Yet I cry out

Why?

Why believe in anything? Anyone? Nothing at all is certain.

I loved a woman once, with all I could. I poured out myself trying to make that work. Yet, that ended. Now I have a fine woman, but she is not my focus. If she were gone, I would go on with no issue. I’m prepared for that.

There is no person on this planet who has not screwed up. There also isn’t a single person without a redeeming quality. This makes sorting or any sort of processing of human beings fundamentally futile.

Then there is the world I see. I have journeyed to madness and back. What I see with my eyes is only what my brain tells me that I see. My brain has lied and is capable of it. Same goes for hearing. Touch is the only sense not corrupted, and I cannot touch much at all practically.

Then there is beyond. I thought I had enough evidence for a supernatural world beyond this one. I thought I was certain.

Now I believe in a God who…… doesn’t…… behave the way I thought he did. There is no one to ask. There is no help. Believers often blindly hold to God existing, but even though I believe so too, blind faith is beyond me these days. How can I hold on when there is nothing to hold on to? The presence that I experienced as God is far from me. I remember believing so fervently. Yet, I am alone.

I have screamed into the darkness, waiting for his arrival. I have been waiting for some answers for decades. Not passive waiting either, active, seeking, BURNING waiting. I have waited when I could hardly stand it. These dreams I have, these things beyond me, are so fucking persistent.

So is the illness, and so is doubt. I don’t even fucking TALK about visions I have anymore, people think I’m crazy. I am, in fact, mentally ill. I have been suffering from diagnosed clinical depression for seven years. I have had ADD (ADHD now) for over twenty. I have had disgraphia, which makes it hard to write or send signals to my hands for my entire life. I suffered from severe anxiety for two years. I had a complete psychotic break with reality 18 months ago and was hospitalized. Surely I am mad.

The questions I have are still valid. There must be a sane and rational approach to this as there is to everything else. If God does take personal involvement in people’s lives, surely it would be known about, right?

It fucking drives me nuts when people say shit like “All things are possible with God.” and “Nothing is impossible when one walks with God.” I have been seeking him for a quarter of a fucking century and I can tell you that though he has never shown me his limits, the limits of what he will do are CRYSTAL CLEAR. He won’t provide shit before you need it, EVER. He won’t admit he was wrong, not ONCE. He seems incapable of providing a cogent intelligent man over the age of 40 who actively believes in him. Oh sure, plenty believe in the institution, and the general concept of God.

God is a fucking set dressing to their attempts to better themselves. It might as well be a gym for empathy. Further I have experienced enough Christians to say that many are there so they don’t have to have empathy. Like the weak man who has a gym membership, yet no muscle, no endurance.

I have never met someone older who can fucking explain anything past where I have pushed my faith. I wonder if there is nowhere left to take it. I’m not fucking allowed to die, so what the fuck am I supposed to do?