Okay, so, a week ago, I made a post about my scrupulosity.
Well, as it turns out, I’m not scrupulous. I’m not a good person being tormented by a conscience that keeps falsely accusing me of being evil. I actually am just…evil. My conscience isn’t lying to me. It’s telling the truth.
And this isn’t even necessarily a religious thing. I’m evil by secular standards, too. To top it all off, I’m too much of a coward to do the responsible thing and remove myself from the world. The world would be better without me in it, but I’m too scared and selfish to actually kill myself.
I hate myself so fucking much.
11 comments
I joined SP in 2012 and I have read your posts. You are not evil. Evil is the guy who just gunned down 59 people in Las Vegas. I have seen you help people here at SP, that is not an evil person.
If nobody has said ” I love you” today, then I will say it —I love you!!!
My dog says this to me every day ( licks,pawing,head on lap,etc). I never judge anybody on SP but I think I am not alone is saying that you are definitely not evil.
Thank you, LoveDogs. I’m really thankful that you feel that way about me. However, I have to say one thing; You haven’t read all of my posts. There’s one post of mine that got deleted after only one night. It was a very terrible thing. If you had seen it, you’d be agreeing with me.
I’m glad it got deleted, because if it hadn’t, all of you would hate me. But I know that you *should* hate me. I’m a sick person.
I would say that the mere fact that you have a conscience counts for something. I feel the same way you do about myself, except i actually don’t have a conscience telling me I’m evil.
It’s just a logical thing that I’ve deduced about myself.
What changed between your previous post and this one, to make you feel so different about yourself?
Well, I had a very bad episode today that ended in me hurting someone. Now that I’m out of the episode, and my head is filled with all of these memories of all the other times I’ve done, said, and thought sick, evil things, I’m so disgusted with myself that I don’t know what to do. I really shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be alive.
What do you mean by episode, if you don’t mind me asking?
It’s always hard when we inadvertently end up hurting people. Did you apologize? That’s usually a good first step.
I don’t know what to tell you Kat. I’ve hurt a bunch of people too. It finally stuck to me that the only way i can survive without doing damage is to isolate myself from everyone else. It’s a lonely life, but it eases the pain of my guilt. So, clearly I haven’t found a good solution.
Well, by “episode”, I mean that virtually out of nowhere, I felt like a pacing, rabid animal. I was just brimming with this irrational, paranoid hatred towards everyone. I was seeing red. It was like I was possessed, only I wasn’t possessed. It was all me. All Kat. Just Kat being her evil self.
Me hurting that person wasn’t inadvertent at all. I fully intended to hurt them at the time. It was only later that I realized “wait, what the fuck am I doing? What’s wrong with me?”
I did apologize, but I don’t think they accepted my apology. It’s okay though. I really don’t blame them.
Don’t feel bad about not having any solutions for me. I’m used to having no solutions but the “permanent solution.”
I understand having those kinds of episodes, more then you can imagine. Irrational anger and pride have always been the two major forces driving my darkness, and have been the reason for most of the bad things that I’ve done in my life. And hate, of course hate. Just general hatred, not hatred for any particular person or thing. So, I understand. And, if yours is anything like mine, I understand how bad the aftereffects are. Post episode, for me at least, all i feel is this huge shame, and emptiness. I walk around for a couple days completely numb, except for a nagging guilt.
Did you really intend to hurt them? Or did you just intend to hurt…something or someone around you? Again just speaking from personal experience, it was probably just a desire to hurt, right?
Martial arts really helped me gain control of my…urges. Not that i have, entirely… but it’s better then it used to be in highschool and early uni. Have you considered some sort of physical outlet in which you can practice channeling that hate?
I believe that evil has its place, both in the world and in someone’s heart. It’s what we believe in that makes us one or the other. I try to look towards a greater ideal (“God”, if you’d like) in the hopes that little Evil Me can do some good in this world, and thats what keeps me going.
Sorry this reply was so long, just my 2 cents. This problem is my problem as well, so i rambled a bit.
I may have a conscience, but this time, it came too late.
I don’t think evil exists, so you’re cool in my book. Anyone can be forgiven for being human.
You don’t sound evil at all! You sound like someone who is hurting deeply. Please know that you are not evil. There are a lot of evil people in this world and they don’t give a damn if they do right or wrong.
Your brain can only handle so much.