One side of me feels lonely, and one feels relieved.
Ive just built up too big a wall to really enjoy having a partner for much more than that honeymoon period. I remember starting relationships and loving affection going to actually shuddering (seriously) every time they touched me after a period of time. And I never broke things off myself, I waited in misery until I got rejected. Which of course was going to happen – who the hell wants to be with someone who shudders at your touch? One time I even felt, truly truly felt, that weight of the world lift off my shoulders when I was finally dumped. I had hated this person for years but did nothing about it. But even though my body told me it was a wonderful moment that I had been waiting for, my mind went into panic mode over the rejection I so desperately needed.
So I feel like I must be a failure if I am alone. Something that I think comes from what I subconsciously believe society sees as to what a normal life should look like. I must be lonely, because I am alone. But then even now thinking of starting up another relationship makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think I really want to have somebody here, I want my space to myself. I know I don’t really want to meet or date or take care of anyone, but I feel like I need to, which forces me to be miserable until I do.
What the hell do I really want? What do I really need? Why?
3 comments
This was a problem I used to struggle with for a while. I used to think that if I didn’t meet all of society’s expectations, like have a good job/wife/house, etc that I was a big loser/failure in life.
However once you’ve gone through it, then you wonder what the hell were you thinking and why did that even matter, esp. with relationships.
In my late 20s my friends were hooking up, some were getting married and they wondered when I planned to do the same. But for me while I did want a partner, I was more focused on my career. And I realized there’s no point trying to date if you didn’t have a good income and stability.
Then I saw the problems that people had in their relationships-particularly family members and realized it’s all a facade-like pretty much most things in life. I was happy that I didn’t get tied down with someone have kids, struggle through bad jobs to make ends meet.
So while I do experience loneliness on the occasion, I’d rather have that than to be with someone I don’t like or be raising kids on a low income job. Being single, I have my freedom, peace of mind and no major responsibilities/headaches.
Down the line when I have my income situation sorted out, get a nice home, then I’ll get back into the dating scene. So bottom line, I’m living for myself, not to impress anyone or ‘keep up with the Jones.’ I could care less what people think of me and most of them regret their own life decisions and also getting married/having kids…some just lie about it.
So if you’re with someone who makes you ‘shudder’ then ofc you should’ve left that person ages ago. Get into a relationship because you like that person, not because you feel that you have to keep up appearances. Just my humble opinion.
Oh goody, my post goes into moderation and it contains nothing offense. Not to mention I barely ever post here anymore.
Are the admins trying to turn certain people you don’t like away from your site or are you making it so annoying to use that everyone will leave it?
I don’t know, but if you actually have a choice in the matter then you’re doing better than I am. I don’t have the chance to be in a relationship, because no one likes me.