where do i start?

back in march 2015, my best friend (really my only friend) died. i was 16 years old and of course, it destroyed me. i didnt leave my room for months, did terrible in school, my father had to force me to eat something most days, i never knew i could cry so much every single day.

i still feel that pain every day two years later. ive moved in with my grandparents, started taking antidepressants. i got slightly happy for a quick minute.

i met a girl, allie, through bellas death since she was a mutual friend. we instantly became close because of how we both lost bella. she had a boyfriend of a year whenever we first met and a year later, he was moved in with her and all three of us became pretty close.

then one night about a month or two ago, i was staying with the two of them and i woke up in the middle of the night to her boyfriend raping me while i was sleeping. i didnt move and i didnt do anything because of how scared and shocked i was at the fact that it was happening and i was scared that if he knew i was awake, he would kill me.

the next day i told allie about what her piece of shit boyfriend did to me, and she called me a liar. he denied it and acted confused and like i was crazy for even thinking something like that. and a couple of days ago, allies mother messaged me on facebook accusing me of so many ridiculous things that i have honestly never done in my life.

i never thought in a million years something this shitty could possibly happen to me but honestly i should have known it would.

i met a new friend a year ago and even though she called me her best friend, i couldnt say the same because of how bad it hurt to say anyone else could ever bellas place. until a couple of months ago, i finally called her my best friend.

i met a guy and for once i was so happy because he took my mind off of everything and nothing bothered me when i was with him. but little did i know, he cared less about me than i do about living. he stopped talking to me one day and left me confused and heartbroken. all over a guy i never even got the chance to date. all he wanted from me was sex of course. and i was too naive to see it.

so the depression came back even worse this time. i completely forgot what it was like to be genuinely happy. and about five months later, i met another guy. the last thing i wanted was to be hurt by yet another guy. but he knew seanna(the new friend) so i figured maybe this would work out. seanna told me he liked me and i could feel myself almost happy again.

but of course as my life would have it, it didnt work out. i found out two days ago(literally the same day allies mother messaged me) that seanna slept with him last week and ive completely fallen apart again. but this time it seems so much worse and all i ever think about it wanting to die.

my life is literally one big unfortunate event. all i do is cry and feel worthless. i have no friends anymore, im only a little happy whenever im fucked up, i have to wear long sleeves because whenever i have a mental breakdown i run straight to a razor, all i do is lay in my bed and cry and think of ways to end it all but i know im too scared. i honestly just dont know what to do anymore.