Strength, and victim.

September 11th, 2017by Urm8451n

I never thought I would get here. I mean either to the fact of “getting through horrible experiences”, and to “getting over obstacles”.

To be honest, at first it was easy for me feeling like a victim. “Winning” the lottery to go through shitty life, odds must be like a 1 to 500,000 .  But after awhile, I got over the feeling of being a victim. I started focusing on how to end the pain. I understood that I want to achieve great goals, and be able to be completely independent. And I knew 1 thing for sure – the independence will be concurred easily by having a lot of money .

So right now, I’m fighting poverty, and learning disabilities in order to succeed at my studies. (This has no relation to harsh life obstacles I have to confront ). My studies will allow me freedom and to change everything. It’s like to start over haha.

Due to excessive energy and time investment, I find my self at age 20 so isolated and betrayed by many friends. Either way if their intentions were mean or good, I’m lonely.
This has started to do a number on me. I feel myself slowly sinking down the well of depression.  I also started experiencing sanity loss: tough times at sleeping, Eating disorder, Loudly speaking to myself, Swearing out loud, Saying out load “I need to kill myself” (and I’m not feeling suicidal). I started having from time to time horror nightmares on regular basis, and forget most of my other dreams (usually I remember them). I feel naive toward any (even personal) disasters.  I feel paranoid a bit. I don’t trust no man – I don’t show it, but I have got to the point I’m intelligently not trusting  anyone, as if I’m following the qoute “Stay close to your enemies”.

I know that the experience I lost in the last 3 years, and my whole fucked up childhood is not fixable. I know I missed things I would never experience and I know can never change the past. But I found myself a truly working (at least for me) coping mechanism.

I believe that with all the chaos I been through, I did have great opportunities to study and learn how to deal with life obstacles – and that is what I did.
I learned about finance, and independence. I know how to manage a house, and how to fix things at it. I learned how to speak, and talk to people (managers/friends/customers/public systems). I learned that “I’m not losing, if I keep standing on my feet after falling” and that there is always a second chance – I should never give up.

I’m sad that I lost friends, love (gf), innocence, sanity (yup), and even more down on the fact that I had to push away my hobbies (parkour, skateboards, surfing, hiking).
BUT , even then, I know I could do these stuff later on, right after I’ll finish my studies, and get a well paid job, perhaps move outside of the coutnry, and gain more money at universal company.

Stay strong, be brave – Jac.

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