Pain surpassing my fear of hell

September 17th, 2017by water

For over 5 relentless years, I have wanted to die. I have stayed but not because of hope. I stayed because of fear. I fear hell. A literal one. I see this creator as a tyrant. If I stay, I suffer. If I leave, I rot for an eternity.

Now, it has gotten to the point where my pain is surpassing my fear. It’s almost as if I can literally feel my brain dying. I am unemployed right now and have lost motivation to find work. These thoughts just get darker and I sort of lose track of time. It’s sort of like I’m in limbo right now. I don’t want to do this anymore. I really want to jump off that bridge. I was emasculated in both body and mind. So much of my potential was stripped from me. I never got over it. It broke me. There is so much more to this story. I have written maybe about 6000 notes over the past 5 years (most are lost forever) and even if you were to read them all, you wouldn’t understand how it hurts. It all comes down to being stripped of all my pride. Having my self-esteem crushed. In a word, all my problems can be summed up by the word emasculation.

My willpower used to be incomparable. Now it’s all gone. I am nothing but a shadow of my former self and it always hurts. It always emabarasses me. Too much shame. I will never be the REAL me ever again. I died mentally and all that is left is to die physically.

I used to be a man but I was emasculated and now I am a little boy. It is impossible to break-even. Nothing can make up for my loss. Too much was stripped from me.

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