I wonder when things will become easier to discuss with people. When will I be able to comfortably talk about my depression and the darkest part of my brain to another person? I recently had a huge problem that brought this problem to light, wondering how many other people. such as yourselfs, struggle with this as well. The understanding. Relatability. Willingness to listen without judgement. I’ll explain my situation to you all;
So my family and I have been on and off with our relationship, one second we get along, laugh, have a great time. Another second we are butting heads and completely at odds with each other. This specific day, I was supposed to be out but my plans ended up a flop. I live in my basement so they never notice if I’m home or not anyways. So they assumed I wasn’t, and I overheard them screaming about me and my stepmother called me a “little *****” because I didn’t empty the dishwasher (despite me doing it almost every single time without thanks) so by me not doing it, it was the end of the world as we know it. So that was happening above me, and I was stewing downstairs just pacing, getting angrier by the second and finally she said something along the lines of “This is why I never wanted her here” and I lost it. I got dressed and stormed out of the house, slamming every door possible and I left for about 2 hours as my phone was dying and it was quite dark. (Worst fear) aha. So, after all this happens… I confided in my lovely boyfriend who cares insanely that it’s probably his downfall at the same time. Anytime I mention suicide, wanting to die, and anything really depression talk, it suddenly becomes personal to him. I was crying and just so depressed and lost and he asked me what was wrong and to open up so I did. My words were “I just don’t think I’m meant to be alive” and that was all it took. He ignored me for the rest of the night. So if my parents screaming about me wasn’t enough now my boyfriend who should be there for me took my depression personal.
We finally spoke the next day and he said something about how ‘All i ever do is talk about leaving him’ (by dying) and I got so mad. Selfish eh? As if my depression and suicidal thoughts got turned around and now it’s all about him. I wasn’t depressed about anything relating to him but it was all about him then. Man I was livid. (We’re totally fine now after I lost my shit on him for it and he realized he was in the wrong)
So now I’ve realized that so many people must face the same misunderstanding as I do with confessing their depressing thoughts to others. It never ends well. Everyone thinks that suicide is selfish but making your “you have more to live for” speech completely about how their suicide would affect you is just so much worse. Anyone relate?
4 comments
I agree… I’m one of those people who have a pretty loving family. I want to commit suicide purely because of my own decisions …mistakes I’ve made and pretty much just because I hate who I am… but no one seems to get that.. they tell me to just move on.. or they say what about all the good things? Or “I wish I had people who cared about me, you have that..” but they don’t get that even tho I am grateful for those things… it doesn’t change the pain I feel inside.. we don’t want to do this to our loved ones… but it happens … besides my family no one else really cares about me, they only use me for what they want and then dispose of me when they’re done. It sucks.. and no one gets it..
YES to everything you said. It’s so infuriating when people turn everything around to be about them. Even your death! Wouldnt it be funny if ER doctors were like that, you get wheeled in on a stretcher after some horrible car crash and the doctor starts complaining about you ruining their day and getting blood on their clean floor, and if your vital signs start dropping they yell at you for being selfish. Well that’s how we are treated because we suffer from the nonexistent disease that no one can see. I’m glad your boyfriend finally saw the error of his ways even if you had to lose your shit on him. Most people can’t figure it out even if you spell it out for them. Thanks for this rant, I feel like you got a lot off my chest lol
You are so very right!
It’s true you can’t go into your suicidal feelings without a significant other taking it personally. They make you feel worst about your depression. If you talk about not wanting to be here, they take that as meaning you don’t love them. A reason why I stayed away from relationships for a while. There’s only loneliness on the other side though so it feels like a no-win situation. There is no hiding my depression all the time from a partner. That’s impossible, but it cannot be openly discussed much. Makes it very frustrating to keep it to yourself…or you have to come here to vent inevitably.
Same thing happened with my family today. I told my mom I don’t feel well and she brought up the kitchen anyway. I am the only one who cleans it all the time. There are other people who can do it for once. I really don’t care.