took over in the west, and many are still out there. Just because christianity won the fight over america/europe, doesn’t mean it’s the true religion. Doesn’t mean hell that is taught in church is correct or even a thing. Don’t let it control you.
There are only 2 options.
1. We poofed for literally no reason just to die (since we WILL eventually go extinct)
2. We were designed
If you actually understood the big picture logic of evolution (how it needs natural selection to even work), then you could see why jt makes no sense at crucial points.
That defaults to a creator. Don’t just be am athesist because you prefer being closed minded. I believe in what sounds logical to me, not in “what I want”.
As to why I believe in the christian creator out of all others, that ons I admit is not so factual. It could very well be because I was influenced by this society.
My belief in a crator is more factual than anything. My belief in the identity of the creator is more so for opinionated reasons admittedly.