Feeling really down today. Wrote this to share with my therapist today if I don’t chicken out before I give it to him….
I’m tired. So very tired. It takes so much energy to keep up a false facade, a false beautiful smile, a cheery act when others are around me because I don’t want them to see the pain inside of me. I am afraid to tell those around me how much pain I am in because it would destroy them, so instead I bury it deep down inside, where it destroys me.
I wish people would stop asking if I’m okay, I’m tired of lying. I want to stop eating, I want to stop speaking, I want to stop smiling but I’m scared someone will notice and do something stupid, like save me. I’m really not worth the effort.
Sometimes when I say I’m fine I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say I know you’re not. I want them to see past my act but I’ve been acting for so very long I’ve gotten really good at it. There are even times I fool myself.
The depression and anxiety are so very strong right now I can barely function. I’m using all of my energy to keep up the act that I’m ok. I don’t know how much further I can go on.
I have had total strangers comment on my beautiful smile. If you were to pass me on the street you would think to yourself “wow that girl is really happy about something.” You would never know how very close I am to just stepping in front of that train. If I had the chance to kill my self without hurting those I love, I’d do it. Without thinking. In a heartbeat.
So if you stayed to this point, would you give this to the therapist or burn it like it was never written??
5 comments
Show it to the therapist. Gotta be honest about what’s going on inside if there’s going to be a chance they can help.
I agree with Once, but ask yourself two questions before you share it with him. 1: “Do I trust him?” If you can’t honestly answer yes, then I would not recommend sharing it, as that can come back to bite you in the ass big time. 2: “Will sharing this with him help me in the long run?” The answer to this second question will most likely be a yes, since you’re already considering the option, but is still worth taking into account.
Something to consider.. when I am not ok I’m asked over and over if I am. If you answered truthly I’m sure they’d ask less. Intuition can be strong with some people. Or perhaps your acting isn’t too great with some. Speak out, it shall set you free. Be who you feel to be. Be who you want to be. Listen to the opinions of others you care about, I like that you yourself say you have a beautiful smile, you must have had some influence to help you agree and accept the kind comments. Eventually people will help you to realise just how worthy you are, as they have told you how beautiful your smile is. Let those who care about you in, allow the option of them helping you to remember your worth
Without a doubt, my therapist has been the most helpful when I have been the most candid. Because of breach of confidentiality laws, I had to assure my therapist that I had real reasons to stay before I went into why I had real reasons to depart. Surely it is a rare therapist that would breach confidentiality, but just in case, this how I handled my situation and it was similar to yours. I remember one psychiatrist and one LCSW that were just so uncomfortable with suicide that I just backed out of the conversation and stopped seeing them shortly after.
Thank all of you for your support. I had my appointment today and gave him the letter I wrote before I chickened out. He read it to himself and asked questions for each part until the very last paragraph. I think I freaked him out. He got very quiet and read it more than once. I could see him thinking. So we then spent the rest of the session making sure I would be ok until next week. I promised to call the local crisis line if I get really bad before I go back next week, but I know I will never call. At least he is trying to get me in to see the doctor before December. I guess he doesn’t think I can make it that long either….keep your fingers crossed they have a cancellation soon….