… is the biggest bullsh*t I’ve discovered in life to date.
I grew up believing this. I even had relationships where I felt the other person was that someone. As I grow older, the wiser I become about this saying. I was taught to believe that we were made in twos. I used to joke to myself that she died at birth that’s why she’s not here right now. Or I will meet her 5 minutes before I die. I half heartedly believed will I live alone because of this. But now, I seriously believe more than ever that I will end up alone. It’s because I’ll be turning 36 in 2 months. I feel myself giving up hope that I will have someone. I’ve subconsciously and consciously have started to make preparations for a life of being single. One of these things is starting to post on SP. 7 years of visiting this site on and off and I’ve never felt the need to post or comment. I was just grateful knowing that I wasn’t alone in this world, that other suffers like I do. I thought one day I will be able to share my life with someone and share my thoughts with them too. Now, I’m afraid I won’t get this. I’m starting to even get feelings of not wanting to be with anyone. Because they won’t be that person that I expect. That maybe people only get together not because they’re meant to be with each other. But because they can’t stand to be alone. I sound so naive as I write this.
I read posts here from people who are older than me and also single. I can really relate to them. I feel for them. Some have been single for a long time. They appreciate how lonely one can be. Dare I say, they probably would also like to have someone too if it was up to them.
Anyway, I’m whingeing because there was once a time where I wasn’t depressed or suicidal. It lasted about 2 years. The person I was with during that was the cure to all my problems. In my head, I used to refer to her as my medicine. That I was grateful for having her. That she chose me. She was a Godsend. I was grateful to God to have her. I didn’t think I would revert back to type after we finished. But now l think God wanted to remind me that I will always be who I was and who I am now. That I didn’t deserve to be happy or have someone like this. The fu*ked up thing is that I know I won’t get anything better than what I had with her. I was cured for 2 years. How many of us would give to be in that lucky position I was in. Two years of no pain, no void, no suffering, no depression, no suicidal thoughts, no voices, etc. In fact the I was doing the exact opposite and actually achieving everything I had hoped and dreamed of. I’ve had a taste of being normal. Now I want that back. I don’t think it will ever happen again.
I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone in what I’ve said in this post.
19 comments
Love comes when you least expect it. I hope that 1 day the person that makes you feel “normal” will find you and show you how beautiful life can be.
I’m pissed off more about the fact that I’ll never feel normal again. Not even if I got back with her. I can’t imagine I will experience that again with anyone else either because I feel like that splitting up has broken me. Thank you for your kind words though.
I’ve been single for a little over a decade. If there’s one thing I’ve forever had trouble understanding about other people it’s this. I’m not criticizing, or ridiculing, but I just don’t understand this need for romantic companionship. I can’t put myself in a mental space where it makes sense. Maybe I’m just not enough of a romantic. So with that all in mind – why is it you seem to relate feeling, ‘normal,’ and happy with being in love / in a relationship with someone?
I suppose I should I clarify. Growing up, I always believed in the “one”. The one who completes you and made for you by God (I believe in God, religion and this kind of thing). This was the only relationship I had felt “normal” . All my other relationships I was still me. In those other relationships I was still my “abnormal” self . This particular relationship was the only time I didn’t feel depressed or suicidal. I actually wanted to live. I was actually happy.
Isn’t the feeling of wanting to live ‘normal’.
It was actually a 3 year relationship. It took a year to for me to change. Then 2 years of normality. When I say normality/normal, I mean the feeling of wanting to live. Surely we all agree the feeling of wanting to die is abnormal (?).
Everyone wants to die, just not everyone realizes it, or can notice it to the extent that they’re able to describe it in words or understand its effects. We all want to live, too, which is why we’re still here. I can understand having that established at an early age – the idea that God has predestined a partner for each person, like a type of Adam and Eve, but why should happiness be hinged on that? It’s a fractional aspect of life. It sounds like a lofty expectation that would be hard to fulfill in reality.
It’s funny you said that everyone wants to die. I would love to have had you meet her.
Me and her would joke about her desire to live past 100. That she loved life so much. She never wants it to end. She would go gym almost every day, eat super healthy, take vitamins, have regular dental and medical check ups all because she wanted a long life and was afraid to die. Her personality was happy go lucky and refused to stress over anything. If you met her, I think she would change your in belief that everyone wants to die after a conversation. In the first year of our relationship, I sent her a few posts from SP. She refused to read anymore. She couldn’t understand why people would want to kill themselves. That she could never do that. No matter how bad things get. She was sad for us but believed that life had so much to offer. That we could choose to do anything we wanted that makes us happy. That everything thing she does in her life is what makes her happy. So why are we doing things that makes sad.
A fear of death comes from an unexplored longing for self-negation, erasing oneself and one’s influence on the world. It’s like when people make a mistake and immediately retreat from it. There are variants of OCD revolving around health issues because of this same tendency taken to an extreme. When I say everyone wants to die, I don’t mean in an active, constant, deep-seated sort of way, but more in a subtle, inexplicable way. Most people aren’t aware of it. If their self-consciousness bubbles too frequently above the surface, then it might find a more focused expression. ‘Normal’ people retreat from those of us who aren’t afraid of expressing suicidal thoughts because there is a kernel of likeness buried in their own minds, and it’s terrifying to them. They haven’t explored that realm, and only know it exists from the chills they get when confronted by it in someone else. Death is frightening not only because it’s unknown, but because we all have an affinity for it on some level.
Totally agree with this post. Well actually I do believe each person has a soulmate or several out there, but that’s like saying there’s intelligent life in outer space. Sure, could be, but they’re 698999 trillion light years away and we can’t get our shit together even if they find us first lol.
So I wanted to ask why you can’t be happy with your ex again. Forgiveness problems (either you or her)? I had a bad breakup and every day I remind myself how nasty things got so it can never happen again. But maybe that’s the wrong way to go about it. Maybe if you were once happy, then it’s worth trying again even if that means swallowing your pride and exercising true forgiveness… or if you were the one who screwed up then maybe it’s worth crawling on your belly a little. Idk I’m not the person to be giving love advice, nor anyone else here probably…
We’re 2 different cultures and races. Her background I. E. Family and friends were less accepting of me. They always wanted her to get back with her ex boyfriend who she was with for over a decade. She’s back with him now. We argued a lot after the split as well. Hurt each other a lot too in those arguments.
I was being too kind by saying “less accepting of me”. They actively discouraged our relationship and threatened to break bonds with her if we got married. Made every attempt to force her back with her ex.
Oh I totally get it now. When you’re up against xenophobic/racist cultures like that, you can only hope she’d have enough sense to break away from them. And if she doesn’t, that just proves she’s as bad as they are. I guess you could say good riddance but that doesn’t help your current situation. There’s always the “lots of fish in the sea” attitude but I never liked that saying so I won’t try pushing it on you :p
“But now l think God wanted to remind me that I will always be who I was and who I am now.”
I like this. I see more clearly now than ever before that I have limitations, and a relationship is WAY beyond my scope of possibility. I am too selfish, too immature, all at the age of 53. Years of blaming all the “hers” and “shes” for their shortcomings, for not giving me what I need, and now, I see it is me, always has been, always will be.
Some people can dunk basketballs. Some can teach languages, some can practice law, others can formulate a theory of relativity. Not everyone can have someone else, though, and when society depicts only the succesful and happy as being one half of a couple, it’s salt on an open wound of hurt and rejection.
Thank you Once. I found your last paragraph enlightening. It’s made me realise how big a part society has a role in when it comes to couples. Hope you and Hooks are keeping well.
It’s hard when you’re single and feel lonely. Try to focus on the goodness of God. He blessed you with that relationship where you felt happy and “normal”. Instead of feeling defeated, it’s up to you to believe that you will be happy again! It didn’t work out because it wasn’t meant to. Let it go. Something better is on the way.
Thank you for words of encouragement. I’ll be referring to your comment whenever I feel down about this relationship. Thumbs up 🙂
You’re living my life except that I’m 47 now and have been single for 8 years. I always believed in “the one” as well. I did the same thing as you. I met a girl when I was 30 and just like in The Matrix she was “the one”. We were together 7 years. The first 5 years I was “normal”. No meds, no therapists, no bullshit. I thought this would last forever…it didn’t. Over time my madness set in once again and I lost the only chance I had at a normal life. Now I spend my days working my ass off and posting the insanity of my mind to a web site just to feel a bit better about life. One thing I can say is that you are still young my friend. It may not be too late. For me I have zero desire to be with anyone else. Other people are just a new trigger for my anxiety. I don’t need anyone. Do what makes you happy and if dating is what you want then go for it! Please keep us posted my friend.
It’s weird how you mentioned that “over time my madness set in” and “thought it would last forever”. I actually had the same thoughts. I’m a natural worrier. When things started getting serious when we started talking about the future, I actually did worry about reverting back to type over time. But I stopped worrying because I hoped that it wouldn’t happen while she was by my side. So I did think it would last forever. Weird how similar our type all think.
Amen to that my brother. Stay strong. You will have better days. They don’t always last but hold them tight when you get them.
I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve learned and matured over the years. How little I used to know about the world and myself. I wish I had this knowledge when I was younger, but my parents were idiots and taught me very little-I had to learn nearly everything on my own.
When I was younger I’d be upset over being single, imagined finding ms right and we’d live happily ever after. But I realized life is hard and I was very immature there-had many problems to fix.
I’m in my 40s now and I’m focused on getting established and plan to have relationships after. I’m quite content being single. I feel no need or desire to live up to other people’s standards nor do I feel any anxiety because of it. Yes on occasion I do feel lonely and miss being in a relationship but the feelings are fleeting.
I realized I’d much rather find my life partner when I’m financially stable than to find that person but be struggling to survive, which would make us both unhappy. I dated a number of girls through high school and university and am very grateful for those memories/experiences.
But when parents tell kids to wait till they’re older to date, they’re exactly right. Relationships are so much more than just love, good feelings, companionship, etc, the ‘intangibles’…the ‘tangibles’ like a good job/home/car, etc matter just as much if not more imo.
Also when you learn to be comfortable being single/alone, then you won’t make bad decisions and chase after people who might not be good for you.