Almost 5 Months

I wish I had never been born, I shouldn’t have been born. My mother wasn’t even supposed to be able to have kids and almost died multiple times trying to have me. I almost died and wasn’t even supposed to make it past a few months of living when I was born. I’m currently laying on the bathroom floor in the robotics area of my school because I didn’t feel like going to class, again. I skip a lot more now and I’m still in so much fucking pain from when they left. I started smoking cigarettes, cutting, and burning myself since they left. October 14th will make it 5 months since they left. October 21st will be the length of how long we were together before they left. I was supposed to have an actually good summer and birthday this year, but no, I had to fuck it up and be too much of a monster for them to want to be with me anymore. It hurts even more because I can’t get the thought about the night they went to some pool party he lied to me about on May 6th, and that girl’s name, I can still fucking remember. Then May 9th when they lied and said we were going back to normal but left after only being with me for an hour like they couldn’t bare to spend anymore time with me. How conveniently they never had their phone on them or it was broken. On May 12th lied to me about who they were playing some game with. Fuck….as I was writing this the lights in this bathroom turned off and there was a red glowing light that filled the area outside the stall and a white flashing light over me, then the stall door started shaking. I’m still shaking I couldn’t move I had to call my friend Robin to come and turn the lights back on for me. I’m done I give up that was a sign I really should try to kill myself again. I’m now sitting outside my friends class, the choir room, waiting till lunch starts. Later I broke down so Robin and me went to the robotics bathroom again and we sat in a stall together and skipped the class we had then. Someone I guess felt the need to let the office know we were both in there in the same stall together so we were in the office and they searched my bag and found my cigarettes. I was put into ISS for the rest of the day and got a 3 day suspension. It’s my fault I should’ve just sucked it up and went to class instead of having some pathetic meltdown and I should’ve known to leave my cigarettes at home. My parents aren’t even mad, they really don’t give a fuck what I do anymore after all this shit. ISS was fun though. The teacher in there was really cool and talked to me and Robin about how to love ourselves and that we don’t need some dumb asshole boy to make us happy. Even my physics teacher (the class I was skipping when this whole thing happened) feels bad for me and thinks it’s dumb I got suspended, cause I’m 17, I’m about to be able to buy them on my own. The police officer I have lied to a couple of times even said I seemed like a nice kid just in a shitty place so he was nice. The only people who are actually mad about this are my uptight, emotionally manipulative, over dramatic, grandparents. Damn I sound so fucking stuck up but I really don’t give a fuck anymore, people are assholes and some of us don’t deserve to live. Fuck this. I just want to move on and be a normal person for once.