Sorry about this rant

Your posts go back a while so I had to do some catching up. I don’t see you reply to most of them, so I can’t tell if you come back to read the comments, but assuming you do, here you go.

Starting with getting this post out of the way:

Not the answer you will want to hear, but if you “loved” him in the way you are asking about, I think you would just know. You wouldn’t ask. That being said, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t be happy with him (or someone). There are many kinds of love and I’m not convinced the typical Disney version is all too real anyway. At least not in the long run. I mean, it’s easy to get the flutters and starry eyes with many people for a while. But how often does that feeling really last? The relationships can last. The respect can last. The desire to make the other person happy can last. But the fainting princess and perfect prince…no. And if it is real somewhere, I am fairly certain it’s not common and certainly not necessary. Don’t base your happiness on waiting for something you think you should feel, base it on just what you do. It would be flat out wrong to state that every arranged marriage was loveless, but they didn’t get started because of feeling that “love”.

Now, combining this post with the rest.

I haven’t pinned your age. You took a long break from here last year so I think you might be early college? Life has just barely hit drive. You might even still be reversing out of the driveway. My opinion, for whatever little it’s worth, but since you asked? That relationship you are in is not very healthy for you. I would put money down that there are people in your future that are going to go out of their way to make all of their time available in the hopes you will want to give them some of your precious attention. You won’t be wanting them to pay more attention, you will probably have too much. This jealousy, anxiety crap because your partner is going out without you…this is a very bad sign but also a very good indication that you either don’t want to waste your time with whomever is causing it, or more likely you yourself aren’t ready for this person to be the one. Chalk it up to building your life experience. Take away something from every relationship as a lesson in what not to do, who not to be with, and what’s not worth feeling so that over time you will refine yourself and will have no doubt on who should be your ideal partner. If this is the same BF you talked about in May, take it from a guy who has been that guy, saying “I love you” means nothing. Hell, we might think we believe it but we also use it as a leash. Not maliciously – it actually takes quite a lot of work to realize it. And women do it too, its unisex. How often have you said those words in hopes of prompting them to be said back? Maybe when a bit insecure, or anxious? Once that stops happening, you won’t be asking other people how to know what love is. The other things you noticed like doing other things and not paying attention while talking even though you are long distance…I’m not saying you should end the relationship, just that I hope you don’t get too down about it when it might eventually happen. If it does, learn from it and make the next one that much better.

I didn’t get why your parents would be that disappointed with all the accomplishments you listed in your so very young life so far. If being the captain of multiple teams, and first chair in music, solid A’s and GPA off the charts etc is a disappointment, no one would be good enough so at least You can be sure it wasn’t you. Clearly there’s some serious cross-culture contamination making your life very confusing. For a while it appeared your parents were raised in a different place than they raised you and doing what their culture expects them to do. It’s no excuse these days but is also no indication of your worth. Then there was a much more escalated and alarming group of posts about some serious abuse. If you have gotten away now, good. I only bring it all up because that missing love growing up will obviously make you want to seek out the missing attention or affection elsewhere. It felt terrible to be alone and unloved for so long when you should have been, that it only makes sense to make sure you have it now. Don’t let that make you jump into anything too soon or too deep though. And don’t fucking settle. From what I’ve read, you deserve the best of the best and you certainly have the brains and ethic to land it. It’s ok to work on yourself for a while, there is no shortage of men in line. The end goal is happiness, don’t force it or it won’t be lasting.

Lastly, you say you aren’t wanting to die anymore. That’s wonderful. Please tell me it has nothing to do with the/a boyfriend though. If it does, you really should get out of the relationship immediately and get to that state of mind on your own. As difficult as it might be, it needs to be done. But hopefully it has nothing to do with that and you’ve already figured it out.